Becoming THAT mom

Mother's day 2016

I'm turning 35 this Friday. Yep. 35. It kinda snuck up on me. 15 years ago, I never could have dreamed that this is where I would be. Never would have believed I'd live in Bolivia for 2 years, that I would suffer through years of infertility and have to resort to the best medical science has to offer to be able to have my children. Never would have believed I'd lose a pregnancy. I also never would have believed I'd be running 5ks and working on a 10k. I did dream of being married to an amazing guy (check!) and of having children (check!) and someday working in ministry with my husband (soon to be - check!). Life happens. Rarely does it go as planned but I still believe that God has a reason for all the things that have happened in my life. A FB friend lost a pregnancy at 19 weeks today... the heartache is still real, always will be.

Anyway! As I watch myself in everyday life I realize I've become THAT mom. My hair is daily in a pony tail because I work out or run in the morning. I'm wearing my work out clothes for most of the day. Jeans are not my friend these days. Nothing fits quite right. I lost some weight but not all the weight on the tummy that I would have liked. Too tight, too loose, too... I don't know, unflattering. And guess what? No money to go out and buy better ones. Goodwill/savers are even pricey and its really hit or miss that I'll find something for my body type there. Huge time suck and with Ellie nearly impossible. So I wear my work out clothes. I go to the grocery store after I work out because I don't want fresh stuff to spoil in the car. I love running or working out with a friend because our kids play together and its motivation to do something other than sit on the couch. I've got a cheap membership to a local fitness center so I can take classes and cross train. I took a PiYo class and was sore for no less than 5 days. And I mean sore. I'm running again but still with a small amount of pain. That 9 day break I took was hard but necessary. I don't want to give up on my body. I'll tread carefully here so I don't offend any friends. I'll never be as I was before pregnancies but I don't like the baby belly. I had 1 1/2 pregnancies and it shows. My diet can be improved, I've just been lazy. After the birthday cake is gone, its back to watching carbs (to a degree) and eating better. And core work, thats important.

I also love to see my girlfriends without my kid around. Coffee dates with old friends, moms nights out with new friends, on rare occasion, date night with my husband. Sometimes when life events are overwhelmingly stressful, I'll treat myself to a bottle of wine (and Eric gets a tub of ice cream, thats our deal). Infertility has finally taken a back seat to the rest of my life. It is a burden I no longer wish to carry with me anymore. Career change, getting a house (rented or bought) and starting foster care - to-adoption is what I like to focus on now. I can't change my infertility, I can change someone else's life.

My little baby is growing up so fast. She runs away from me as fast as she can most of the time. She tries to climb rock walls without assistance, she speaks in full sentences that most people can understand, she eats fairly well and loves seeing her friends. Sometimes I have no idea what she is trying to tell me (seriously "ines" ended up being "oranges") and she subs some wrong sounds in words she used to say correctly. She has zero interest in using the potty though, hoping that changes soon. She is a smart, growing, and amazing little girl. And I am blessed to be her mama.

Running injured

The last thing a runner wants to be told is that they can't run or that they need to slow down, go easy. Every fiber of my being says 'NO! Why would I do that when I'm just getting good?' Well, I do still have a little bit of common sense rolling around in my head somewhere. I haven't gone completely crazy (yet). I've had a sore muscle, next to my left shin bone, for a few months now. I figured it was just a normal muscle growing pain and tried to write it off, ignore it. And I did that successfully for about the last 3 months or so. I almost always take a rest day in between runs and have been taking ibuprofen and icing it when the pain was getting worse. That seemed to keep it in check but the pain was consistent. After my last race I finally went to an athletes physical therapy appointment and had it check out there and got some free advice, none of it was to stop running. But the pain was getting worse, not better and I just wanted to get better fast!

This week I ran Sunday and Tuesday, both days amazingly, without the stroller. But with a good deal of hills and a good deal of shin pain. By the end of the run on Tuesday (2.5 miles) I was very nearly limping home. My leg muscles were so tight I could barely move them and the pain was almost unbearable. I actually considered going to urgent care but was able to make an appt to see my MD that morning. So I took some IB and tried to stretch, my fo
am roller was at home but I had rolled it that morning pre-run. The good doctor basically told me I had shin splints and tendonits of the muscle along that shin. She gave me some muscle relaxants and told me to just walk for a while, give the muscle some time to heal. Not at all what I wanted to hear but I really, really would like to run again without pain. So at least for this week I will not run :( That makes me sad. But the wise thing to do is to listen to your body, if it hurts, give it a rest.

