The Mommy Club

I've been feeling thoughtful this week. Well, as thoughtful as I can be seeing how sleep deprived I've been all week.

1 year ago I was mentally recovering from a failed pregnancy and mentally preparing for the next attempt. I was feeling so many, many things. Broken, anxious, doubtful, excluded, anything but hopeful, anything but normal. Infertility is one the worst and often least addressed issue amongst young couples. Unless you've lost a pregnancy or struggled for more then a year to get pregnant you can't even begin to know what it feels like to feel... abnormal. To be on the outside looking in. To sit in a room full of your friends who are talking happily about their pregnancy and little babies and have to walk outside for some fresh air so they don't see you crying. That was a year ago.

And today... I'm in the mommy club. The sleep deprived, can't-get-anything-done, crazy club. I've been accepted. I can converse now with other mothers. I'm not on the outside looking in... but so many women still are. And my heart breaks for them. God granted us a miracle and I get to love her and hold her everyday. But I can still, and always will, remember the heartache we had to go through to get here.

Please, be aware of who is around you and your friends. Someone may be struggling with infertility and you don't even know it. What comes easy and natural to so many is an insurmountable mountain for others. Make the effort to NOT talk non-stop about babies and include everyone. Thank you.

Mama guilt

Mama guilt is a phrase I started hearing when I was pregnant and I thought it was weird. Why would a mom feel guilty? Well, now I know! Let me preemptively state now that I am not suffering from post-partum depression. I feel bad (guilty) when I have to let Ellie cry. It tears at my heart like you wouldn't believe. But sometimes, I need to get some food in my mouth, or go to the rest room, or change my clothes. Its impossible for me to hold her 24 hours a day. With her reflux issues, I do have to hold her a good part of the day. And I love holding her! But sometimes mama needs a break and I feel mama guilt for that. I feel mama guilt when she is crying and I can't get her to calm down. I think it is part of the reflux but she gets into these crying tangents and gets herself so worked up that she is inconsolable. Swaddling, swaying, bouncing, sssshing, talking to her usually helps but it may take 5-10 mins of screaming before she settles down, usually she will fall asleep. And again, mama guilt for making her feel like she needs to sleep all the time. But if its the only way she will stop screaming what is a mama suppose to do?

In an attempt to help her reflux in a more natural way I have now taken both dairy and soy 99% out of my diet. Many mama's have said that this helped their babies who had similar reflux or gas issues. It might however be 2-3 weeks before there is any noticeable difference in Ellie. If it even helps at all. The doctor gave us Zantac but I honestly think it made her throwing up worse and made her more gassy. All these meds have side effects but an infant can't tell you how she is feeling. She just cries that much more. And it breaks my heart that I can't "fix" her. And I can't let it go on for another 3 months while her body matures to where it won't happen anymore. So, even though I was already lactose intolerant, I could just take an OTC enzyme that helped me to digest dairy. I've been doing this for 17 years (yikes!). And now I have to eliminate it and that's difficult and expensive. Dairy substitutes are easy enough to find but they are pricey and sometimes just don't taste very good. I'm told that soy has a protein similar to dairy and could also be effecting the baby. So I'm taking that out too. I don't take in a lot of soy to begin with but it does seems to be in almost everything that is pre-packaged. Good thing I'm used to reading labels anyway.

Next week Monday Ellie will be 6 weeks old! Which means it time for her to sleep in her big girl crib. Problem being, she never really slept in her little girl bassinet. For the better part of the last 6 weeks she has slept on my chest while I slept on the couch. We both sleep longer and better that way. But its a really, really bad habit and I started the process of breaking it last night. That means I got almost zero sleep. Its a lot harder then I thought it would be. 1) your body craves sleep at 3am. Knowing that I could sleep soundly with her on my chest is a huge, huge temptation. And I have to force myself to get up once she is sound asleep on me and put her in her crib. 2) I just sleep better when she is with me. I get up every 30-60  mins when she starts crying and when I am sleeping I am having really weird dreams. But we have to do it. She has to sleep in her crib, I have to sleep in my bed. No other arraignment is acceptable to me (us). So this afternoon when she naps (in her crib) I will nap on the couch. Very, very tired.

And now she is up and hungry... to the child I go...

Things I've learned

I've been thinking about all the things I've learned in the last 4 weeks of motherhood. Some are serious and some are funny. We'll see how many hours it takes me to write this blog out, haha.

1. I can fall asleep sitting straight up
2. I can get by with a lot less sleep then I thought possible
3. The help of family and friends is invaluable
4. Dishes can always be done tomorrow
5. Breastfeeding is actually not as easy as it looks, at least in the beginning, it gets better
6. When the little girl laughs, even when its just gas, you can't help but laugh
7. Watching daddy get in the little girls face just as she lets a belch out = Priceless
8. Support groups are great for getting out of the house and meeting new friends
9. Learning how to do things single handedly is difficult
10. Running simple errands like getting groceries is 10 fold harder with an infant
11. God bless the retail employees and other customers that think a newborns cry is just beautiful (as we hurry to get out of the store)
12. Trying to plan chores/errands around a 1 1/2 hour feeding schedule is nearly impossible

Everyone says "it gets easier" and I believe it will. Or honestly, who would have more then one kid? Hopefully in about 2 weeks when she is 6 weeks old we will have some semblance of a schedule and maybe start sleeping better.