Joy and Peace

The bible talks a lot about joy and peace. I think sometimes, we mistake those things for happiness. The bible makes a lot of promises. But it never promises us that we will be happy. I think happy is a bi-product of those things and a great many people are genuinely happy. But a lot of people are also genuinely depressed. Even if they do all the things that they are suppose to do, sadness remains. Peace and Joy are sensations/feelings that I believe can only come from God. I, like many others, have a lot of turmoil in my heart. Infertility, the loss of my daughter, family conflicts, anxiety about the future, just to name a few. Only Jesus can bring peace to that. He is the only one big enough to handle me. Me in all my beautiful dysfunction. While I am praying lately, one concept keeps coming to mind. Because Jesus died for me, paying the penalty for my sins, God sees me as perfect. All he sees is his beautiful creation. Jesus did that for me. And God looks at me through the lens of Jesus. And I am perfect. There is peace in that. I've got a lot of work to do in my mind and heart. But knowing that I am a forgiven child of God is a good place to start.

In other news, as of Dec 26th I was still running outside! 40 degrees is about my limit though so I'm usually on the treadmill 2-3 days a week. I prefer outdoors tho. I'm signed up for a 3 mile fun run on Saturday but it will be below freezing so I doubt I'm going to go to it. Plus, I'm having a hard time actually running 3 miles. I know I can since I did it on Thanksgiving but my per mile average is getting better (I'm faster) but now I'm struggling to get past 2.3 miles on any given day. With our next transfer in sight now I'm not forcing my body to much. If the transfer fails, it will be a different story and I'll be back to training for a spring 5K to better my time.

Christmas this year was good. Lot of family, lots of good food, lots of gifts. I wanted to start doing some traditions this year since Ellie is old enough to participate. Here are the highlights:

Our annual family picture in front of the christmas tree at church

A living room full of balloons at grandma's house, been doing this since I was a little kid

Christmas eve homemade pizza, another family tradition

My mother had an ornament made for Lexie, it is perfect

Christmas Day blueberry pancakes (that were suppose to be star wars shaped, oops, didn't work out very well!)

Christmas morning was so beautiful we went for a family walk to the park

Ellie was a great helper in passing out gifts this year

She helped her grandpa build the fire this year, dutifully handing him all the smaller sticks and listened to him talk

So there is a snapshot of our Christmas. We look to 2016 with a lot of questions on our plate. Will we have another child? Will Eric receive his call? Where will it take us? Will we finally be able to buy a house? Will I need to start working again? So many questions, so few answers. Time will tell. Praying for peace and joy for 2016!

FB break

I'm always on the verge of getting rid of my Facebook. So many of its features just annoy me. And studies have now shown that FB can actually make you depressed. I do find that I am constantly feeling jealous/envious of my friends because they have cute baby announcements (jealous of the baby and the creativity) or because they are ridiculously good at photography or they are pintrest craft stars and I suck at crafting or any number of things. But FB is a lifeline for me. It keeps me in the loop of friends far away, I have two great infertility support groups that are FB based and they help keep me sane. I genuinely care for those ladies even though I've not met 99.9% of them.

However, with the new year approaching... I've felt this gnawing feeling inside me that something needs to change. I am a struggling mother of an almost 2 year old. I spend way to much time on FB, its an addiction for me and its not healthy. I spend more time on FB than I do trying to keep my home looking presentable. And clutter/mess is a stressor for me, esp my tiny kitchen. I hate doing dishes (and not everything gets appropriately cleaned in the dishwasher) and so pots and pans get piled up to the point where I cannot makes the next meal because a) there is no room  and b) I have to wash half the dishes just to dirty them again to prep the meal.

So my theme for this year is "re", not 'regarding' be 're' as in re-focus, re-prioritize, re-energize. This year has been god-awful. I think everyone would pretty much agree with that. 2016 is a re-do. We are planning out 7th and final embryo transfer. I will prioritize my daughter which  means turning off facebook, shutting down the computer, focusing on her development, making sure she knows she is the most important thing in the world to me. To be fully present in the everyday.

I also need to re-focus on my relationship with Christ. We have many changes coming to us in 2016. The career change is going to change almost every aspect of our lives. My devotional time has pretty much been non-existent for years. That needs to change. Life is too hard to try to go through it on my own strength. I need Jesus more than ever before. My friends and family desperately need my prayers.I am ashamed at how many times I've told people I would pray for them and I never did. My mind is just so busy with stuff. Stupid stuff, worries, plans, etc. At the end of the day I am so mentally exhausted that all I want to do is go to sleep, so I do. So prayer and quiet time need to happen at the beginning of the day, not the middle (too busy) or the end. Today was day 1. They say it takes 30 days to make a habit. 30 days of getting up before the sun and before my daughter wakes up just seems cruel. Esp because I can't drink coffee (yet)! But Jesus gave up so much more for me, I can give up a little sleep for him.

Anything but normal

Our struggle with infertility has become normal. I wouldn't say that it defines me. But it is a part of me. It always will be. Alexandra will always be a part of our family. Even though Ellie proudly says "Daddy, mommy, Ellie" a hundred times a day. That is her family as she knows it. As she gets older, we will tell her about her little sister, but telling her now about her little sister who died isn't going to accomplish anything but confusion. Ellie LOVES kids. Older kids, kids her size and age, and even little babies. She hears a baby crying in the store and automatically says "baby cry" and I tell her the baby is sad so sometimes she'll say "baby sad". Ellie would have been a phenomenal big sister, and someday she may still be.

In a few short weeks, we will be staring down our very last embryo transfer. I never believed, when we started out on this journey in 2012, that we would be down to our last two embryos. We had so many! Even with the very best reproductive science on our side, it is still a 50/50 chance that any of those little embryos, invisible to the naked eye, will become a baby with a beating heart. We did not choose to have any genetic testing done on the embryos. We would never willingly choose to throw life away if the results didn't come back as "perfect". That may be why so many didn't implant or survive the thaw from frozen. But in the end, God is the author and sustainer of life and he controls life and death, not science, not doctors.

