Just last week, this blog passed 5000 views. Wowsers! I think that is mostly due to posting the link to FB since just 2 or 3 actual follow it. And many of those views are because we lost a baby. How many people friended me on FB just because I lost a baby? Quite a few. Like they want to keep tabs on me now that disaster has struck? Who knows but in my grumpier moments, those are things I think.
Purging is the name of the game right now. I am desperately trying to get rid of the baby stuff in this house. Its just a sad reminder now that I'll never have another baby to use those things with again. Better to sell it off or give it away to someone who will use it. We plan to use/save the money for Ellie for when we get into a house and we can get her a water/sand table and also put her in a park district class too.
We are also desperately trying to save money again. I've gotten back to tracking expenses and couponing (to a lesser degree) and making trips to Sams/Costco to buy some of our staple items in bulk to save money. But the bigger and harder thing to do is to cut our misc spending. And that is largely my doing. Running clothes/accessories are always a temptation, buying random things for Ellie that she might not really need, eating out, over spending on gifts... these things really take their toll. Reigning myself in and sticking to a shopping list is hard. Not going out somedays is hard (esp in the winter) but in just a few weeks I can already see that I am spending less money. We were able to move some money to savings this week but not as much as I would have like. A bonus check will pay Eric's last school bill and hopefully a little bit of the cost for the new tires for the car. Before the big move comes we really need to crack down on the budget. Its just so much harder to do now with a 2 year old and 1 income. But the medical bills should slow down to a trickle. I am expecting another bill or two from the infertility doctor and then it should be quiet for a while unless someone gets sick or hurt. Praying against that!
We know there is a church interested in hiring Eric but we have no idea where it is or when they might call. But it still gives us hope that his career change is still just around the corner and we just have to wait for God's timing. But the waiting is also the hardest part.
My next post will be for Ellie's 2nd birthday. My colicky little baby is going to be 2! Its so hard to believe just how big she really is. I love every moment with her, even when she woke me up at 5 this morning :)
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
crash and burn
My diet that is. After a failed transfer it always happens. While you are in a cycle, it is encouraged that you keep a "pregnancy diet" and consume no caffeine and no alcohol. I adhere to this diet religiously. Lots of spinach, fish, proteins, veggies and fruit. All good for your body (and potential baby) foods. I give up all caffeine and soda and wine (even communion wine) and eliminate most chips and other salty snacks. I never wanted to have to wonder if I had had a better diet, maybe I would have had a different result. There are lots of medications to take as well: pills, creams, shots, plus weekly blood draws. So when its all done and you didn't get what you want...well, I fall off the healthy eating wagon in a bad way. I love my morning coffee, I'll take caffeine any time I can get it. I get the munchies and just want chips and crap all the time. I still have carrots and yogurt but who wants those when I can eat crap instead? This in some way is my "reward" for being good for so long.
But it takes its toll. I don't feel as good. My breakfast and dinners are usually still good and healthy, I still get lots of fruit and veggies. Good proteins. The diet crash, winter depression, the current cold snap that keeps us indoors, it all combines to make me feel lethargic, out of shape, bored, and stuck. And I hate feeling that way!
So this week, regardless of cold, we are getting out. To the arboretum, to visit friends and purge some more baby stuff, and getting my butt on the treadmill in preparation for spring 5Ks. I'm getting rid of all the stuff Ellie has outgrown. Some of it, I'm giving away. Some of it I'm selling so we can save the money for post-move and I can get Ellie some outdoor things like water table or sandbox.
My diet will level out again and I will start feeling even better the closer we get to spring. I'm doing fairly well getting up before Ellie most days to have my devotional time. It has already become a vital part of my day where I can receive comfort and guidance from God through his Word and time to pray about the things that I find myself feeling anxious about and to be thankful for all the blessings in my life. To God be the glory, forever and ever, Amen
But it takes its toll. I don't feel as good. My breakfast and dinners are usually still good and healthy, I still get lots of fruit and veggies. Good proteins. The diet crash, winter depression, the current cold snap that keeps us indoors, it all combines to make me feel lethargic, out of shape, bored, and stuck. And I hate feeling that way!
So this week, regardless of cold, we are getting out. To the arboretum, to visit friends and purge some more baby stuff, and getting my butt on the treadmill in preparation for spring 5Ks. I'm getting rid of all the stuff Ellie has outgrown. Some of it, I'm giving away. Some of it I'm selling so we can save the money for post-move and I can get Ellie some outdoor things like water table or sandbox.
My diet will level out again and I will start feeling even better the closer we get to spring. I'm doing fairly well getting up before Ellie most days to have my devotional time. It has already become a vital part of my day where I can receive comfort and guidance from God through his Word and time to pray about the things that I find myself feeling anxious about and to be thankful for all the blessings in my life. To God be the glory, forever and ever, Amen
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
The end of Part 1
Four and a half years. All but 8 months of our marriage. That's how long we've been trying to have our family. And today, we have officially reached the end of part 1 of our story. Today we found out that our 7th embryo transfer failed. So since 2013 we have had 2 chemical pregnancies, 3 failed cycles, one term birth and one preterm birth and one natural pregnancy and miscarriage. I have officially been pregnant 5 times. I feel a lot of different things at different times, sometimes even at the same time. I've been angry, sad, jealous, envious, frustrated, overwhelmed, heart broken, crushed, and more.
