1 year

So here we are. 1 year later. August 7th, 2015 Alexandra Faith was born just after 10pm after 8 days of trying to stop my bleeding and labor. We never found out why the bleeding started. And we never will. It just happens. Why it had to happen 2 weeks before she would have reached viability we'll never know. I still blame myself. I shouldn't have taken that walk around the mall when walking distances was always difficult and painful. I shouldn't have moved those not so light highchairs. I should have gone to the ER immediately rather than my OB who told me nothing was wrong and to go home. So I bled all night before I went to the ER in the morning of the next day. But none of that would have changed what happened. None of that caused what happened to happen. It is agony not knowing the "why" and its a work in progress to be ok with that. The first months and holidays were the hardest. Ellie's birthday this year was pretty low key. It doesn't take much to bring the tears. esp today. Had she lived what would her life been like? Would we have ever been able to take her home? Some micro preemies never get to go home but live in hospital like settings their whole lives.

Rather than focus on what could have been, we looked to move on. Always remembering her. In the last year I have trained for and ran two 5k (3.1 mile) races and one 10k (6.2 mile). Eric completed and graduated from his Lay Ministry program and has been actively networking with Lutherans across the country to find a church that needs him. We moved homes, again. We've been enjoying watching our Ellie growing bigger and smarter and sassier. She is well on her way to being a three-nager for sure!

Today we kept it low key. All baby loss families will do something different to honor their lost child. In the future we may do something different than we did today. Today we went to church, had lunch at home, and took a family nap. We went to the store to get some white helium balloons (way more difficult than it should have been! No one at the desk so who do they get to help? A produce guy who had no idea where anything was or how to tie a balloon.) So once we got the balloons it was on to the Arboretum which was packed on this beautiful Sunday afternoon. We traveled on the back road a bit till we found a nice empty field. We took one of our white balloons with us and Ellie helped us release it into the sky. A silent memorial to our baby. We got two balloons so that Ellie could keep one (and not be upset) but also to symbolize that while she is gone from us, she is still with us too. We walked a little bit but were getting eaten alive by mosquitoes so we left to head for dinner. We had dinner out and came home to watch the olympics and wind down from the day.

Lexie's ashes are encased in a glass flower that is on display in our house and also in a Christmas ornament. She is always with us. And she is never far from our thoughts, today nearer than most days. The first time my baby girl opened her eyes she was looking at the face of Jesus. She never knew the pain of living in this world. We miss you Lexie.

training underwear rant

This blog has now had 5555 page views, just thought that was cool enough to mention.

Anyhow, found myself irritated at Target tonight. I'm usually pretty happy about selection and stuff there, its my primary shopping store for a lot of things. We thought we'd finally get Ellie a package of underwear to really start potty training. Slim selection for starters but the shows she really likes, Thomas the Tank Engine, Batman and Superman and snoopy characters, those were only available in boys. The girls consisted of Disney Princess or Frozen or some other cable channel kids show that she doesn't watch. There was exactly 1 package of generic Hanes girls underwear on the display and it was 2 sizes too big. We almost got the mini mouse ones but they were pricey and I was irritated so we left with nothing for her. Now to hunt for something better and not gender bias. If she wants to wear Thomas or Superman underwear why can't she? Why is that marketed only in boys style? What about Thomas the tank engine says that only boys watch that show or that girls don't love super heros too? I'm surprised there wasn't star wars either, but if there had been, probably would have been boys style too.

Rant over.

Run inspirations and balance

I have a file on my computer just called Run Inspirations. When I need a little boost of encouragement I open up that file and just start reading through. If I'm struggling with some aspect of the run (rain, pain, bad run, discouragement, ect) I google that thing and come up with some more to add to the file. It also helps me to remember that everyone struggles with different things that keep them from their goal. The leg pain has been a bad one for me. I'm seeing my second PT tonight in hopes that they can fix me so I can run when and how I want to. The guy I'm seeing had spoken at a running store clinic and introduced himself by saying "I fix broken runners"so I am looking forward to being fixed :) I've only been running once a week for the last couple of weeks. Filling the other workouts in with elliptical and stationary biking or PiYo. Taking rest days to do laundry or have play dates too.