So I find myself stuck on a decision. Do we let all the family and friends know the date of the transfer? The date of the blood test to see if it took? Do we let everyone know as soon as we have a positive? Or after we see a heart beat? At week 12 (normal announcement time)? At week 24 (viability)? Do we keep names a secret still? Nothing about a pregnancy with me is ever going to be normal again. If we do achieve pregnancy again, from the very start I will be monitored by OB or MFM every two weeks for the first 12 weeks and then weekly after that. MFM did give permission for the last two embryos to be transferred. He reviewed our history with transfers of 2 and not a single one of them every resulted in viable twins. He also re-confirmed that there was no obvious medical reason for our pre-term labor. There is no reason to believe, if I become pregnant again, that we would have a miscarriage or another pre-term labor. Obviously, I would still be closely monitored anyway.

I want to believe that I will become pregnant again. To believe that Ellie will have a biological sibling. To have another chance at a full term pregnancy and be able to bring home another little baby to share our lives with. But I know the odds. I know our history. And that makes it so very, very hard to believe its still possible. I want to move on from this chapter in our lives but I cannot abandon our last two babies. I have to give them a chance. Odds my ass, if these last two are part of God's plan for our family then He will make it happen. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is "...  I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:24. God help me...

Remembrance Service

Every year the hospital's grief share program holds a non-denominational church service at the church directly outside the hospital to remember the babies that were lost. Some lost their babies several years ago, some like us, still very much feel like it is an open wound on our hearts. Not that time makes the pain any less for those families, I didn't mean it to sound like that. They say it does get better but I suppose that time frame will be different for each individual.

I was going to be all prepared going to this thing, made sure Ellie had a late nap so she wouldn't be over tired, made sure we got there in plenty of time, had books and crackers to keep her occupied, etc. Well, that blew up in my face. I guess we were suppose to bring an ornament to hang on a tree after we lit her "candle" (not a real flame or candle). They had some extras so we didn't miss out on that part. We wrote her name on a card to be read out loud and took our seats with the borrowed ornament.

Ellie wanted no part of sitting still! All that nap did for her was give her 10x more energy than she normally would have at 7pm. There was a choir that did some nice songs before everything started, a poem to our lost ones was read, a prayer said. Then they started calling the names off the cards. Some just a name, others with a little message to their angel. Ours just said her full name as I wasn't aware I could have written anything else. Looking around that room and knowing every single family there had a baby die, was very overwhelming. The sweet names and the families that made their way to the front to the candles and the tree. Many with their lost babies older/younger siblings in tow. I started crying almost right away and by the time I was heading to the front for our turn it was pretty much a lost cause. Eric had been chasing Ellie around the foyer trying to keep her under control and was totally exhausted from the effort. He had to run with her to the front to get there in time to do the candle and the ornament. Ellie was beyond out of control so we gathered our things and left. We missed the "open mic" part where families could come up and say a few words. I would have liked to be there for that part. But Ellie was being very distracting for everyone. So we headed out.

Note to self: don't take Ellie out to anything at 7 o'clock at night! Geez, just can't win with that child! I love her dearly, more and more everyday, but the terrible two's have arrived early and she tries my patience something terrible.

Next up Christmas! And it promises to be a fun one with Ellie being 100% interactive. And a challenging one for the same reasons :) We will see Santa soon, we are reading Christmas books, and loving the Christmas trees and lights everywhere. We are loving the warm weather this December has brought us and I'm still able to run outside (without Ellie) some days. The warmth will not last but I am enjoying it while I can! I continue to run on the treadmills at my parents house (Ellie has quality time with Grandpa) and at the Y as I am trying to increase my running speed by the spring.

Finishing my first 5K

I was often asked before I ran this race what my goal was. My answer was always the same. My goal was to finish it! But to be fair, I also wanted to run the whole thing without walking breaks. Before race day, I had never run more than 34 mins. Before race day, I had never run better than a 12 min and whatever-second mile. I also didn't want to come in dead last, but considering there were people signed up to walk the whole thing, I figured that wouldn't be an issue!

As many of my friends know, I started running just a few weeks after we lost our daughter at 23 weeks. Just one week shy of viability. It was, and continues to be, the worst and hardest thing that has every happened to me. Running gave me an outlet for my anger, frustration, grief, and sadness. It helped me to fight depression and gave me a reason to get off the couch and get on with my life and take care of the daughter I do have. It helped some with my pregnancy weight that I wanted gone but the scale remains unchanged since I now have more muscle in my legs. There were many things that stood between me and my goal such as knee pain, physical therapy, a sinus infection, and another a failed transfer. But with God's help I was able to take the absolute worst thing that has every happened to me and turned it into one of my greatest accomplishments! I ran the race with Lexie's necklace charm laced into my shoes. I ran for her. I ran for Ellie. I ran for me! 

But I know I didn't do it alone. I had amazing support from my husband, great friends, and an incredible coach that led my class through a local running store. I'm pretty stubborn and when I say I'm going to do something, come hell or high water, I'm going to do it! I'll be honest, there were times I was ready to quit. The pain was too much, the weather to cold, the distance to long, never believing I would be able to make it. And then one day I had been struggling through the 8 min training intervals, still not running a mile. I took almost a week off because I had been sick. Then I set out to do that weeks run time. 28 mins flat. And I did it! No one was more surprised than me! It was only then that I started to believe I could really do it. My legs still hurt a lot of the time but its not my knees. Usually the flexer muscles at the top of my quads or the sides right above knee. But its getting better. 

My official race time was 38.25 minutes. My mile average 12.22. I crossed the finish line with my arms held up in victory. And it felt so good! We were incredibly fortunate to have 50 degree weather with clouds but no rain during the race, made the run easy and fun!

