The end of Part 1

Four and a half years. All but 8 months of our marriage. That's how long we've been trying to have our family. And today, we have officially reached the end of part 1 of our story. Today we found out that our 7th embryo transfer failed. So since 2013 we have had 2 chemical pregnancies, 3 failed cycles, one term birth and one preterm birth and one natural pregnancy and miscarriage. I have officially been pregnant 5 times. I feel a lot of different things at different times, sometimes even at the same time. I've been angry, sad, jealous, envious, frustrated, overwhelmed, heart broken, crushed, and more.

I think I will always feel sad but I also feel relieved. I no longer have to wonder "if I get pregnant the next round" because there are no more rounds coming. No more blood draws, no more ultrasounds, no more pills, no more shots, no more transfers, no more pregnancy diets. No more putting my life on hold.

We did the best we could for as long as we could. We used every single embryo that was created for us. We lost many in thawing, we lost many in my womb. We lost our sweet Lexie. I will not look back on this time and wonder if we did everything we could. We really truly did. And now its over. We have our beautiful Ellie. And more than ever before, she is our walking talking daily reminder that miracles do happen!

And a HUGE shout out to my RE Dr Randy Morris. He and his staff are remarkable. From his bedside manner, to the nurses, ultrasound techs, the phlebotomists, receptionists, and surgical staff. Absolutely amazing from start to finish. They've put up with a lot of craziness from me over the last 4 years and they did it with grace. I'd recommend them to anyone unfortunate enough to need them!

I'm sure I've not taken my last pregnancy test. I wish. I will always have them in stock, probably until I hit menopause or have a hysterectomy, when all hope is truly gone. We have less than a 5% chance of getting pregnant and if we do (like we did) odd are we would miscarry. But the monthly anxiety that comes with waiting for the cycle to start can't be a part of my life anymore. It can't be my focus. If it does, I'm in serious trouble. I have a toddler to raise, a house to maintain, and many, many more races to run! That's enough for me!

So the task at hand now is to purge. I'm selling or giving away all my maternity wear and Ellie's infant equipment. We can't take steps towards foster-to-adopt until Eric takes his first call and we get settled into a house somewhere. But I am starting to dream along those lines. This step I feel has been a long time coming.

My devotion today really spoke to my heart. From "Jesus Lives"...This path is not of your choosing, but it is My way for you. I am doing things you can't understand. That is why I say "Trust Me!"... find hope in Me, beloved, for I am taking care of you... see Isaiah 50:10 and Psalms 42:5

I teared up several times writing this entry. This is my heart. This is my journey. Its ugly, its hard, but in the end, there is peace. We have been loved so much during this time of trial in our lives. So much love and support that I still can't fully believe it sometimes. I've met so many, many women who are on this wretched path with me who know my pain like others can't. But we get through it, together.