Just last week, this blog passed 5000 views. Wowsers! I think that is mostly due to posting the link to FB since just 2 or 3 actual follow it. And many of those views are because we lost a baby. How many people friended me on FB just because I lost a baby? Quite a few. Like they want to keep tabs on me now that disaster has struck? Who knows but in my grumpier moments, those are things I think.
Purging is the name of the game right now. I am desperately trying to get rid of the baby stuff in this house. Its just a sad reminder now that I'll never have another baby to use those things with again. Better to sell it off or give it away to someone who will use it. We plan to use/save the money for Ellie for when we get into a house and we can get her a water/sand table and also put her in a park district class too.
We are also desperately trying to save money again. I've gotten back to tracking expenses and couponing (to a lesser degree) and making trips to Sams/Costco to buy some of our staple items in bulk to save money. But the bigger and harder thing to do is to cut our misc spending. And that is largely my doing. Running clothes/accessories are always a temptation, buying random things for Ellie that she might not really need, eating out, over spending on gifts... these things really take their toll. Reigning myself in and sticking to a shopping list is hard. Not going out somedays is hard (esp in the winter) but in just a few weeks I can already see that I am spending less money. We were able to move some money to savings this week but not as much as I would have like. A bonus check will pay Eric's last school bill and hopefully a little bit of the cost for the new tires for the car. Before the big move comes we really need to crack down on the budget. Its just so much harder to do now with a 2 year old and 1 income. But the medical bills should slow down to a trickle. I am expecting another bill or two from the infertility doctor and then it should be quiet for a while unless someone gets sick or hurt. Praying against that!
We know there is a church interested in hiring Eric but we have no idea where it is or when they might call. But it still gives us hope that his career change is still just around the corner and we just have to wait for God's timing. But the waiting is also the hardest part.
My next post will be for Ellie's 2nd birthday. My colicky little baby is going to be 2! Its so hard to believe just how big she really is. I love every moment with her, even when she woke me up at 5 this morning :)
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
crash and burn
My diet that is. After a failed transfer it always happens. While you are in a cycle, it is encouraged that you keep a "pregnancy diet" and consume no caffeine and no alcohol. I adhere to this diet religiously. Lots of spinach, fish, proteins, veggies and fruit. All good for your body (and potential baby) foods. I give up all caffeine and soda and wine (even communion wine) and eliminate most chips and other salty snacks. I never wanted to have to wonder if I had had a better diet, maybe I would have had a different result. There are lots of medications to take as well: pills, creams, shots, plus weekly blood draws. So when its all done and you didn't get what you want...well, I fall off the healthy eating wagon in a bad way. I love my morning coffee, I'll take caffeine any time I can get it. I get the munchies and just want chips and crap all the time. I still have carrots and yogurt but who wants those when I can eat crap instead? This in some way is my "reward" for being good for so long.
But it takes its toll. I don't feel as good. My breakfast and dinners are usually still good and healthy, I still get lots of fruit and veggies. Good proteins. The diet crash, winter depression, the current cold snap that keeps us indoors, it all combines to make me feel lethargic, out of shape, bored, and stuck. And I hate feeling that way!
So this week, regardless of cold, we are getting out. To the arboretum, to visit friends and purge some more baby stuff, and getting my butt on the treadmill in preparation for spring 5Ks. I'm getting rid of all the stuff Ellie has outgrown. Some of it, I'm giving away. Some of it I'm selling so we can save the money for post-move and I can get Ellie some outdoor things like water table or sandbox.
My diet will level out again and I will start feeling even better the closer we get to spring. I'm doing fairly well getting up before Ellie most days to have my devotional time. It has already become a vital part of my day where I can receive comfort and guidance from God through his Word and time to pray about the things that I find myself feeling anxious about and to be thankful for all the blessings in my life. To God be the glory, forever and ever, Amen
But it takes its toll. I don't feel as good. My breakfast and dinners are usually still good and healthy, I still get lots of fruit and veggies. Good proteins. The diet crash, winter depression, the current cold snap that keeps us indoors, it all combines to make me feel lethargic, out of shape, bored, and stuck. And I hate feeling that way!