A dear friend and a great encourager on my running journey ran the race with me though she could have totally run ahead of me at a faster pace. She stayed with me, kept me talking, encouraging me, and kept me distracted to take my mind off the run. She was also taking pictures of me the whole time! So here are a few of my very first Turkey Trot 5K :)

For Lexie

At the beginning, waiting with almost 7 thousand other people to begin the race. What a madhouse it was!

Last leg!

Victory!

With so many people Eric was not able to see my cross the finish line but I knew they were there somewhere!

Dear thing one and thing two

Dear thing one and thing two,
Pretty soon you will be awakened from your frozen coma. You are the very last of your kind, so you have to be strong! Its up to you to keep this family growing and we are almost out of time. Your siblings before you tried so very hard, but they went to be with Jesus before we could meet them. Your big sister wants to meet you very badly! And your mommy and daddy love you so very much. We have tried so hard, for so long, and honestly little babies, we are tired. We are ready to give up just not.quite.yet. We believe in miracles and we pray for them every day. We believe that God is the author and sustainer of life and we leave you in his hands. "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven" is what we pray and let it be. Your mommy is very nervous and your daddy too, but if you both develop little beating hearts we will be so very glad. We hope to meet you when the right time comes little ones. Until then, be strong little ones and as your daddy would say "May the force be with you".

Love your mommy

Running the mile

I remember vividly being in 4th or 5th grade and being sent outside the run "The Mile" for gym class. I even remember it was suppose to be 4 laps around the perimeter of the schools property. I also remember not being able to breathe and a bad cramp in my side and walking a lot. I remember a boy named Joey who ran his laps like it was his second nature. It sounds silly but that memory has haunted me every since. "The Mile", how does anyone even do that? Even last week as I was running my 8 min intervals I didn't believe I was ever going to conquer "The Mile". Had I stayed in school and not been homeschooled, the mile would have probably become a regular part of my school year, and I wouldn't have had it looming over me my whole life.

Yesterday, after talking almost a week off from running due to some complications, I set my timer for this weeks running goal: 28 mins running. No breaks for walking. I set my mapmyrun app and off I went at a comfortable jog (solo, no Ellie). My app told me I had run a mile in 12 minutes! I acknowledged that and kept running. I'd figured I'd run until my legs gave out, I wasn't going to cave in to take a walk break. Before I knew it, I was nearing the two mile mark. So, 12 plus 12 is 24. I only had 4 mins left to run so I pressed on. When my timer went off, I checked my gps. I had run 2.35 miles without stopping! The walk home was agony. My word, my legs were so tired and sore!

So not only did I defeat "The Mile", as Eric says, I blew it out of the water! This is huge for me! Granted I still have to reach 3.1 miles to run on Thanksgiving but this was a huge step for me. Very excited!

The question I shouldn't ask

*Edited content due to some bad assumptions on my part and hurt feelings

I have a lot of friends that are expecting babies, most are on their second or thirds at this point. There is a lot of joy, excitement, gender predictions, and just overall happiness. As with any conversation with an expectant mama, the topic turns to the all important gender reveal and when/how it should be done. This is probably when I should leave the conversation. (And for now on, I will. Because my friends deserve nothing but happiness from me. They don't need my grief ruining their moment.) The gender reveal takes place before viability is reached. And it sucks! For most normal mamas, viability isn't a word they talk about a whole lot. I didn't even know anything about viability when I was pregnant with Ellie. The big milestones we tend to celebrate are at 12 weeks (maybe earlier when they first hear the heartbeat), 20 weeks, and then when we reach term (and we just want the baby out.) Who celebrates week 24? I sure as heck will if I'm ever given the chance again.  Lexi was born at 23.1 weeks, she never had a chance. 24 weeks is just a few days later but for some reason, that week of development in the baby is huge. The difference is viability. And it sucks that you hear the heartbeat, you feel movement, you know the gender, you pick out a name and then boom, the unimaginable happens.

This is my blog. This is my grief. I make generalizations about people that are not always correct. Just like every woman I pass on the street or in a store that has a baby in tow. I don't know her story or how easy or hard it was her to have her family. Or if someone she knows has infertility or has had a loss that impacted her view of life. But we all do it, we make assumptions. We make mistakes. And for any of those that this blog has offended, I apologize. 

So I try not to ask my friends what week they are at in their pregnancies. Because until 24 weeks has been reached, I have a hard time saying the right thing. I have a hard time being relaxed around them. Do I expect people not to talk about their pregnancies around me? Of course not! Do I want to know the gender of the baby? Yes! Do I want to know when you've reached 24 weeks? Yes!!! But it is hard. I put up a good front but sometimes it is just too hard. And when it gets hard, that's when I should leave. I don't want my tragedy to, in any way, interfere with my friendships. And yet it does anyway.

Btw, Lexie would have been 3 months old tomorrow. The month birthdays are the hardest. The day to day is getting easier, I don't often cry. I still think about her every single day. And probably always will.

2 months

It has been two months since Alexandra died. I don't cry everyday anymore. But I do cry sometimes. Grief is manifesting itself as fatigue that can only be described as half my brain not working. Or like I'm living half in a fog. It takes a crazy amount of effort to fight through it most of the time to remember even simple things. My body has recovered and I'm still in training for a 5K. I'm more emotional. I find I'm less patient with life in general but value every single day I have with my daughter and am just in awe of how prefect and beautiful and smart and growing she really is. I still replay those 9 days in the hospital in my head. I remember the kindness of the doctors and nurses and all the friends who came to visit and cared for us in the weeks afterwards. Its still hard. It always will be. We will always remember her, we will always love her.

Stupid doctor

OK, so I'm a little angry at one of my old doctors. He was my general practitioner from childhood until well into adulthood. A very kind, good doctor. If he's not retired yet, I'm sure he soon will be. I liked him. But he was also full of crap. This is a brief summary of what I had when I went to him with knee pain when I was 14:

"Osgood-Schlatter disease is a common cause of knee pain in growing adolescents. It is an inflammation of the area just below the knee where the tendon from the kneecap (patellar tendon) attaches to the shinbone (tibia).