I've signed up at a cheap local fitness center to make use of their fitness classes and cross training equipment. I am mostly interested in their piyo and elliptical and stationary bikes. Bonus is that they have childcare. Nothing fancy but Ellie hasn't cried either time I've left her there, works for me. They also are short handed on the daycare, they said I could bring her with  me so I applied for it. Will see if they call, might be nice to make some money again.

So it is going to take some time. As the pain lessons I can start to add some easy, flat(ish) runs, maybe start back on softer paths rather than the paved ones I'm usually on. I was going to start training for longer distance this month but can't push it just now, hopefully soon. Yuck, yuck, yuck. This is worse than being sick :(

5K #2 complete

I ran and finished my second ever 5K today. It was a little rough training over the winter with a lot of time spent on the dreadmill but it did help me in the end. My finish time this race was 32:31 which is 6 mins faster than my Turkey Trot last thanksgiving. I can still hardly believe that I was running better than a 10:30 mile! Pushing ellie outside these last 2 months really helped to build my endurance. I also was invited to join a FB based mothers running group and it has been so much fun meeting new running friends who often run with their strollers too. Whether we run 5ks or marathons, doesn't matter. We are of the same mind set and I LOVE that!

There were just over 2,500 runners today. There was a half marathon and a 5k at the same time. Fun music, a great MC and near perfect weather conditions. Pretty early start at 7am on a Sunday (little chilly at the beginning) but absolutely gorgeous by 8-9am. I was able to see some friends finish their 1/2 marathons which was awesome.

My run was pretty good. I had my Garmin watch this time so I knew as I went how well I was pacing and also when it was getting tough how close I was to the next mile. A few challenging hills and before I knew it I was on the running track. I kicked it into high gear as I approached the finish and saw the clock ticking towards 33 mins (my goal) and made it in just under. Biggest gripe about the race is that the walkers didn't stick to the back at start up. My first mile was my slowest because I literally had to push my way through the walkers and zig zag to a clearer path. Very frustrating. I might have elbowed someone in the side at some point (not intentionally). Regardless, crossing that finish line is a thrill and afterwards as I watched the 1/2-ers finishing I found myself getting quite emotional. Hard to explain.

I didn't stop moving till after a family party this afternoon/evening and once I collapsed on the couch that was it, haven't moved much since except to put the kid to bed. Not sure when the next race is but as is often said "There is always another race." Need to get my leg healed up and start training for longer distance.

It will make me stronger

Our move to our temporary housing is complete! Still tons to do but we are living in our temporary residence. Still boxes to unpack, things to figure out, and the old place to clean up but the end is in sight. The condo is very different than our previous town home has a couple of pros and a couple of cons but in the end, it saves us money, and releases us from having a signed lease. We have a "rental agreement" that does not specify a period of time and that is a HUGE blessing.

The title of this blog "It will make me stronger" has a couple of meanings. And I don't mean to use it as, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not saying that at all. This condo is a challenge physically in a way I am not used to. To save money on the coin laundry I am taking 2 loads at time to wash at my parents house once a week. Being on the second floor and the car being several hundred feet away, yeah, my arms were feeling it. This morning I monitored Ellie on the stairs, carried the laundry basket (tall, full size) and a bag of garbage to throw in the dumpster. My arms were on fire! Add to that the grocery factor. Again, several bags loaded with various foods, carried from the car parked in bufu and up the stairs. Mind you having to open three doors in the process. My arms will be strong my the end of our stay for sure! I guess there you have the cross training I should be doing, haha :)

Next up on my strength training is the hills around here. I took my first run around one of the paths that go around my new neighborhood. Holy hills. I'm used to some hills but mostly flat running. Not hill after steep(ish) hill. Plus today I just happened to be running up these hills and into 20mph wind gusts. First mile and a half was much harder than I anticipated! Race is in just 5 days and they are calling for scattered showers. Hoping for a rain free 5k. Some friends are running the 1/2 marathon at the same time, hoping to see some of them cross their finish line!

After this race I want to start working on my distance. I've had a strained ligament in my left shin for a couple of months now. If I run back to back days I can hardly walk. So I give myself a rest day inbetween and its more manageable. Not sure what adding distance will do to it but I have to try. I can run 3 miles now pretty much whenever I set my mind to it. So to keep a goal in front of me I will try to train this summer and attempt a 10K in the fall, regardless of if we move from the area. Races can be anywhere usually. I'm turning 35 pretty soon here so maybe my 5 year goal will be to run a 1/2 marathon but we'll see. Its much more of a time commitment to train for that, will depend on a lot of things, mostly children ( Ellie and potential foster kids), and if I have to start working again.