So this week, regardless of cold, we are getting out. To the arboretum, to visit friends and purge some more baby stuff, and getting my butt on the treadmill in preparation for spring 5Ks. I'm getting rid of all the stuff Ellie has outgrown. Some of it, I'm giving away. Some of it I'm selling so we can save the money for post-move and I can get Ellie some outdoor things like water table or sandbox.
My diet will level out again and I will start feeling even better the closer we get to spring. I'm doing fairly well getting up before Ellie most days to have my devotional time. It has already become a vital part of my day where I can receive comfort and guidance from God through his Word and time to pray about the things that I find myself feeling anxious about and to be thankful for all the blessings in my life. To God be the glory, forever and ever, Amen
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
The end of Part 1
Four and a half years. All but 8 months of our marriage. That's how long we've been trying to have our family. And today, we have officially reached the end of part 1 of our story. Today we found out that our 7th embryo transfer failed. So since 2013 we have had 2 chemical pregnancies, 3 failed cycles, one term birth and one preterm birth and one natural pregnancy and miscarriage. I have officially been pregnant 5 times. I feel a lot of different things at different times, sometimes even at the same time. I've been angry, sad, jealous, envious, frustrated, overwhelmed, heart broken, crushed, and more.
I think I will always feel sad but I also feel relieved. I no longer have to wonder "if I get pregnant the next round" because there are no more rounds coming. No more blood draws, no more ultrasounds, no more pills, no more shots, no more transfers, no more pregnancy diets. No more putting my life on hold.
We did the best we could for as long as we could. We used every single embryo that was created for us. We lost many in thawing, we lost many in my womb. We lost our sweet Lexie. I will not look back on this time and wonder if we did everything we could. We really truly did. And now its over. We have our beautiful Ellie. And more than ever before, she is our walking talking daily reminder that miracles do happen!
And a HUGE shout out to my RE Dr Randy Morris. He and his staff are remarkable. From his bedside manner, to the nurses, ultrasound techs, the phlebotomists, receptionists, and surgical staff. Absolutely amazing from start to finish. They've put up with a lot of craziness from me over the last 4 years and they did it with grace. I'd recommend them to anyone unfortunate enough to need them!
I'm sure I've not taken my last pregnancy test. I wish. I will always have them in stock, probably until I hit menopause or have a hysterectomy, when all hope is truly gone. We have less than a 5% chance of getting pregnant and if we do (like we did) odd are we would miscarry. But the monthly anxiety that comes with waiting for the cycle to start can't be a part of my life anymore. It can't be my focus. If it does, I'm in serious trouble. I have a toddler to raise, a house to maintain, and many, many more races to run! That's enough for me!
So the task at hand now is to purge. I'm selling or giving away all my maternity wear and Ellie's infant equipment. We can't take steps towards foster-to-adopt until Eric takes his first call and we get settled into a house somewhere. But I am starting to dream along those lines. This step I feel has been a long time coming.
My devotion today really spoke to my heart. From "Jesus Lives"...This path is not of your choosing, but it is My way for you. I am doing things you can't understand. That is why I say "Trust Me!"... find hope in Me, beloved, for I am taking care of you... see Isaiah 50:10 and Psalms 42:5
I teared up several times writing this entry. This is my heart. This is my journey. Its ugly, its hard, but in the end, there is peace. We have been loved so much during this time of trial in our lives. So much love and support that I still can't fully believe it sometimes. I've met so many, many women who are on this wretched path with me who know my pain like others can't. But we get through it, together.
I think I will always feel sad but I also feel relieved. I no longer have to wonder "if I get pregnant the next round" because there are no more rounds coming. No more blood draws, no more ultrasounds, no more pills, no more shots, no more transfers, no more pregnancy diets. No more putting my life on hold.