Osgood-Schlatter disease most often occurs during growth spurts, when bones, muscles, tendons, and other structures are changing rapidly. Because physical activity puts additional stress on bones and muscles, children who participate in athletics — especially running and jumping sports - are at an increased risk for this condition. However, less active adolescents may also experience this problem.

In most cases of Osgood-Schlatter disease, simple measures like rest, over-the-counter medication, and stretching and strengthening exercises will relieve pain and allow a return to daily activities."

Except I can't recall him telling me to go to physical therapy or giving me any strengthening exercises to do to change the condition. I went the next 20 years believing I just had "bad knees" and there wasn't anything that could be done about it.

I went to see him, as he was the only reg doctor I ever had, when I was having concerns about my bone-tiredness, headaches, upset stomachs. I asked him to test me for Celiac Disease on a friends suggestion. He said he couldn't run the test there and he'd have to send me to a specialist (bunch of bull) and told me to just not eat wheat for 2 weeks and see how I felt, also bull, since that food test takes at least 6 weeks. So I did the food test before the blood test and now can't go back without making myself really sick for a long time, just to have a blood test done. That was only 4 years ago.

So here I am, with a wonderful new doctor, who tells me I shouldn't still be having the knee pains I experienced as a teenager and sent me to physical therapy (and x-rays). She also has a standing order in the system for my Celiac panel if I ever decide that I want it done. 

20 years of staying away from excessive running, biking, jumping, anything that caused my knees to ache. And it took the loss of Lexie to force me into exercising again, for my physical and mental health, to say "I'm not going to let this stop me anymore." I fought for Lexie, I'm fighting my body to achieve a goal, I'm fighting to have the rest of the family I dreamed of. I am tired of feeling wimpy. I am tired of infertility and doctors and tests and procedures. And it will be done, by the end of the year. I either will, or will not get pregnant. I will, in one way or another, run/walk a 5K. And then I'll start 2016 new. New plans, new goals. New Year.

*can't fix the the color issues on this post, sorry,

The hardest day of the week

Sunday is the hardest day of the week for me. Simply because it is the day that I go to church. I cried through the entire worship service today. I can't say it was any one thing that set me off. I want to sing about the glory of the Lord, his goodness, his faithfulness, his love. I really, really do. But I open my mouth to sing and my voice cracks and the tears flow. And I miss Lexie so much. And the grief is just still right there, beneath the surface and I just can't hide it. Not at church. Not in the community of the saints. None of them know me in this church we are going to for a while. They don't know why I'm crying. But God sees me, he knows, he understands, and he comforts me. We sang "it is well" today and I've had it in my head all day...

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

1. When sorrows like sea billows roll;
   Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
   It is well, it is well with my soul.
   • Refrain:
     It is well with my soul,
     It is well, it is well with my soul.
2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
   Let this blest assurance control,
   That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
   And hath shed His own blood for my soul."

I don't know when this part is going to pass. If it ever will. I don;'t know why my worship is so closely tied to my grief and to Lexie. But it sure is. Just thinking through this to write it my tears are flowing once again. Just the hardest day of the week. Tomorrow will be better. 

"Good for you"

"Good for you" is a phrase I am hearing a lot lately. From friends, from family, even from my doctors and nurses. Good for you, for starting to run. Good for you, for not giving up even when your body is in pain. Good for you, for seeking out medical help to get you through the pain. Good for you, for setting goals and doing something good for your body.

Good for you, for not giving up on having a family. Good for you, for wanting to use the rest of your embryos. Good for you, for wanting to give it your all (no regrets).

Indeed. I want to do what is "good". Good for my physical health. I am seeing my reg doctor and will start physical therapy today to see if we can fix the problem with my knees. My doctor is fairly certain it is not the bones that are the problem, the x-rays will likely confirm that (hopefully today). We will see what the physical therapist says.*EDIT* PT says she thinks we can strengthen the leg muscles so maybe the knees won't hurt as much. I have a lot of exercises to do and I will keep running for now, Yay!

I want to do what is the best for my family. After we lost Lexie I swore off any more embryo transfers. But within a week I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, I couldn't give up my last three babies without a fight first. All my doctors (infertility, general and OB) have all given the green light for another transfer this year. With the condition from my RE that he would only transfer 1 embryo, instead of the standard 2, to eliminate the chance of twins and all the complications that go with them.

When the transfer will take place is being kept from public knowledge for now. Heck, even we don't know the specific date right now. That way, no pressure, no one asking for updates, but... also no one praying. And that is very important to us. If your praying people, please just keep us and this process in your prayers through the end of the year. If and when we do get pregnant again, we will let our close circle of friends know at the end of the first trimester, but probably not facebook until we have at least reached viability. But... one step at a time. And there are a lot of steps.

And to all of my beautiful, wonderful, amazing friends who are pregnant or expecting to be pregnant soon, I love you and I pray for an easy, uncomplicated pregnancy and delivery for all of you. And to those still struggling... you are not alone. You are never alone.

The problem with running

I'm not athletic. I tried to be once. I was in junior high. I tried out for the basketball team. Didn't make the team. I think I was still half asleep when I tried out. I used to ride my bike around the neighborhood a lot. After a lot of uphill pedaling, I was noticing pain in my knees. I went to the doctor and from what I can remember, he said there was inflammation (I think) in my knee cap. He told me to stop doing whatever was making it hurt, to take ibuprofen and ice until the pain went away. And I took that to heart. And ever since, I have avoided excessive running, biking, jumping, and anything else that caused the pain to surface. The only thing that never bothered them was Tae Kwon Do. I had a lot of pain while I was in Bolivia because I walked all the time.  Oftentimes, uphill, on uneven roads, for long distances, carrying two loads of laundry or items from the store. No joke. I was a stickler with money down there and wouldn't spend the .25 cents on a taxi or trufi if I didn't need to. So I walked my butt off. So I had pain. Finally had a friend take me to a doctor she saw for her knees and nothing was found to be wrong with them, probably just the inflammation from over use again. Same treatment.