Work out wise I've felt pretty balanced. But I'm not balanced. And that was evidenced by the fact that Ellie stopped napping again. I may be a runner and thats important but I'm a mama to a 2 year old too. And that two year old needs to run! Even if it is around and around in circles at the playground. I realized that I couldn't remember our last playdate. Or the last time she saw kids outside the daycare at the gym. Mama guilt. Big time. I was putting on my running shoes and Ellie saw me. I told her I was going to go running with friends " Ellie run with friends too?", I think she misses our stroller runs with our friends. So we are going to start working on being more balanced. Usually after a workout we'd get an errand or two done and then head home for lunch, giving her no time to burn off her energy. And making me quite frazzled and exhausted as I try to manage my child through the store without a tantrum. Errands can be done later, park time (as long as its dry) now comes first.

We just got done with a weekend of really bad sleep. She was napping but not sleeping well at night. Be it nightmare, teething (molars), or sleep walking, we didn't get a lot of sleep saturday or Sunday. Whatever it was resolved itself and last night was uneventful. Thank God. This week we have play time scheduled with family and friends so I am hoping for better naps and better nights sleep.

I am getting new shoes at the end of the month as my running shoes may actually be contributing to the shin pain I've had for months now. I've officially registered for my 10k for Aug 21st, currently running 4 miles. Very slowly increasing distance so I do get injured further. Fun stuff.

Becoming THAT mom

Mother's day 2016

I'm turning 35 this Friday. Yep. 35. It kinda snuck up on me. 15 years ago, I never could have dreamed that this is where I would be. Never would have believed I'd live in Bolivia for 2 years, that I would suffer through years of infertility and have to resort to the best medical science has to offer to be able to have my children. Never would have believed I'd lose a pregnancy. I also never would have believed I'd be running 5ks and working on a 10k. I did dream of being married to an amazing guy (check!) and of having children (check!) and someday working in ministry with my husband (soon to be - check!). Life happens. Rarely does it go as planned but I still believe that God has a reason for all the things that have happened in my life. A FB friend lost a pregnancy at 19 weeks today... the heartache is still real, always will be.

Anyway! As I watch myself in everyday life I realize I've become THAT mom. My hair is daily in a pony tail because I work out or run in the morning. I'm wearing my work out clothes for most of the day. Jeans are not my friend these days. Nothing fits quite right. I lost some weight but not all the weight on the tummy that I would have liked. Too tight, too loose, too... I don't know, unflattering. And guess what? No money to go out and buy better ones. Goodwill/savers are even pricey and its really hit or miss that I'll find something for my body type there. Huge time suck and with Ellie nearly impossible. So I wear my work out clothes. I go to the grocery store after I work out because I don't want fresh stuff to spoil in the car. I love running or working out with a friend because our kids play together and its motivation to do something other than sit on the couch. I've got a cheap membership to a local fitness center so I can take classes and cross train. I took a PiYo class and was sore for no less than 5 days. And I mean sore. I'm running again but still with a small amount of pain. That 9 day break I took was hard but necessary. I don't want to give up on my body. I'll tread carefully here so I don't offend any friends. I'll never be as I was before pregnancies but I don't like the baby belly. I had 1 1/2 pregnancies and it shows. My diet can be improved, I've just been lazy. After the birthday cake is gone, its back to watching carbs (to a degree) and eating better. And core work, thats important.

I also love to see my girlfriends without my kid around. Coffee dates with old friends, moms nights out with new friends, on rare occasion, date night with my husband. Sometimes when life events are overwhelmingly stressful, I'll treat myself to a bottle of wine (and Eric gets a tub of ice cream, thats our deal). Infertility has finally taken a back seat to the rest of my life. It is a burden I no longer wish to carry with me anymore. Career change, getting a house (rented or bought) and starting foster care - to-adoption is what I like to focus on now. I can't change my infertility, I can change someone else's life.