We did the best we could for as long as we could. We used every single embryo that was created for us. We lost many in thawing, we lost many in my womb. We lost our sweet Lexie. I will not look back on this time and wonder if we did everything we could. We really truly did. And now its over. We have our beautiful Ellie. And more than ever before, she is our walking talking daily reminder that miracles do happen!
And a HUGE shout out to my RE Dr Randy Morris. He and his staff are remarkable. From his bedside manner, to the nurses, ultrasound techs, the phlebotomists, receptionists, and surgical staff. Absolutely amazing from start to finish. They've put up with a lot of craziness from me over the last 4 years and they did it with grace. I'd recommend them to anyone unfortunate enough to need them!
I'm sure I've not taken my last pregnancy test. I wish. I will always have them in stock, probably until I hit menopause or have a hysterectomy, when all hope is truly gone. We have less than a 5% chance of getting pregnant and if we do (like we did) odd are we would miscarry. But the monthly anxiety that comes with waiting for the cycle to start can't be a part of my life anymore. It can't be my focus. If it does, I'm in serious trouble. I have a toddler to raise, a house to maintain, and many, many more races to run! That's enough for me!
So the task at hand now is to purge. I'm selling or giving away all my maternity wear and Ellie's infant equipment. We can't take steps towards foster-to-adopt until Eric takes his first call and we get settled into a house somewhere. But I am starting to dream along those lines. This step I feel has been a long time coming.
My devotion today really spoke to my heart. From "Jesus Lives"...This path is not of your choosing, but it is My way for you. I am doing things you can't understand. That is why I say "Trust Me!"... find hope in Me, beloved, for I am taking care of you... see Isaiah 50:10 and Psalms 42:5
I teared up several times writing this entry. This is my heart. This is my journey. Its ugly, its hard, but in the end, there is peace. We have been loved so much during this time of trial in our lives. So much love and support that I still can't fully believe it sometimes. I've met so many, many women who are on this wretched path with me who know my pain like others can't. But we get through it, together.
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Couch time
Ellie really likes her routines. She doesn't realize it but I never get her out of bed before 7am even if she is awake. The exception is if she is sick or for some reason is screaming bloody murder. But normally she plays happily in the dark with her stuffed animals and musical puppy until I finish my devotional time and go and get her. We have our breakfast, varies from day to day but her mealtime vocabulary is very good. We've started sharing a peeled orange in the mornings sometimes too. Today before naptime she thanked God for fruit, oranges, and strawberries. And of course, her grandparents. They always come first in the list. :)
After breakfast has been cleaned up, I unknowingly created another routine. I've dubbed it "couch time". Its the 30-60 mins that she lays back on me on the couch, both of us covered in a blanket and watch curious george and/or cat in the hat. Depending on the plans for the morning, it may be longer or shorter. Anyway, it gives me some time to rest before the day really begins (since I can't have coffee) and as a bonus, my little girl is totally ok with cuddling with mommy. The other day, I tried to get her to try to use the potty before we sat down and she very adamantly insisted on "couch". Everyday I realize that someday, probably soon, she is going to grow out of that routine. And I will miss her warm little body just resting against mine. I won't be able to tighten my arms around her like I do 100 times during couch time, or kiss the top of her head just because I can. Because she will be up and running and learning and making a mess and all those things 2 year olds do. Same thing with our bedtime routine. She likes to be held while we sing and pray. This too she will grow out of.
So I will enjoy every moment of babiness that I have with her. She is growing and getting smarter every day. She frustrates me to no end some days and other days are more or less, good days. She will be 2 next month and I know we have a lot of trials ahead of us. She is still missing 3 teeth plus her two year molars. Not looking forward to that. The picky eating has been in full force for a couple of months now. Right now we are on an upswing and she will eat at least some dinner most nights. Anyway, I'll wait until she turns two and she's had her 2 year check up at the doctors to report on the rest of her development.