As I write this I am sitting on my couch with two ice packs on my knees. Its been bad day. I didn't even take Ellie for a walk. Yesterday I walked a coupe of miles with a friend. Then in the evening a ran/walked the 1.5 miles around my neighborhood again. I had pain every single step, but I ran anyway. I can hardly walk up and down the stairs in my house. I have excellent shoes and so far no back pain. The pain in my shins has gotten better, but the pain in my knees and now ankles too seem to be getting worse. I signed up for a beginners running class that starts tomorrow.

I want to believe that this pain is something that I can work through. That eventually my legs will get stronger and I won't be in this much pain all the time. I just don't know if that's true. I like the challenge of running, I'd like to say I ran a 5K. I like the overall benefits of running, I like that you can run anywhere, anytime, and it doesn't cost you anything. I like that I can run with or without my daughter, It is very much a part of my healing process from losing Lexie. A much needed distraction, a goal to focus on.

I don't like that the weather prevents me from going out sometimes, I don't like that it is killing my knees. I will likely make an appt to see my doctor next week and get her advice. I haven't discussed this condition with a doctor in 20 years (outside of Bolivia), No joke. It's seriously been that long. So I'm overdue. There are exercises I can do that are low impact. Elliptical, swimming, limited biking, TKD, yoga. But there are no races for ellipticals, never had an interest in swimming as a sport, or biking. TKD gets expensive and a lot of schools out there are just not very good (belt factories). Yoga I like. Its an entirely different animal as far as 'sport' goes. Incredibly difficult, challenging, but so so good for you in so many ways.

If I have to give up running to save my knees so be it. I can do fast walking with Ellie just the same and not feel I have wasted money getting the gear, Yoga classes would be my next step, maybe next year if it comes to that. We'll see how the next couple of weeks go.

The young couple in the store...

I was shopping (childless, woohoo!) today at Target when I happened upon a familiar scene. A young couple, probably early 20's were walking hand in hand past the infant clothing area. The young woman stops short, reaches out for some cute little outfit and starts saying what I can only assume was "oooo how cute, don't you think..." to her boyfriend/husband. And the young man just pulls on her arm to get her to go where ever they were originally headed. They were young and athletic, I remember looking at the girls "work out" outfit and wondered if she had actually worked out or if that was just the style she was wearing. Regardless, the outfit aside, the scene was familiar because 5 years ago, that was Eric and I. He knew right away that I was obsessed with everything baby. If there was a baby in a room with a social gathering it was about a minute before I was next to said infant and its mother or father seeing if I could hold the baby. Anyway, when I saw them I was thinking "do they have any idea what lays ahead of them?" and the answer of course is no. Eric and I couldn't have known we'd have infertility, that we'd lose a baby, that we would someday be considering adoption. Most couples meet, fall in love, get married, and go on to their careers or to have the families they dreamed of. Lucky couples get both. Others get the raw end of the deal. And its hard. Infertility and infant loss is hard. Some couples don't make it through the hard times likes this and divorce and try again with partner #2. And some couples, like us, grow closer to each other and to family and friends because of it. The young couple was just that. Young. Young in their ages, young in their relationship. Will they be together still in 10 years? Well, Eric and I are fast approaching 5 years of marriage and I'm certain that 5 years from now we still will be married. And we will have whatever family God intends for us to have. So to the young couple, my best advice is this: I don't have any. I'm not eloquent, I'm not strong, I'm not perfect, and I get things wrong sometimes. And sometimes, my husband isn't perfect either. And that's ok. We love each other and that's all we need :)

Photos

Activity seems to be good medicine for me. We get out as much as we can. Though sometimes I over do it and regret it the next day. Here are some recent pictures of our travels.

Downtown N, waiting for the stores to open

Settlement with friends

Riverwalk was on of our first trips out after being released from the hospital

Park Zoo

Another park with beautiful flowers

And tanks!

Olive Garden, yum!

This week

As was expected this week has been hard. But in a lot of ways, easier then I would have thought. My physical pain has been manageable and only sidelined me for the first couple of days. The sad days come and go, no one day of grief is the same as another. Eric has been home and we've done several stay-cation type activities like Philips Park Zoo, the Riverwalk, and today Cantigny. We've had several friends over for visits/play dates for Ellie. And these dear, dear friends are awesome enough to bring me desserts and Starbucks :) We've had dinner brought over every night with more then enough in leftovers to keep us well fed for weeks to come. Cards in the mail and messages on email and facebook and text also continue to come in. We are overwhelmed by the generosity of our friends and family as you all continue to show your love and support of our family. This week would have been a very dark and even more difficult time had it not been for all of you caring for us, praying for us, and being there for us.

By far the best medicine for us has been our beautiful Elliana. I miss Alexandra every minute of the day. Sometimes its more than I can bear and the tears flow. I have to make a conscious effort to redirect my thoughts and it gets better. And its usually Ellie that gets me past it. She is 18 months old and is so fun to play with. We translate her language as best we can and continually teach her new words and sounds. Her favorite lately has been "roar" for the sound a dinosaur makes. She had her 18 month check up on Wednesday and is doing great. Middle of the percentile on weight and about 11% on height. Still waiting on that growth spurt! But she is getting taller and braver. She climbs on any chair in sight and gets to things that were once out of her reach, like the salt shaker, candy and other things she shouldn't have. She like to climb on my computer chair which rolls and turns and try to play with my laptop and mouse. The computer now stays closed and the mouse up where she can't get it. Not a toy, we tell her but she is not convinced. I cannot even imagine what this week would have been like if we did not already have her. Too many friends have lost their first pregnancies/babies and I have no idea how they ever found the strength to try again, or get through their grief at all. People say I am so strong, I don't feel strong at all. I feel as though I am being carried through all of this because I am weak.