My little baby is growing up so fast. She runs away from me as fast as she can most of the time. She tries to climb rock walls without assistance, she speaks in full sentences that most people can understand, she eats fairly well and loves seeing her friends. Sometimes I have no idea what she is trying to tell me (seriously "ines" ended up being "oranges") and she subs some wrong sounds in words she used to say correctly. She has zero interest in using the potty though, hoping that changes soon. She is a smart, growing, and amazing little girl. And I am blessed to be her mama.

Running injured

The last thing a runner wants to be told is that they can't run or that they need to slow down, go easy. Every fiber of my being says 'NO! Why would I do that when I'm just getting good?' Well, I do still have a little bit of common sense rolling around in my head somewhere. I haven't gone completely crazy (yet). I've had a sore muscle, next to my left shin bone, for a few months now. I figured it was just a normal muscle growing pain and tried to write it off, ignore it. And I did that successfully for about the last 3 months or so. I almost always take a rest day in between runs and have been taking ibuprofen and icing it when the pain was getting worse. That seemed to keep it in check but the pain was consistent. After my last race I finally went to an athletes physical therapy appointment and had it check out there and got some free advice, none of it was to stop running. But the pain was getting worse, not better and I just wanted to get better fast!

This week I ran Sunday and Tuesday, both days amazingly, without the stroller. But with a good deal of hills and a good deal of shin pain. By the end of the run on Tuesday (2.5 miles) I was very nearly limping home. My leg muscles were so tight I could barely move them and the pain was almost unbearable. I actually considered going to urgent care but was able to make an appt to see my MD that morning. So I took some IB and tried to stretch, my fo
am roller was at home but I had rolled it that morning pre-run. The good doctor basically told me I had shin splints and tendonits of the muscle along that shin. She gave me some muscle relaxants and told me to just walk for a while, give the muscle some time to heal. Not at all what I wanted to hear but I really, really would like to run again without pain. So at least for this week I will not run :( That makes me sad. But the wise thing to do is to listen to your body, if it hurts, give it a rest.

I've signed up at a cheap local fitness center to make use of their fitness classes and cross training equipment. I am mostly interested in their piyo and elliptical and stationary bikes. Bonus is that they have childcare. Nothing fancy but Ellie hasn't cried either time I've left her there, works for me. They also are short handed on the daycare, they said I could bring her with  me so I applied for it. Will see if they call, might be nice to make some money again.

So it is going to take some time. As the pain lessons I can start to add some easy, flat(ish) runs, maybe start back on softer paths rather than the paved ones I'm usually on. I was going to start training for longer distance this month but can't push it just now, hopefully soon. Yuck, yuck, yuck. This is worse than being sick :(

5K #2 complete

I ran and finished my second ever 5K today. It was a little rough training over the winter with a lot of time spent on the dreadmill but it did help me in the end. My finish time this race was 32:31 which is 6 mins faster than my Turkey Trot last thanksgiving. I can still hardly believe that I was running better than a 10:30 mile! Pushing ellie outside these last 2 months really helped to build my endurance. I also was invited to join a FB based mothers running group and it has been so much fun meeting new running friends who often run with their strollers too. Whether we run 5ks or marathons, doesn't matter. We are of the same mind set and I LOVE that!

There were just over 2,500 runners today. There was a half marathon and a 5k at the same time. Fun music, a great MC and near perfect weather conditions. Pretty early start at 7am on a Sunday (little chilly at the beginning) but absolutely gorgeous by 8-9am. I was able to see some friends finish their 1/2 marathons which was awesome.

My run was pretty good. I had my Garmin watch this time so I knew as I went how well I was pacing and also when it was getting tough how close I was to the next mile. A few challenging hills and before I knew it I was on the running track. I kicked it into high gear as I approached the finish and saw the clock ticking towards 33 mins (my goal) and made it in just under. Biggest gripe about the race is that the walkers didn't stick to the back at start up. My first mile was my slowest because I literally had to push my way through the walkers and zig zag to a clearer path. Very frustrating. I might have elbowed someone in the side at some point (not intentionally). Regardless, crossing that finish line is a thrill and afterwards as I watched the 1/2-ers finishing I found myself getting quite emotional. Hard to explain.