2016 should be an interesting year. Eric is officially in the second half of his internship which is the last leg of his coursework for his Lay Ministry certification. Its been quite a journey with him in school part time for the last 2 years. He could conceivably be called to work in an LCMS church pretty much anywhere. We are hoping it will be to a place that we can afford to buy a home. But also some place that we are still within decent driving distance to see our families. Basically a lay minister is the senior pastors right hand man. It is often described as a deacon position but its actually a different certification. He will not be ordained. He cannot be a lead pastor. But he will be qualified to fill a great many positions under the pastor that a church may need. He will always find opportunity to use his graphic design skills as well.
We are still hoping to have another healthy pregnancy. We feel very confident that we will! We are praying hard and expecting a miracle. And until we have answers on that, my running has been put on hold. I'm not a huge fan of treadmill running so I've tapered off a bit anyway, we shall see how the year pans out.
But for now I still need to pack up the Christmas tree while the wee one naps and enjoy the quiet while I have it :)
After breakfast has been cleaned up, I unknowingly created another routine. I've dubbed it "couch time". Its the 30-60 mins that she lays back on me on the couch, both of us covered in a blanket and watch curious george and/or cat in the hat. Depending on the plans for the morning, it may be longer or shorter. Anyway, it gives me some time to rest before the day really begins (since I can't have coffee) and as a bonus, my little girl is totally ok with cuddling with mommy. The other day, I tried to get her to try to use the potty before we sat down and she very adamantly insisted on "couch". Everyday I realize that someday, probably soon, she is going to grow out of that routine. And I will miss her warm little body just resting against mine. I won't be able to tighten my arms around her like I do 100 times during couch time, or kiss the top of her head just because I can. Because she will be up and running and learning and making a mess and all those things 2 year olds do. Same thing with our bedtime routine. She likes to be held while we sing and pray. This too she will grow out of.
So I will enjoy every moment of babiness that I have with her. She is growing and getting smarter every day. She frustrates me to no end some days and other days are more or less, good days. She will be 2 next month and I know we have a lot of trials ahead of us. She is still missing 3 teeth plus her two year molars. Not looking forward to that. The picky eating has been in full force for a couple of months now. Right now we are on an upswing and she will eat at least some dinner most nights. Anyway, I'll wait until she turns two and she's had her 2 year check up at the doctors to report on the rest of her development.
2016 should be an interesting year. Eric is officially in the second half of his internship which is the last leg of his coursework for his Lay Ministry certification. Its been quite a journey with him in school part time for the last 2 years. He could conceivably be called to work in an LCMS church pretty much anywhere. We are hoping it will be to a place that we can afford to buy a home. But also some place that we are still within decent driving distance to see our families. Basically a lay minister is the senior pastors right hand man. It is often described as a deacon position but its actually a different certification. He will not be ordained. He cannot be a lead pastor. But he will be qualified to fill a great many positions under the pastor that a church may need. He will always find opportunity to use his graphic design skills as well.
We are still hoping to have another healthy pregnancy. We feel very confident that we will! We are praying hard and expecting a miracle. And until we have answers on that, my running has been put on hold. I'm not a huge fan of treadmill running so I've tapered off a bit anyway, we shall see how the year pans out.