Eric goes back to work on Monday and Ellie and I will try to return to something of a normal routine. I'm sure we will take a lot of walks into downtown and have more play dates and run more errands. She still has not returned to a completely normal schedule yet after my 9 day absence but it is slowly getting there. The middle of the night wake-ups are the hardest to get past. But she is otherwise doing great. I suppose I will always feel sad at times. And that's ok. It will just take time. And for now, we will just take life one day at a time. Next Sunday we will have a receiving line following the late service at church where we will have a memorial table set up for a few things to honor our daughter. Friends and family are invited to come to services that day and give us the chance to give you a hug and thank you for all that you've done for us during this difficult time. We hope to see many of you then.

To the end...

As I sit here reading my last entry it feels so surreal. I'm glad I wrote that portion when I did, as nothing good happened after I published it. And a lot of details are already getting fuzzy in my brain. Grief does that. I will, however, never forget the kindness of the doctors and nurses at my bedside as they all fought like hell to keep both me and Alexandra alive. It is a very delicate balance and so, so much risk. Or the kindness of my friends and family that just kept coming to see me. Staying with me when things took a turn for the worse and Eric wasn't with me, just so I wasn't alone. Or giving me a break from the god-awful hospital food.

So I will pick up the story from last Wednesday. That would be day 7 of my hospital stay. Friends were visiting for lunch when the nurse came in to take my vitals. It happened to be at that moment that I noticed/felt a dramatic increase in bleeding. My OB was called as was MFM and they did their darndest to try to determine if my water had broken. The ultrasound showed adaquet water around the baby so they decided it wasn't the water, just more blood. But I was still averaging ok on my blood pressure so we didn't do anything. Well, thats not true. Contractions kicked up a lot at that point and they resorted to their "last stand" in the way of anti contraction medication. Its a horrid, horrid thing call Magnesium. Its an uber muscle relaxer that completely confines you to bed, competley fatigues you, and gives you double vision. I was on a liquid diet for 2 days while it was running. The initial dose is the equivilent of 3 hours of IV drip given in 20 mins and you feel like you are dying. Plenty of ice water and washclothes were on hand to help get through that. They know their stuff. Again, it worked for a time. The next day I was still showing contractions through it and continuing to bleed heavly. The ultrasound was done once again and showed additional decrease in fluid around the baby, thinning cervix and some dialation.

In other words the fight was over. 8 days after I was admited, the medication stopped as the risk of infection after the water broke was too great if I was given anti contraction meds. I was moved back to a labor and delivery room and we had an amazing period of peace as the medication wore off. The contractions all but disappered, we had hope that we would be able to eek out a couple of more days for her to reach viability. I was on antibiotics and steriod shots to help protect us from infection and help her lung development.

By Friday night, the contractions were back but not in the way one would expect to see exploding on the monitors as a full term labor would progress. But it was very painful for me and I found myself demanding an epidural because I couldn't take it anymore. After that everything happened very quickly. My OB arrived as did anesthsiology. There was however, no time. In a matter of minutes, I was pushing and delivering my very, very tiny daughter into the world. She was taken to the other side of the room and assesed. Her heart was beating but that was all. They finished with me and my aftter birth stuff and gave her to Eric and I. And we held her for an hour. Eric baptized her right there in the room. We talked to her and loved her until her heart stopped about an hour later. And then we held her some more. Someone came in and took some pictures of her and her with us with a good camera. But no amont of love was going to bring her back to us. So we said good bye to her and cried ourselves to sleep.

The next day, I was released in the morning and came home to a happy and huggy Ellie who was just overjoyed that both mommy and daddy were finally home. She cries now everytime I leave the room and often just wants to sit on my lap and hug me. And she can do that all she wants, she is, and always will be my miracle. And Alexandra will always be my angel. She joins approximately 12 of her brothers and sisters in heaven who died in embryo stages during our infertility journey. We will likley never know what caused my pre-term labor. There is more risk with IVF pregnancies but not all pre-term labor stories are associated with infertility at all. It just happens. Our bodies are weak, there are no answers. But there is God. And God is faithful, even when bad things happen. And it is that faith that will carry us through our grief.

I am very emotional as I write this but if I write it out, it's less times I have to repeat it. And that is better. We have a meal registry set up by a friend that is already filled up by our amazing support group of friends and family. We also have a gofundme page set up by another friend to help with the financial side of this process. This is the link to it if you are interested. http://www.gofundme.com/b4pfrhzs. I am sore and bleeding and will be for a little while. We hope to get back out into the world soon. Eric will be home with us this week and we will be working on details of a very short memorial time for those who would like to offer condolences in person. This will likely be in a few weeks. In the meantime, we would still like Ellie to have playdates and see friends in small amounts while we heal from this experience.

Looking to the future, Eric will compete his internship and his course work for his lay ministry certification and once the career change occures, we will likely look at buying a house and starting foster care-to-adoption to complete our family. This marks the end of our infertility journey. And the begining of our next journey.

We would like to thank you all who have already provided us with meals, visited with us, prayed for us, and sent us messages. From the bottoms of our hearts we thank you, God bless you.

From the beginning

So let me start by a TMI warning, esp for the men folk. I'll try to keep it to a minimum.

So, yay! I finally have my laptop at the hospital! Doing all my communicating on a smart phone is not really as easy as they want you to believe it is. So here is the story up till now.

Last Wednesday (22 weeks pregnant) I was doing some light walking around at the mall with a friend. Ellie was in the stroller, we went to some stores, we did lunch, we went home. Ellie went to sleep, I went to grab a shower. That's when I saw the blood. I called my OB immediately and was given an appointment later that afternoon. Packed up Ellie and we went to get checked out. They did a quick internal exam with ultrasound included and declared everything was "ok", cervix was closed, some polyps on the outside of the cervix that appeared to be breaking. Took a small sample to test for infection and we were on our way. That night Ellie was doing a fine job of entertaining us and we got some belly laughs out of it. Noticed a bit more blood, figured it was the polyps.

