Yeah, so that title pretty much sums up my thoughts over the last week or two. I'm still trying to sort it all out and praying my way through them. They are not necessarily related to each other either. They are both related to my future as a parent. So I will tackle them one at a time.
The American Dream. I'm sorry, but what a load of crap that is. Since the recession the grand US of A has changed. It has affected everyone in one way or another. Mostly it hurt us, some of us it has helped. Some have lost jobs due to downsizing or businesses closing down. Prices on everything have gone up, paycheck have gone down. It has helped more people to buy homes thanks to the housing market collapse and low interest rates (the downside being many people have lost their homes). Thankfully Eric and I have been less affected in the negative way but many friends and family members have suffered greatly. Before infertility came along, we thought we'd have the stereotypical american dream that some many of our friends already have. And I have struggled with why God has not allowed us to have that. I'm still struggling through it even today.
I think the illustration of a sculptor is a good one here. He takes a block of clay/cement and cuts away a lot of clay until the image he envisioned starts to emerge. I can imagine it takes a long time. The details are endless. I'm sure the material is stubborn and often doesn't do what he wants it to. The parallels here are obvious. God has an image he wants me to be, like his Son. But to get me there he has to do a lot of cutting. It hurts when God is molding you. I find myself now asking God to give me new dreams, new desires. Not just the ones that the American culture tells me I should have. That ones that I've spent the last 31 years of my life chasing after. I'm asking God to help me let them go. And you know what, I feel a lot more peace. Trying to buy a house in our fragile financial state would be to force it to happen in our timing. Not God's. The American dream is probably not in our immediate future and God is helping me to accept that.
Going Organic. Going gluten free was hard and expensive enough. Now I've had this nagging thought about going Organic. I would say that I've been eating pesticides and GMO foods my whole life and it hasn't hurt me, but that might be a lie. There is no way to know for certain but I have four major issues in my body and no logical explanation for them. Lactose and gluten intolerance, eczema (skin), and infertility. Yeah, these things just happen but then again... maybe not. We don't know the long term affect of how the chemicals in our food are effecting our bodies. From what I understand, its been more of a supply keeping up with an increasing demand issue that has made this happen. Yet, it seems to me, and maybe I'm wrong, but those in third world countries, while maybe malnourished, seem to have a lot less allergies and cases of things like autism. I haven't studied any of this because well, studies are always going to be biased depending on who sponsored the study and what results they were trying to get. Looking forward to a day when I will be pregnant (Lord willing) and be raising children, I want to be sure that I was putting as much good, pure food in my body as possible. I probably will never be 100% organic but I will make an effort to do so. I am afraid of putting further strain on our budget (gluten free eating isn't cheap) but I think it will be beneficial in the long run. I know this won't fix what is wrong with me physically but maybe I can help prevent my children from having similar or different issues.