But for now I still need to pack up the Christmas tree while the wee one naps and enjoy the quiet while I have it :)
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Joy and Peace
The bible talks a lot about joy and peace. I think sometimes, we mistake those things for happiness. The bible makes a lot of promises. But it never promises us that we will be happy. I think happy is a bi-product of those things and a great many people are genuinely happy. But a lot of people are also genuinely depressed. Even if they do all the things that they are suppose to do, sadness remains. Peace and Joy are sensations/feelings that I believe can only come from God. I, like many others, have a lot of turmoil in my heart. Infertility, the loss of my daughter, family conflicts, anxiety about the future, just to name a few. Only Jesus can bring peace to that. He is the only one big enough to handle me. Me in all my beautiful dysfunction. While I am praying lately, one concept keeps coming to mind. Because Jesus died for me, paying the penalty for my sins, God sees me as perfect. All he sees is his beautiful creation. Jesus did that for me. And God looks at me through the lens of Jesus. And I am perfect. There is peace in that. I've got a lot of work to do in my mind and heart. But knowing that I am a forgiven child of God is a good place to start.
In other news, as of Dec 26th I was still running outside! 40 degrees is about my limit though so I'm usually on the treadmill 2-3 days a week. I prefer outdoors tho. I'm signed up for a 3 mile fun run on Saturday but it will be below freezing so I doubt I'm going to go to it. Plus, I'm having a hard time actually running 3 miles. I know I can since I did it on Thanksgiving but my per mile average is getting better (I'm faster) but now I'm struggling to get past 2.3 miles on any given day. With our next transfer in sight now I'm not forcing my body to much. If the transfer fails, it will be a different story and I'll be back to training for a spring 5K to better my time.
Christmas this year was good. Lot of family, lots of good food, lots of gifts. I wanted to start doing some traditions this year since Ellie is old enough to participate. Here are the highlights:
So there is a snapshot of our Christmas. We look to 2016 with a lot of questions on our plate. Will we have another child? Will Eric receive his call? Where will it take us? Will we finally be able to buy a house? Will I need to start working again? So many questions, so few answers. Time will tell. Praying for peace and joy for 2016!
In other news, as of Dec 26th I was still running outside! 40 degrees is about my limit though so I'm usually on the treadmill 2-3 days a week. I prefer outdoors tho. I'm signed up for a 3 mile fun run on Saturday but it will be below freezing so I doubt I'm going to go to it. Plus, I'm having a hard time actually running 3 miles. I know I can since I did it on Thanksgiving but my per mile average is getting better (I'm faster) but now I'm struggling to get past 2.3 miles on any given day. With our next transfer in sight now I'm not forcing my body to much. If the transfer fails, it will be a different story and I'll be back to training for a spring 5K to better my time.
Christmas this year was good. Lot of family, lots of good food, lots of gifts. I wanted to start doing some traditions this year since Ellie is old enough to participate. Here are the highlights:
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| Our annual family picture in front of the christmas tree at church |
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| A living room full of balloons at grandma's house, been doing this since I was a little kid |
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| Christmas eve homemade pizza, another family tradition |
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| My mother had an ornament made for Lexie, it is perfect |
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| Christmas Day blueberry pancakes (that were suppose to be star wars shaped, oops, didn't work out very well!) |
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| Christmas morning was so beautiful we went for a family walk to the park |
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| Ellie was a great helper in passing out gifts this year |
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| She helped her grandpa build the fire this year, dutifully handing him all the smaller sticks and listened to him talk |
So there is a snapshot of our Christmas. We look to 2016 with a lot of questions on our plate. Will we have another child? Will Eric receive his call? Where will it take us? Will we finally be able to buy a house? Will I need to start working again? So many questions, so few answers. Time will tell. Praying for peace and joy for 2016!
Monday, December 28, 2015
FB break
I'm always on the verge of getting rid of my Facebook. So many of its features just annoy me. And studies have now shown that FB can actually make you depressed. I do find that I am constantly feeling jealous/envious of my friends because they have cute baby announcements (jealous of the baby and the creativity) or because they are ridiculously good at photography or they are pintrest craft stars and I suck at crafting or any number of things. But FB is a lifeline for me. It keeps me in the loop of friends far away, I have two great infertility support groups that are FB based and they help keep me sane. I genuinely care for those ladies even though I've not met 99.9% of them.