Sometime in the very early morning, I felt wetness. I finally got up around 5:30 (just before Eric) to use the bathroom. There was a lot of blood. Too much. I ran into the room, woke Eric, changed clothes and drove myself 5 mins to the hospital. Praying every second that I wasn't loosing my baby.

I was admitted after an hour or so in triage. They did an exam and no dialtion but there was blood and some light contractions I wasn't feeling. Eric arrived during this time and Ellie went to work (daycare) with my mom. I spent my first night in a Labor and Delivery room just waiting to see what was happening with me. No IV (though I had a plug in my arm for one), no meds, just the contraction belt.

On Friday they moved me to a Mother Baby room as L&D was filling up fast. Since I wasn't in labor, it made sense. Since thursday I've had regular visits from both my OBs and the MFM doctors (Maternal Fetal Medicine). Everyone was just waiting for the bleeding to stop so the mild contractions would go away. I've had 4 ulrasounds since I've been in here and they can't see where the blood is coming from. They think it could somehow still be the polyps (unlikely at this point) or possibly a tear in the placenta that they can't see.

The days get blurred together after that. They were always saying "tomorrow" for discharge. But nothing has stayed "good" for a while now. The bleeding continues with no sign of slowing down, but all the tests come back fine. The contractions kicked up a notch on Fri night/Sat and I was starting to feel them every few mins. We started a medication called Procarida which while it is an anti contraction medication it is also a blood pressure medication and a heart medication. So while by body was adjusting to it I had a racing heart beat (highest was 121), low blood pressure (I run low naturally so not good!), and a piercing headache. Fun stuff, let me tell you. But it made the contractions go away. For a while...

I've now had to have two 24 hour doses of another medication that is not good for the baby. Incendi-something. Anyway. Its a muscle relaxer. But its in the ibprofin line which your not to take while pregnany. Go figure right. This one will also lower my blood pressure but its the affect on baby that is worse. It decreases amniotic fluid around the baby and can open or close something in the heart that shouldn't be. Once you stop taking it, the heart recovers. Not sure about the fluid. Both times it has worked to stop the contractions.

The scariest time by far was yesterday morning. I was woked up at about 4am by the contractions but i was due for a dose of Procardia so I figured that was ok. Turns out i had been sleeping through contractions most of the night and they were just monitoring me. The first dose of medicine didn't work. The second dose of medicine didn't work. I got a shot in the arm of Truboline (sp?), that didn't work. And they finally went back to the "I" medication and that slowed things down. My next dose of Procardia the nurse called my "tic tac" for all the good it did earlier in the morning. But surprisingly, it worked! I shouldn't be surprised really, we had everyone within FB reach prayng for us at that exact time.

And contractions have been controlled every since. I had one isolated contraction this morning that I felt and that was it. Praise the Lord! The bleeding has not stopped and everytime I think it is getting lighter, I'm wrong. I currently have a bit of a stitch in my side that I need to mention to the nurse next time through (its a very busy day out there, 18 women on the monitors).

So this is the hard part, and the part that by far needs the most prayer. We were told yesterday that if they were unable to stop the contractions (without stopping my heart or bottoming out my blood pressure) they would have had to let nature takes its course. They say a viable baby is 24 weeks. Thats one week from tomorrow. Though I'm hearing stories now of  22 and 23 week babies that have survived. I know that just as many born that early have not made it. And they probably spent 6 months in the nicu. So that was just heart breaking to here. They would not intervene to save her. This week maybe they might. Maybe. If I'm closer to 24 weeks. I am being very closly monitored and am in the 3rd best hospital in the nation for pre-term labor. We are surrounded by the best prayer warriors we could possibly ask for. God is in control and he loves my baby as much as I do. He can do what medical science can't.

Please continue to lift up baby Alexandra Faith in prayer. She has been 100% distress free since we got here. Please left my body up in prayer. That it would stop bleeding, the the contractions would stop, the medication would be effective in keeping them at bay. Thank you so much from the bottem of my heart!

And thank you to all who have been bring food and helping with Ellie. Her whole world is upside down since I'm not home with her. There is a meal registry coming out soon and also I have a google docs spreadsheet created to sign up for helping with Ellie. If you would like to have access to either of those please let me know!

The c-section debate

My daughter was an emergency C-section. The nutshell version of her birth is this: water broke early AM but started with a considerable amount of blood, this led to the trip the hospital pre-active labor. Once there my water fully broke and contained meconium (babies first bowel movement for those who don't know) and is a strong sign of fetal distress. By early afternoon, despite walking the halls and other simulation, no regular and strong contractions, basically no dilation. Start Pitocin. Ick. Contractions start fast and furious but dilation is slow going and the contractions are impossible. Even with out an epidural, all I could do was lay in bed and breath through them and try to relax. 18 hours past the water breaking and 12 hours past the start of the Pitocin, Ellie was delivered by C-section weighing 9 pounds, 19 inches long, and a big ol' noggin.

18 months later, Ellie is doing great. I will forever have a scar from her entrance into the world. I am currently 20.5 weeks pregnant with her baby sister. I'm having an ongoing conversation with my OB practice.
Their protocol for a pregnancy after a C-section:
-They will not induce labor (whether they would do Pitocin if labor should stall is questionable, they all say something different),
-if labor does not start naturally by 39 weeks, they will schedule the C-section close to the due date
- I must have an epidural (again some say it can just be put in but not activated, other say I have to have it going or be put under if a C-section is again needed)

There is a stat that says 60-70% of women have a successful vaginal birth after C-section. I mentioned this last week and the doctor said "kind of" and elaborated to say that if you single out the labors to ended in C-section due to "failure to progress" like mine did, the odds are simply not that good. Not impossible, but not good. She also pointed out that subsequent pregnancies the babies tend to get bigger every time. I feel that some of the doctors are in favor of what is called "trail of labor" after c-section (or VBAC is more common) and others would rather skip the risk and the hassle and go straight to the scheduled C-section.