And the last thing about this time that will make me stronger is in my faith. My faith has gotten me through some really ugly, hard, painful things in the last 4 years, this last year in particular. But this, this waiting, living in limbo, with half our stuff in storage, waiting for the phone to ring... its a heck of a place to be, let me tell you. But God is with us in the waiting. He is teaching me to pray for a church that I don't know know the name of, to have peace in the uncertainty, patience to know that He has a plan for our family, and trust that he has all the details already worked out for us. We know that Eric's information has been submitted to a church in Missouri but also (and more recently) to a church in Minnesota but we don't know anything beyond that.

My heart longs to settle down. To finally have a place to call our own, a home to grow our family, to update/change to our hearts content. All of the places we have lived since we've been married have all been in desperate need of updating. An investment none of our landlords have been willing to make I guess. And I am tired of it. I'm really not high maintenance, I swear. But my kitchens are getting increasingly smaller and the bathrooms and appliances older. Lord let our next move be to our semi-permanent home, please!

Ellie seems to be taking most of this in stride. She is loving that grandma is temporarily out of work and she gets to see her a little more. She is growing bigger and more vocal every day and it is adorable. Currently napping most days and being a stubborn 2 year old. Life is much simpler when your 2.

I know a guy...

About a month ago we found out we could not stay on month-to-month in our current town house and would need to find a short term lease elsewhere to get us through until Eric receives his first call. The days that followed I was in nothing short of a panic. I was obsessively searching through apartment ads, reading reviews of complexes on Yelp (I fear cockroaches and bed bugs!), worrying and stressing about 'tomorrow' even though God tells us not to. Does He not realize that is easier said than done!?

During this panic time we also started praying. I remember praying and telling God exactly what we needed and when we needed it. I remember thanking Him for how he is going to take care of us (cause that's what He promised to do!) and asking Him to help our faith to grow and for patience as His will enfolded in our lives. We have also been speaking to anyone and everyone that will listen to us about our need. It was recommended that we put out our need on the churches social network type site and we did that. I really sometimes wish I could immediately here God's side of our conversations, because I am certain if I could it would have gone something like this:

Me: God, we need a place to live that will be big enough for our family but without a lease to sign because we are praying Eric's call comes soon. Can you help us?
God: Yeah, I already knew this and yeah, I know a guy. I'll give him a call, it will all work out.

Just two days ago, as we were preparing to walk out of church a man approaches us.I was talking to a friend so I missed the first part of the conversation but I'm guessing it was "I heard you were in need of a place to stay. I have a place. Its yours if you want it." No lease, no commitments, 2 BR, 2BA condo in a neighboring suburb with bus access to the train. Near church and running paths and many friends. It costs less than what we are paying now plus half the utilities we are currently paying. We are however losing space. So a good portion of what is currently in the basement will be going to storage plus additional commuting costs for Eric but we should still come out able to save some money in the end.

The biggest relief and answer to prayer is that there is not lease to sign. No penalty if we only end up staying 2 months. Just a hassle to have to move quickly twice in a very short period of time. We assume it will be a short period of time but we don't really know that. We are earnestly praying for the church that will call Eric and we know that this apt is the first piece falling into place for us. Maybe God's side of the conversation is going something like this:

Me: God, thank you for providing this apartment for us lease free. You provided exactly what we needed when we needed it. Thank you! Next we need Eric to receive his call, we are ready when the church is ready. Please guide them and give them wisdom in their decision making.
God: I'm working it on, The church is perfect for you guys, they just need a little more time. Just wait and see.

So we continue to pray, trusting God with the timing and the details. We will move our family to our new place next month and live in limbo (and mostly unpacked) until the time comes to move into what might be our long-term home. Will you continue to pray for our family as are we living in this time of transition and that our faith would grow? Thank you!

Jumping on the crazy train

That's pretty much how I feel right now. Yet oddly, at peace. And I know that comes from God, or I'd be pulling out my hair in a panic by now. Our lease is up at the end of April and our landlord is not letting us stay on until Eric receives his call. He wants to rent it to someone who will sign and stay on for a least a year. He has lost a lot of money with his properties vacant so I understand why he is doing it but I still do wish he would give us through the summer to move. We would hope by then Eric would receive his first call. He will be officially certified in May. We are searching for a month-to-month rental that is still near the train but that is proving difficult to find. The next option would be a 6 month lease somewhere but they typically charge $100 over what they would normally rent it for. Plus we will be paying for a storage unit. There is a church-related option that we hope to find out more about next week but I'm not holding my breath on it. We still have an entire month or so on our current lease. So fretting about it right now won't do any good. We cannot rush the call process. We are praying about it every day and praying for a solution to our living situation. God can and will provide for us. He promises us that! And he tells us not to worry about tomorrow! So why am I worrying about 2 months from now!? And that is why I have peace. Because I can't control anything and I know the One he can and does.