However, with the new year approaching... I've felt this gnawing feeling inside me that something needs to change. I am a struggling mother of an almost 2 year old. I spend way to much time on FB, its an addiction for me and its not healthy. I spend more time on FB than I do trying to keep my home looking presentable. And clutter/mess is a stressor for me, esp my tiny kitchen. I hate doing dishes (and not everything gets appropriately cleaned in the dishwasher) and so pots and pans get piled up to the point where I cannot makes the next meal because a) there is no room and b) I have to wash half the dishes just to dirty them again to prep the meal.
So my theme for this year is "re", not 'regarding' be 're' as in re-focus, re-prioritize, re-energize. This year has been god-awful. I think everyone would pretty much agree with that. 2016 is a re-do. We are planning out 7th and final embryo transfer. I will prioritize my daughter which means turning off facebook, shutting down the computer, focusing on her development, making sure she knows she is the most important thing in the world to me. To be fully present in the everyday.
I also need to re-focus on my relationship with Christ. We have many changes coming to us in 2016. The career change is going to change almost every aspect of our lives. My devotional time has pretty much been non-existent for years. That needs to change. Life is too hard to try to go through it on my own strength. I need Jesus more than ever before. My friends and family desperately need my prayers.I am ashamed at how many times I've told people I would pray for them and I never did. My mind is just so busy with stuff. Stupid stuff, worries, plans, etc. At the end of the day I am so mentally exhausted that all I want to do is go to sleep, so I do. So prayer and quiet time need to happen at the beginning of the day, not the middle (too busy) or the end. Today was day 1. They say it takes 30 days to make a habit. 30 days of getting up before the sun and before my daughter wakes up just seems cruel. Esp because I can't drink coffee (yet)! But Jesus gave up so much more for me, I can give up a little sleep for him.
However, with the new year approaching... I've felt this gnawing feeling inside me that something needs to change. I am a struggling mother of an almost 2 year old. I spend way to much time on FB, its an addiction for me and its not healthy. I spend more time on FB than I do trying to keep my home looking presentable. And clutter/mess is a stressor for me, esp my tiny kitchen. I hate doing dishes (and not everything gets appropriately cleaned in the dishwasher) and so pots and pans get piled up to the point where I cannot makes the next meal because a) there is no room and b) I have to wash half the dishes just to dirty them again to prep the meal.
So my theme for this year is "re", not 'regarding' be 're' as in re-focus, re-prioritize, re-energize. This year has been god-awful. I think everyone would pretty much agree with that. 2016 is a re-do. We are planning out 7th and final embryo transfer. I will prioritize my daughter which means turning off facebook, shutting down the computer, focusing on her development, making sure she knows she is the most important thing in the world to me. To be fully present in the everyday.
I also need to re-focus on my relationship with Christ. We have many changes coming to us in 2016. The career change is going to change almost every aspect of our lives. My devotional time has pretty much been non-existent for years. That needs to change. Life is too hard to try to go through it on my own strength. I need Jesus more than ever before. My friends and family desperately need my prayers.I am ashamed at how many times I've told people I would pray for them and I never did. My mind is just so busy with stuff. Stupid stuff, worries, plans, etc. At the end of the day I am so mentally exhausted that all I want to do is go to sleep, so I do. So prayer and quiet time need to happen at the beginning of the day, not the middle (too busy) or the end. Today was day 1. They say it takes 30 days to make a habit. 30 days of getting up before the sun and before my daughter wakes up just seems cruel. Esp because I can't drink coffee (yet)! But Jesus gave up so much more for me, I can give up a little sleep for him.
Monday, December 14, 2015
Anything but normal
Our struggle with infertility has become normal. I wouldn't say that it defines me. But it is a part of me. It always will be. Alexandra will always be a part of our family. Even though Ellie proudly says "Daddy, mommy, Ellie" a hundred times a day. That is her family as she knows it. As she gets older, we will tell her about her little sister, but telling her now about her little sister who died isn't going to accomplish anything but confusion. Ellie LOVES kids. Older kids, kids her size and age, and even little babies. She hears a baby crying in the store and automatically says "baby cry" and I tell her the baby is sad so sometimes she'll say "baby sad". Ellie would have been a phenomenal big sister, and someday she may still be.