I think I will always feel sad but I also feel relieved. I no longer have to wonder "if I get pregnant the next round" because there are no more rounds coming. No more blood draws, no more ultrasounds, no more pills, no more shots, no more transfers, no more pregnancy diets. No more putting my life on hold.
We did the best we could for as long as we could. We used every single embryo that was created for us. We lost many in thawing, we lost many in my womb. We lost our sweet Lexie. I will not look back on this time and wonder if we did everything we could. We really truly did. And now its over. We have our beautiful Ellie. And more than ever before, she is our walking talking daily reminder that miracles do happen!
And a HUGE shout out to my RE Dr Randy Morris. He and his staff are remarkable. From his bedside manner, to the nurses, ultrasound techs, the phlebotomists, receptionists, and surgical staff. Absolutely amazing from start to finish. They've put up with a lot of craziness from me over the last 4 years and they did it with grace. I'd recommend them to anyone unfortunate enough to need them!
I'm sure I've not taken my last pregnancy test. I wish. I will always have them in stock, probably until I hit menopause or have a hysterectomy, when all hope is truly gone. We have less than a 5% chance of getting pregnant and if we do (like we did) odd are we would miscarry. But the monthly anxiety that comes with waiting for the cycle to start can't be a part of my life anymore. It can't be my focus. If it does, I'm in serious trouble. I have a toddler to raise, a house to maintain, and many, many more races to run! That's enough for me!
So the task at hand now is to purge. I'm selling or giving away all my maternity wear and Ellie's infant equipment. We can't take steps towards foster-to-adopt until Eric takes his first call and we get settled into a house somewhere. But I am starting to dream along those lines. This step I feel has been a long time coming.
My devotion today really spoke to my heart. From "Jesus Lives"...This path is not of your choosing, but it is My way for you. I am doing things you can't understand. That is why I say "Trust Me!"... find hope in Me, beloved, for I am taking care of you... see Isaiah 50:10 and Psalms 42:5
I teared up several times writing this entry. This is my heart. This is my journey. Its ugly, its hard, but in the end, there is peace. We have been loved so much during this time of trial in our lives. So much love and support that I still can't fully believe it sometimes. I've met so many, many women who are on this wretched path with me who know my pain like others can't. But we get through it, together.
I think I will always feel sad but I also feel relieved. I no longer have to wonder "if I get pregnant the next round" because there are no more rounds coming. No more blood draws, no more ultrasounds, no more pills, no more shots, no more transfers, no more pregnancy diets. No more putting my life on hold.
We did the best we could for as long as we could. We used every single embryo that was created for us. We lost many in thawing, we lost many in my womb. We lost our sweet Lexie. I will not look back on this time and wonder if we did everything we could. We really truly did. And now its over. We have our beautiful Ellie. And more than ever before, she is our walking talking daily reminder that miracles do happen!
And a HUGE shout out to my RE Dr Randy Morris. He and his staff are remarkable. From his bedside manner, to the nurses, ultrasound techs, the phlebotomists, receptionists, and surgical staff. Absolutely amazing from start to finish. They've put up with a lot of craziness from me over the last 4 years and they did it with grace. I'd recommend them to anyone unfortunate enough to need them!
I'm sure I've not taken my last pregnancy test. I wish. I will always have them in stock, probably until I hit menopause or have a hysterectomy, when all hope is truly gone. We have less than a 5% chance of getting pregnant and if we do (like we did) odd are we would miscarry. But the monthly anxiety that comes with waiting for the cycle to start can't be a part of my life anymore. It can't be my focus. If it does, I'm in serious trouble. I have a toddler to raise, a house to maintain, and many, many more races to run! That's enough for me!
So the task at hand now is to purge. I'm selling or giving away all my maternity wear and Ellie's infant equipment. We can't take steps towards foster-to-adopt until Eric takes his first call and we get settled into a house somewhere. But I am starting to dream along those lines. This step I feel has been a long time coming.
My devotion today really spoke to my heart. From "Jesus Lives"...This path is not of your choosing, but it is My way for you. I am doing things you can't understand. That is why I say "Trust Me!"... find hope in Me, beloved, for I am taking care of you... see Isaiah 50:10 and Psalms 42:5
I teared up several times writing this entry. This is my heart. This is my journey. Its ugly, its hard, but in the end, there is peace. We have been loved so much during this time of trial in our lives. So much love and support that I still can't fully believe it sometimes. I've met so many, many women who are on this wretched path with me who know my pain like others can't. But we get through it, together.
