Renew

It is the eve of a brand new year. My child is on antibiotics and sleeping fitfully in her room. My husband is sicker then sick and is already sound asleep on the couch in a medicated coma. I am fighting a sinus headache, eating gluten free cutter cookies and sipping chamomile tea with honey. I will go to bed shortly to get as much sleep as I can before my sick baby wakes up again.

A new year should fill me with hope. Not this year. We just had a failed transfer that should have resulted in the end of our journey. But it did not produce twins. It did not produce a baby. It utterly failed. And just like that, all the time, money, emotional energy that went into it came up... empty. I go back through it in my mind. What did I do wrong? Didn't I eat well enough? Didn't I get enough sleep (with a 10 month old, fat chance)? Was I too stressed out? Was the massage the wrong move? Should Eric have taken more days off? In the end, there is no answers. The transfer that resulted in Ellie was after a very stressful 6 weeks (family flood) and followed by a 3 day vacation to Michigan. Then I went back to work. After a previous failure, I had little hope that we had conceived. Since Ellie's birth we had a natural pregnancy that ended in an extremely early miscarriage. I had a lot of hope for the December transfer. But it failed.

And with that failure we are looking again at meeting my healthcare deductible which is a lot. So that is the financial angle. We are looking at more medications to be pumped into me, some quite painful. We are looking at more emotional ups and downs as we seek to complete our family. We have maybe 4 more attempts at this and then we are at the end. But that is more chances then some families ever have. And something tells me, my faith will be stretched even further then ever before.

We have infertility. It will never, ever be easy for us to conceive. I may never bear another child. Ellie will truly be our miracle. It will always be hard. It will always be expensive. It will always be emotionally exhausting. In March 2015 I know of no less then 5 babies due. Another in June. I know a handful of mom's who will be trying for baby #2 in 2015. And that is a bit overwhelming to me at times. To conceive at no cost. To conceive basically whenever you want. To be fertile. In all fairness, the twins that are due and one of the babies due in March were IVF, those ladies went through a lot to have their babies. Just like so many, many, many women do. In my mommy group, 2 others struggle with infertility. In my small group bible study, 1 other couple struggles with infertility. I am in good company, these friends understand me. But at the same time, 90% of the other friends don't. Not in the least bit.

We will try again. And again. And again. And when the time comes, we will call it quits and we will look into foster to adopt programs. This is my journey. 2015 you better be a good one...

My so big, little girl

10 1/2 months. This little girl of mine is learning so many new things everyday its hard to keep up.  She can stand by herself for a few seconds if you trick her into doing it. She can identify several of her toys and go get them when you ask her to, like Ball (she is very, very good at catching and returning a ball to us), Happy Hippo, and Cookie Monster (hand puppet). Her sleep habits are finally back to pre-sickness routines, which means waking up once in the night for a bottle then back to sleep till about 6. She mimics sounds very well and we think she is saying "up" and she might be saying the "I see" you part of peek a boo. She can do the "more" sign in sign language when we ask her too but doesn't do it on her own for more food yet. She cries sometimes when someone she likes leaves the room. She does very well when I leave her in the nursery at church to attend a once a month mom's group that meets there. She doesn't like it when someone else has possession of her favorite toy "Happy Hippo" and will wrestle it away from you. She is walking along furniture like a pro and falling down and bumping her head on a regular basis. She doesn't like loud sounds like running the mixer or the blender and will cling to my legs till I stop. She has leaned to open drawers and cabinets and regularly takes out cooking utensils and throws them around the kitchen. The doors have child locks on them now but not the drawers :( She is learning to give hugs and we are trying to teach her to give kisses. She loves bath time and nearly dives in head first while the tub is filling.

All these things make me realize that she is getting so big and she will be a toddler before I know it. But then at other times, she is still so much like a baby. When she gets hurt she just wants to be held. When she is teething, she just wants to cuddle with me. When I give her her nighttime bottle she just falls back asleep on my shoulder as I rock with her.

Several friends have had babies recently and I'm holding these little 8 pound things that barely wake up or move much and I really just can't remember Ellie being that small or that content. I have horror stories about how much my angel cried during those first 6 weeks and how little she would sleep. But I don't remember her being tiny and content. Granted she was born at 9 pounds but lost a pound in the hospital and didn't get back to 9 for a couple of weeks if I remember correctly. Even after all that, we still hope and pray that someday God blesses us with another little miracle to add to our family.

Here are some recent pictures from our holiday festivities.

Just a cute picture of Eric and Ellie

First visit with Santa. No smiles but no crying either.



Bass Pro is awesome and everything there was free including Santa and this carousel

Eric plays the tuba at the Christmas Festival every year and this picture is now a tradition

We could have fit Ellie in the horn but decided against it