I didn't stop moving till after a family party this afternoon/evening and once I collapsed on the couch that was it, haven't moved much since except to put the kid to bed. Not sure when the next race is but as is often said "There is always another race." Need to get my leg healed up and start training for longer distance.

It will make me stronger

Our move to our temporary housing is complete! Still tons to do but we are living in our temporary residence. Still boxes to unpack, things to figure out, and the old place to clean up but the end is in sight. The condo is very different than our previous town home has a couple of pros and a couple of cons but in the end, it saves us money, and releases us from having a signed lease. We have a "rental agreement" that does not specify a period of time and that is a HUGE blessing.

The title of this blog "It will make me stronger" has a couple of meanings. And I don't mean to use it as, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not saying that at all. This condo is a challenge physically in a way I am not used to. To save money on the coin laundry I am taking 2 loads at time to wash at my parents house once a week. Being on the second floor and the car being several hundred feet away, yeah, my arms were feeling it. This morning I monitored Ellie on the stairs, carried the laundry basket (tall, full size) and a bag of garbage to throw in the dumpster. My arms were on fire! Add to that the grocery factor. Again, several bags loaded with various foods, carried from the car parked in bufu and up the stairs. Mind you having to open three doors in the process. My arms will be strong my the end of our stay for sure! I guess there you have the cross training I should be doing, haha :)

Next up on my strength training is the hills around here. I took my first run around one of the paths that go around my new neighborhood. Holy hills. I'm used to some hills but mostly flat running. Not hill after steep(ish) hill. Plus today I just happened to be running up these hills and into 20mph wind gusts. First mile and a half was much harder than I anticipated! Race is in just 5 days and they are calling for scattered showers. Hoping for a rain free 5k. Some friends are running the 1/2 marathon at the same time, hoping to see some of them cross their finish line!

After this race I want to start working on my distance. I've had a strained ligament in my left shin for a couple of months now. If I run back to back days I can hardly walk. So I give myself a rest day inbetween and its more manageable. Not sure what adding distance will do to it but I have to try. I can run 3 miles now pretty much whenever I set my mind to it. So to keep a goal in front of me I will try to train this summer and attempt a 10K in the fall, regardless of if we move from the area. Races can be anywhere usually. I'm turning 35 pretty soon here so maybe my 5 year goal will be to run a 1/2 marathon but we'll see. Its much more of a time commitment to train for that, will depend on a lot of things, mostly children ( Ellie and potential foster kids), and if I have to start working again.

And the last thing about this time that will make me stronger is in my faith. My faith has gotten me through some really ugly, hard, painful things in the last 4 years, this last year in particular. But this, this waiting, living in limbo, with half our stuff in storage, waiting for the phone to ring... its a heck of a place to be, let me tell you. But God is with us in the waiting. He is teaching me to pray for a church that I don't know know the name of, to have peace in the uncertainty, patience to know that He has a plan for our family, and trust that he has all the details already worked out for us. We know that Eric's information has been submitted to a church in Missouri but also (and more recently) to a church in Minnesota but we don't know anything beyond that.

My heart longs to settle down. To finally have a place to call our own, a home to grow our family, to update/change to our hearts content. All of the places we have lived since we've been married have all been in desperate need of updating. An investment none of our landlords have been willing to make I guess. And I am tired of it. I'm really not high maintenance, I swear. But my kitchens are getting increasingly smaller and the bathrooms and appliances older. Lord let our next move be to our semi-permanent home, please!

Ellie seems to be taking most of this in stride. She is loving that grandma is temporarily out of work and she gets to see her a little more. She is growing bigger and more vocal every day and it is adorable. Currently napping most days and being a stubborn 2 year old. Life is much simpler when your 2.