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Couch time
Ellie really likes her routines. She doesn't realize it but I never get her out of bed before 7am even if she is awake. The exception is if she is sick or for some reason is screaming bloody murder. But normally she plays happily in the dark with her stuffed animals and musical puppy until I finish my devotional time and go and get her. We have our breakfast, varies from day to day but her mealtime vocabulary is very good. We've started sharing a peeled orange in the mornings sometimes too. Today before naptime she thanked God for fruit, oranges, and strawberries. And of course, her grandparents. They always come first in the list. :)
After breakfast has been cleaned up, I unknowingly created another routine. I've dubbed it "couch time". Its the 30-60 mins that she lays back on me on the couch, both of us covered in a blanket and watch curious george and/or cat in the hat. Depending on the plans for the morning, it may be longer or shorter. Anyway, it gives me some time to rest before the day really begins (since I can't have coffee) and as a bonus, my little girl is totally ok with cuddling with mommy. The other day, I tried to get her to try to use the potty before we sat down and she very adamantly insisted on "couch". Everyday I realize that someday, probably soon, she is going to grow out of that routine. And I will miss her warm little body just resting against mine. I won't be able to tighten my arms around her like I do 100 times during couch time, or kiss the top of her head just because I can. Because she will be up and running and learning and making a mess and all those things 2 year olds do. Same thing with our bedtime routine. She likes to be held while we sing and pray. This too she will grow out of.
So I will enjoy every moment of babiness that I have with her. She is growing and getting smarter every day. She frustrates me to no end some days and other days are more or less, good days. She will be 2 next month and I know we have a lot of trials ahead of us. She is still missing 3 teeth plus her two year molars. Not looking forward to that. The picky eating has been in full force for a couple of months now. Right now we are on an upswing and she will eat at least some dinner most nights. Anyway, I'll wait until she turns two and she's had her 2 year check up at the doctors to report on the rest of her development.
2016 should be an interesting year. Eric is officially in the second half of his internship which is the last leg of his coursework for his Lay Ministry certification. Its been quite a journey with him in school part time for the last 2 years. He could conceivably be called to work in an LCMS church pretty much anywhere. We are hoping it will be to a place that we can afford to buy a home. But also some place that we are still within decent driving distance to see our families. Basically a lay minister is the senior pastors right hand man. It is often described as a deacon position but its actually a different certification. He will not be ordained. He cannot be a lead pastor. But he will be qualified to fill a great many positions under the pastor that a church may need. He will always find opportunity to use his graphic design skills as well.
We are still hoping to have another healthy pregnancy. We feel very confident that we will! We are praying hard and expecting a miracle. And until we have answers on that, my running has been put on hold. I'm not a huge fan of treadmill running so I've tapered off a bit anyway, we shall see how the year pans out.
But for now I still need to pack up the Christmas tree while the wee one naps and enjoy the quiet while I have it :)
After breakfast has been cleaned up, I unknowingly created another routine. I've dubbed it "couch time". Its the 30-60 mins that she lays back on me on the couch, both of us covered in a blanket and watch curious george and/or cat in the hat. Depending on the plans for the morning, it may be longer or shorter. Anyway, it gives me some time to rest before the day really begins (since I can't have coffee) and as a bonus, my little girl is totally ok with cuddling with mommy. The other day, I tried to get her to try to use the potty before we sat down and she very adamantly insisted on "couch". Everyday I realize that someday, probably soon, she is going to grow out of that routine. And I will miss her warm little body just resting against mine. I won't be able to tighten my arms around her like I do 100 times during couch time, or kiss the top of her head just because I can. Because she will be up and running and learning and making a mess and all those things 2 year olds do. Same thing with our bedtime routine. She likes to be held while we sing and pray. This too she will grow out of.
So I will enjoy every moment of babiness that I have with her. She is growing and getting smarter every day. She frustrates me to no end some days and other days are more or less, good days. She will be 2 next month and I know we have a lot of trials ahead of us. She is still missing 3 teeth plus her two year molars. Not looking forward to that. The picky eating has been in full force for a couple of months now. Right now we are on an upswing and she will eat at least some dinner most nights. Anyway, I'll wait until she turns two and she's had her 2 year check up at the doctors to report on the rest of her development.
2016 should be an interesting year. Eric is officially in the second half of his internship which is the last leg of his coursework for his Lay Ministry certification. Its been quite a journey with him in school part time for the last 2 years. He could conceivably be called to work in an LCMS church pretty much anywhere. We are hoping it will be to a place that we can afford to buy a home. But also some place that we are still within decent driving distance to see our families. Basically a lay minister is the senior pastors right hand man. It is often described as a deacon position but its actually a different certification. He will not be ordained. He cannot be a lead pastor. But he will be qualified to fill a great many positions under the pastor that a church may need. He will always find opportunity to use his graphic design skills as well.
We are still hoping to have another healthy pregnancy. We feel very confident that we will! We are praying hard and expecting a miracle. And until we have answers on that, my running has been put on hold. I'm not a huge fan of treadmill running so I've tapered off a bit anyway, we shall see how the year pans out.
But for now I still need to pack up the Christmas tree while the wee one naps and enjoy the quiet while I have it :)
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