Are we there yet? I know I must have asked my parents that question a million times on road trips when I was a youngin'. I remember thinking it just took forever to get to the beach and all of 5 mins to drive back home.
I was hoping the holidays would speed time up a little for us. And in a way it has, we are already at the end of November with a packed schedule to look forward to for December. Yet, I find myself bothered by a pretty significant thought. And that's the money. Money, money, money. Eric and I are the best savers and budget crunchers you'll probably ever meet. And God has blessed us both with work and so between the two paychecks and our "voluntary poverty" gifts (yes, we actually ranked pretty high in that in a spiritual gifts test) we have been able to save quite a bit of money away. At the time, we thought it was savings for a house (probably a fixer upper) and then infertility came along. And with it a pretty significant price tag. Yes, we have insurance and yes it does cover a lot. But it doesn't cover everything and we have a high deductible plan besides. So come January, zap, goes our savings.
And yet... this is the season of giving, of being selfless, of being generous financially. And all I can think of is "we need our money, now more than ever." That's not to say that we aren't giving gifts this year (in fact I'm already done with my side :)) but we have scaled back significantly and donations to non-profits will be taking a hit this year too. We are saving up for the best gift anyone can ask for... a family. And more than one friend has reminded us, that once you hold your baby in your arms for the first time, you'll know that it was all worth it.
And then there is the other thought..."what happens if we invest all this money and it still doesn't work"? We are hoping and praying with all our hearts that this will not be the outcome.
I took a count of how many women I know that are pregnant right now. Five. At least 5 that have announced their pregnancies. And for some reason, last night that just made me feel a little sad. But life is what it is. Families work out differently for different people. I have friends that are at the end of their adoption process and are just waiting. I have friends that are just at the beginning of their process. I have friends that are pregnant, friends with kids, friends that are still trying to find "the one." And I appreciate how all of you have reached out to me in the ways that you have. I may not be very good at showing it but you have all touch my heart and I will always remember that and be thankful.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Coping
So its been a little while since I had something I needed to share. Seems like the initial shock of the diagnosis has worn off, a lot of questions have been answered, and a rough plan A and B have been formed. Most days I'm doing pretty well. I am trying to remember to just enjoy today and enjoy the life I have with my husband. Since there is little hope of every conceiving naturally I find myself giving in a little bit more to enjoying a cup of coffee, or a glass of wine, or realizing its not the end of the world if I don't take my vitamins. I do still try to maintain a healthy diet and am actually trying to gain weight. But as hard as it is for most folks to lose weight it is just as hard, if not harder for me to gain weight. But anyway, not really the point. The point is to be healthy and happy and not stressed out and sick.
The holidays are upon us and that is an excellent distraction. I love early Christmas shopping, baking, and decorating. I do not love Christmas music (unless its instrumental)! I am looking forward this year to trying to make a gluten free apple pie as it is my favorite holiday desert. I'd also like to try making cookie cutter cookies and maybe a few new baked goodies too.
The downside to the holidays is the simple fact that I thought I would have a baby by now or at the very least be pregnant with one. When we gather with our families and we see our young nieces and nephew (ok, maybe he's not so little anymore, he is taller then me!) it can be a little sad for me. And it can be awkward too as the family asks to know more about our infertility and plans. And quite frankly, not a whole lot of people need to know the details, even family.
We are also coming up on a season of our friends babies turning 1. Over the next 3 months or so there are at least 4 or 5 birthdays. This is the time I find myself struggling with our circumstances the most. When we are in a group of young families and all of the attention is focused on the little ones. It is just a blaring reminder of what we do not yet have and its hard.
We do have a plan in place that will begin shortly after the new year. And almost simultaneously, begin looking again at buying a house. Despite the season of spending, we are trying like mad to save money away. None of the options presented to us are necessarily affordable and wanting to get a house doesn't help that either. Yes, the house can wait. But we are more than ready for a house! And we are currently renting for the same amount, if not more than, what we would hope our mortgage would be. Long term renting is no longer an option. On the upside (see, I'm trying to be positive), at least we don't need quite as big of a house as we originally thought. Its gonna cost us so much money to have our family, we will probably only have 1 or 2 (Lord willing)!
The holidays are upon us and that is an excellent distraction. I love early Christmas shopping, baking, and decorating. I do not love Christmas music (unless its instrumental)! I am looking forward this year to trying to make a gluten free apple pie as it is my favorite holiday desert. I'd also like to try making cookie cutter cookies and maybe a few new baked goodies too.
The downside to the holidays is the simple fact that I thought I would have a baby by now or at the very least be pregnant with one. When we gather with our families and we see our young nieces and nephew (ok, maybe he's not so little anymore, he is taller then me!) it can be a little sad for me. And it can be awkward too as the family asks to know more about our infertility and plans. And quite frankly, not a whole lot of people need to know the details, even family.
We are also coming up on a season of our friends babies turning 1. Over the next 3 months or so there are at least 4 or 5 birthdays. This is the time I find myself struggling with our circumstances the most. When we are in a group of young families and all of the attention is focused on the little ones. It is just a blaring reminder of what we do not yet have and its hard.
We do have a plan in place that will begin shortly after the new year. And almost simultaneously, begin looking again at buying a house. Despite the season of spending, we are trying like mad to save money away. None of the options presented to us are necessarily affordable and wanting to get a house doesn't help that either. Yes, the house can wait. But we are more than ready for a house! And we are currently renting for the same amount, if not more than, what we would hope our mortgage would be. Long term renting is no longer an option. On the upside (see, I'm trying to be positive), at least we don't need quite as big of a house as we originally thought. Its gonna cost us so much money to have our family, we will probably only have 1 or 2 (Lord willing)!
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