In a few short weeks, we will be staring down our very last embryo transfer. I never believed, when we started out on this journey in 2012, that we would be down to our last two embryos. We had so many! Even with the very best reproductive science on our side, it is still a 50/50 chance that any of those little embryos, invisible to the naked eye, will become a baby with a beating heart. We did not choose to have any genetic testing done on the embryos. We would never willingly choose to throw life away if the results didn't come back as "perfect". That may be why so many didn't implant or survive the thaw from frozen. But in the end, God is the author and sustainer of life and he controls life and death, not science, not doctors.
So I find myself stuck on a decision. Do we let all the family and friends know the date of the transfer? The date of the blood test to see if it took? Do we let everyone know as soon as we have a positive? Or after we see a heart beat? At week 12 (normal announcement time)? At week 24 (viability)? Do we keep names a secret still? Nothing about a pregnancy with me is ever going to be normal again. If we do achieve pregnancy again, from the very start I will be monitored by OB or MFM every two weeks for the first 12 weeks and then weekly after that. MFM did give permission for the last two embryos to be transferred. He reviewed our history with transfers of 2 and not a single one of them every resulted in viable twins. He also re-confirmed that there was no obvious medical reason for our pre-term labor. There is no reason to believe, if I become pregnant again, that we would have a miscarriage or another pre-term labor. Obviously, I would still be closely monitored anyway.
I want to believe that I will become pregnant again. To believe that Ellie will have a biological sibling. To have another chance at a full term pregnancy and be able to bring home another little baby to share our lives with. But I know the odds. I know our history. And that makes it so very, very hard to believe its still possible. I want to move on from this chapter in our lives but I cannot abandon our last two babies. I have to give them a chance. Odds my ass, if these last two are part of God's plan for our family then He will make it happen. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is "... I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:24. God help me...
In a few short weeks, we will be staring down our very last embryo transfer. I never believed, when we started out on this journey in 2012, that we would be down to our last two embryos. We had so many! Even with the very best reproductive science on our side, it is still a 50/50 chance that any of those little embryos, invisible to the naked eye, will become a baby with a beating heart. We did not choose to have any genetic testing done on the embryos. We would never willingly choose to throw life away if the results didn't come back as "perfect". That may be why so many didn't implant or survive the thaw from frozen. But in the end, God is the author and sustainer of life and he controls life and death, not science, not doctors.
So I find myself stuck on a decision. Do we let all the family and friends know the date of the transfer? The date of the blood test to see if it took? Do we let everyone know as soon as we have a positive? Or after we see a heart beat? At week 12 (normal announcement time)? At week 24 (viability)? Do we keep names a secret still? Nothing about a pregnancy with me is ever going to be normal again. If we do achieve pregnancy again, from the very start I will be monitored by OB or MFM every two weeks for the first 12 weeks and then weekly after that. MFM did give permission for the last two embryos to be transferred. He reviewed our history with transfers of 2 and not a single one of them every resulted in viable twins. He also re-confirmed that there was no obvious medical reason for our pre-term labor. There is no reason to believe, if I become pregnant again, that we would have a miscarriage or another pre-term labor. Obviously, I would still be closely monitored anyway.
I want to believe that I will become pregnant again. To believe that Ellie will have a biological sibling. To have another chance at a full term pregnancy and be able to bring home another little baby to share our lives with. But I know the odds. I know our history. And that makes it so very, very hard to believe its still possible. I want to move on from this chapter in our lives but I cannot abandon our last two babies. I have to give them a chance. Odds my ass, if these last two are part of God's plan for our family then He will make it happen. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is "... I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:24. God help me...
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