With March 1st right around the corner I want us both (Ellie excluded) to start eating better. With the internship now behind us, Eric has more time to exercise. I already do run 3x a week plus daily stretches, planks, squats, and ab work. But it take more than exercise to reach our goals. Our diets need to change too. If anyone tries to tell you that a gluten free diet is a weight loss fad they are dead wrong. There is so  much bad stuff for you out there there is also gluten free! Now I can't chow down on McD's or other fast food crap but I can and do eat potato chips, chocolate, pop, brownies (made GF), cookies (made GF), and loads of other bad stuff. For me its the baby belly I would like to see go away. The bane of almost every woman's existence. Eric also would like to loose some weight around his middle.

So I've started researching and it makes my head spin. You won't get the results you want unless there is something you are willing to give up. Or if not give up, greatly restrict. Some of the diets out there are just a plain bad idea. Others are just impossible on our budget. I hate tracking numbers for carbs, protein, and calories. Maybe that's just my laziness. I'm also not going to get rid of or replace half the condiments and misc things in my pantry because they contain an ingredient on the "no" list. We already spend a load of money on grocery every month, I can't afford to spend even more to help us meet our goals. It has to be something realistic and doable for us. So I will continue to research and hope we can settle on something. *sigh*

Running post

So this post is just about running. Why? Because I like to talk about running with other people who like to run. I like to talk about distance and pace, treadmill vs road, running races, gear, and goals. I didn't realize when I started all of this I would become so passionate about it. If I have to go several days without a run I feel lazy and sluggish.

I strained a muscle in my left foot on my last outside run and have been struggling with it the last 2 treadmill runs but I'm stubborn and won't rest unless I've really done some kind of damage to myself. As it is, I've not made it worse by continuing to run but the muscles around my shin have been more sore because I'm sure I'm not landing on my foot normally because of it.

I've also had to increase the incline on my treadmill runs because the outside runs have really been kicking my butt. Between the hills and the wind, its easy to get lazy on the controlled environment of the treadmill. So I've gone from 1 incline to varying it between 3.5 and 4. 4 is a little tough so I'm working it in for 5 mins at a time and then taking it back down.  I'm sure that it is also contributing to the recent sore muscles as well.

Ellie has been doing fantastic with my dad as he watches her while I run. The first day or two she was a little hesitant that I left the room. Now its hard to even get her to acknowledge me when I'm done! She has a lot of fun playing with the toys and I know my dad is just thrilled to get to spend some time with her too. When the weather gets nice again, we won't go over there as much so I'm glad they are enjoying their time while they can.

My runs are getting faster! Not by a ton but I ran 3 miles last Saturday (outside) and ended with a time of 33 mins (approx) so roughly 11 min mile. My Turkey Trot time for 5k was 38.25. so I'm already 5 mins faster than my first race! Woot! That 3 miles though was tough. I really had to push for it and I did unfortunately have to take a 1/10 mile walk, I just couldn't breath! And at the end I felt like I was about to puke. Mid-day runs are a lot harder just because there is more food in my body and I'm naturally more tired. I tried to run that morning but it was about 17 deg. I gave up really quick. My nose was running, my eyes were tearing, my face was stinging, and my lungs were aching. By that afternoon it was 40 and sunny so I tried again and finished 3 miles.

Someday I may be inclined to train for a 10k. But right now, the 5k is still a challenge. Once I feel that its getting to easy I will start pushing either my speed or my distance. Still not sure which I would feel a greater sense of accomplishment by. I'm guessing distance. Nothing in me wants to run a half marathon. The 10k is a possibility though, we shall see. My next race is April 24th in my downtown area here.

On my wishlist is a Garmin running watch. I'm not a huge fan of the fitbit as I don't want or need a round the clock activity tracker. I'd just like to run without my phone attached to  my upper arm and still have an accurate record of time and distance and be able to set it for interval training. But they are expensive and we are desperately trying to save money again so we can get a house. It is so hard when all I want to do is just buy stuff :) I keep telling myself its something I want not something I need. And when all is said and done, I want a house more than a running watch!

I just hope when we move there is still some good running trails and a good running store in the area and races to enter in. Hoping to know something soon on that front but all in God's timing.