So Pros and Cons of a scheduled C-section
Pro's: Control. There is a lot of control in a schedule C-section. You pick the day. You can shower just before at home, you can get a good nights sleep (your last one for a long time!), your not exhausted by the time your on the table, you can arrange childcare for the sibling, you eliminate the risks of a ruptured scar (scary thought), and recovery time is better since your not completely exhausted from labor.

Con's: C-section is an automatic 4 day hospital stay, VBAC is about 2 usually. C-section you are not allowed to get out of bed or eat normally for over 24 hours. you are not allowed to drive for 2 weeks following. You have to lay on your back to sleep or it hurts like hell. You have to check for infection at the incision. I'd have to handle an almost 2 year old and a newborn by myself when Eric returns to work and recover for major surgery (lifting limits will be difficult)

Its not the way I think babies should be delivered. God made our bodies to deliver babies. But God also gave us medicine. And Lord knows, we needed a lot of medicine and medical science to even get to where we are today. I believe its better for mother and baby to experience the vaginal birth and all the gross ickiness that goes with it.

Also important to note: I have an offset umbilical cord (not attached at the center of the placenta but off to the side). Not much of a concern but needs to be monitored. She could end up laying on it and thus cutting off her supply and causing bad things to happen. There will be extra growth ultrasounds to monitor everything.

So what will I do? When we get to November, I will likely schedule the C-section for after Thanksgiving if she is showing no signs of coming on her own. By then I won't have a choice if we are at 39 weeks anyway. Ellie was born at 39 weeks. I will pray and hope that labor starts on its own in a different manner then Ellie's did. I will pray for a VBAC but more then anything, I will pray for a healthy baby girl to bring home. Nothing else really matters.

Summer festivities and gender reveal

Hard to believe that we are already halfway through the summer! It is so very true what they say, the days go slow but the years fly by. My baby girl is already 17months old! And Eric and I are quickly approaching 5 years of marriage. The every day is often uneventful and sometimes slow going but the weekends are always full of coming and going, full of friends and family. So here is a snapshot of our summer thus far!

Trip to Lamb's Farm

 

 

 

 

Random selfie

First red, white, and blue breakfast

4th of July parade

Stopping to smell the flowers (although she does try to eat them too)

chowing down on cake at a friends birthday party

can't resist a face in the hole

We found out today that Ellie will have a little SISTER! YAY! We are very excited!

Lessons from the garden and the kitchen table

Temporarily tending my landlord's garden while he is away. Lessons I have learned:
1) don't try to keep up a garden while your pregnant and expect your back not to kill you the rest of the day
2) weeding is oddly satisfying
3) Ellie is FAST! She ate two freshly picked strawberries, stems and all, and unwashed!
4) I really want my own garden very badly! Someday...

I do enjoy the notion of growing my own groceries. And I have just enough OCD to take care of a garden so I end up with good product. And what's best about growing food, you almost always end up with more then you need and then you get the satisfaction of giving it away to others to enjoy too. That is what I'm doing with my landlord's starter plants right now. He started more then he could plant so he asked me to give them away. After trying to give them to friends and no one being interested I hopped on the freecycle facebook group and immediately had takers. Too many actually, there is a line waiting to see what the first people leave behind. I've given a lot away in this fashion and I've picked up a couple of things as well. Its a nice community for the most part.

The weeding and watering, while a necessary chore, is simply killing my back. I've only gained 10 pounds yet by the end of the day I can hardly move my back is in so much pain. Between picking up Ellie (only 22 pounds), bending over to pick up toys, food off the floor, bending to get into my cabinets and fridge, bending to do the laundry... my back just seems to say "I quit!". So the added chores of weeding, watering (not much of this thanks to the rain), and strawberry pulling is not doing anything at all to help the situation :(

We have new neighbors, they are from Argentina. They have a little boy who is about to turn 2. He is very shy and Ellie is very outgoing. The mom doesn't speak English well at all and my Spanish is a fraction of what it used to be. But we are managing to communicate and I do remember more then I think I do. They brought Ellie a gift today. Not sure why, possibly a late birthday present and maybe just because. Cute dress and hair bows. The boys birthday is coming up soon so I will buy something nice for him and the mom's birthday was yesterday. I knew it was coming and the pregnancy brain totally forgot about it. I can give her something a little belated as well, maybe like a box of chocolates or something.

Ellie is 16 months old and every bit the toddler. She learns new words everyday and understands directions very well, even though she chooses not to listen to them sometimes. She is eating a good deal of what we eat at the table now but tonight only had a few handfuls of chicken and broccoli with rice before deciding she would rather play with it then eat it. I hate cleaning up rice, what a mess! She wouldn't eat it with a fork, she wouldn't eat it from the bowl. She dumped it on the tray and shoved a couple of handfuls into her mouth with her hands and then decided she was done. Other days, she will only eat her food with her spoon, or only her hands, or only on a plate. Sometimes, she has to have sips of water in-between bites. Sometimes, you have to eat some first. Sometimes, she wants to feed you. She will eat a whole bowl of peas but won't touch broccoli. And don't even get me started on meat!

So I just try to go with it. She is a good weight and has had no allergic reactions to anything. She is just a toddler and I try to be patient when she is screaming at me and pulling on my hands to get me to go somewhere because she can't verbalize what she wants. She always wants to be outside, even if it is raining. Mama guilt big time today, we were only outside for maybe an hour, sunburn on both her arms :( Also a contact rash on the back of her neck that looks bad and we now have a cream that I need to apply to it for a few days.

I see my OB this week for my 16 week check up. Should finally be able to hear the heartbeat. We have a quicky ultrasound too and there is a slight slight chance that we may learn gender but I'm not holding my breath. I still think its a boy but right now is anyone's guess. We have our official mid-term ultrasound on July 10th and we should know for sure at that point.