Maybe not so much blues as simple anxiety. As it stands, we are planning to move out of our comfort zone to begin seminary in summer of 2018.
After 2.5 years of Lay Ministry coursework and finally graduating as a certified lay minister in Spring of this year, Eric still does not have a job. We moved into what was suppose to be short term-lease free housing for a few months before he received his first call. That was now almost 7 months ago. No leads, big or small. Just silence. And an increasing feeling that Eric is not yet done with school. Things in our denomination are a little unsettled and confusing as well. The lay deacons were doing more in their churches then were permitted to do (like preaching with out having gone to seminary) and somehow, lay ministers got lumped in with them. Although lay ministers have more theological training. They are still not permitted to preach or do communion. A great many churches are not even aware that lay ministry exists or that its a called position. Disheartening to say the least.
Seminary is going to be hard. Eric is our sole source of income for our family. We would be starting seminary with a 4 year old and a 1 year old. Student loans will cover on campus housing (known as The Woods). Because Eric already has the lay ministry under his belt, he should qualify for what is known as alternate route. Normally seminary is 2 years on campus, 1 year vicarage (playing pastor, supervised, for a year), and one more year on campus. Alt route would eliminate the final on campus year. He could also be able to do a transferable vicarage, meaning he would become a full pastor at the church where he was a vicar.
Lucky for us, two of our newest pastors at church are fresh from the seminary. One lived on campus, one lived off. Both had children going in and both had more children born during. I get caught up in the money. How are we going to live without an income? Our most recent sermon and small group series at church focused a lot on 1) finding out what it is God is calling you to do 2) stop making excuses why you won't do it 3) trusting that God is going to provide for you, going with you on the journey. Needless to say, it spoke to both Eric and I a lot!
Next week we travel down south to see some of Eric's family (who have not yet met Ellie) for Thanksgiving. We will travel through St. Louis and will have a tour of the campus including food pantry, resale shop, and student housing. We will also be talking with a financial advisor. We plan to have some dinner dates with the two pastors who are fresh from sem about their experiences and how the finances worked out for them. Though its going into a busy season for our pastors so the later may have to wait till after the holidays. I think I will have a little better of an idea how its all going to work once I see the housing, grocery options, etc. The plan would be to sell Eric's truck and use the money for sem expenses but also hopefully be more than halfway done with paying off the car by the start of sem. We would also both be looking for part time work. There will be a lot of compromises, that's for sure.
STL isn't that far from home either. 4 ish hours? We also have 2 sets of friends that recently moved to STL so that is also a bonus. Its just a lot to think about. Right now, my focus has to be getting this baby to term and him being healthy. We have a whole year between his birth and a move to STL and so much can happen during that time. Eric could still even receive a lay ministry call for all we know. Baring that possibility, this is our path. Another new journey as a family of 4. Where this one will take us after STL, Lord only knows.
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Oh Boy, Oh Boy
Well, so I haven't posted in eons. Been a lot going on, not a lot that I've felt sharing. And now I need a distraction from a very stressful World Series game.
Shortly after I ran my first 10K (not a race) we did one last round of IVF, our Hail Mary. And it took. I found out a week later that I was pregnant. Anxiety then took up what seems like permanent residence in my brain. First trimester was rough. Bleeding is not uncommon in the first trimester and it usually doesn't mean anything. But, as we all know, it can also lead to miscarriage. With Ellie and Lexie I had sub-chorianic bleeds (old blood) that caused panic but not a trip to the ER. Both resolved and babies were fine. This pregnancy was different. It wasn't 'old blood'. And of course, it had to have happened on the weekend when my OBs office was closed. So after 2 days of light spotting and one day of heavier bleed, I freaked out and went to the ER. That was at 8 weeks. ER doc, not my favorite. They checked, baby still had heartbeat but that was about all. We were released pretty quick after that but I was definitely shaken. A follow up with the OBs a few days later showed all was well. Pelvic rest for a bit after that. The next weekend, same issue just not as bad. Called into nurses, didn't need to go into the office. Started taking 'rest' more seriously after that. Fast forward 7 weeks and all was pretty quiet. No extra trips to OBs, just counting the weeks to viability.
This last week I had spotting again but it was 'old blood' so I knew nothing to worry about. Called into the nurses got put briefly on rest again. Saw Maternal-Fetal Medicine doctor (MFM) at week 16 (just a few days ago) for baseline cervical length and talk to doctor for the first time this pregnancy. He's a new doctor to our hospital but has been an MFM for some 30 years, we liked him a lot. He took the time to read our history and all the hospital notes from Lexie and really did a good job of breaking through to my brain that still wants to blame myself for what happened. He called it a placenta eruption. They happen frequently, they don't know why, and there is nothing they can do about it. It also means that its not likely to happen again.
We also were able to learn the gender of our little miracle baby at that appointment. This whole pregnancy I've been thinking boy. Next to no morning sickness, no end-of-first trimester week long migraine, extreme fatigue, no leg cramps at night, no food aversions but more cravings, and (TMI) no sex drive (probably more due to anxiety/spotting issues). Every time we asked Ellie if it was a brother or sister, every time she said brother. And we were RIGHT! We are having our first boy! We are very excited and praying hard for a normal and uncomplicated pregnancy.
We are 8 weeks away from viability. We will hit 24 week just a few days before Christmas. Talk about the perfect Christmas gift! I cannot bring myself to buy anything for him until that time. I bought too much for Lexie too early and had to get rid of it all. Not happy times. We have hopefully a solid 3 months after Christmas to get everything we need for him. Ellie is moving to a big girl bed in a few weeks, a lot of items we will borrow from friends not currently in need of their things. We have lots of time yet. I see OB tomorrow and then both OB and MFM just after Thanksgiving for the anatomy scan and to check on the placenta. Which we hope will be in a better place since its low right now.
We are also considering a move again and some pretty significant future plans. But that will wait for the next blog. Probably tuesday night when the series will resume (given they keep the lead they currently have!). This one is long enough!
Shortly after I ran my first 10K (not a race) we did one last round of IVF, our Hail Mary. And it took. I found out a week later that I was pregnant. Anxiety then took up what seems like permanent residence in my brain. First trimester was rough. Bleeding is not uncommon in the first trimester and it usually doesn't mean anything. But, as we all know, it can also lead to miscarriage. With Ellie and Lexie I had sub-chorianic bleeds (old blood) that caused panic but not a trip to the ER. Both resolved and babies were fine. This pregnancy was different. It wasn't 'old blood'. And of course, it had to have happened on the weekend when my OBs office was closed. So after 2 days of light spotting and one day of heavier bleed, I freaked out and went to the ER. That was at 8 weeks. ER doc, not my favorite. They checked, baby still had heartbeat but that was about all. We were released pretty quick after that but I was definitely shaken. A follow up with the OBs a few days later showed all was well. Pelvic rest for a bit after that. The next weekend, same issue just not as bad. Called into nurses, didn't need to go into the office. Started taking 'rest' more seriously after that. Fast forward 7 weeks and all was pretty quiet. No extra trips to OBs, just counting the weeks to viability.
This last week I had spotting again but it was 'old blood' so I knew nothing to worry about. Called into the nurses got put briefly on rest again. Saw Maternal-Fetal Medicine doctor (MFM) at week 16 (just a few days ago) for baseline cervical length and talk to doctor for the first time this pregnancy. He's a new doctor to our hospital but has been an MFM for some 30 years, we liked him a lot. He took the time to read our history and all the hospital notes from Lexie and really did a good job of breaking through to my brain that still wants to blame myself for what happened. He called it a placenta eruption. They happen frequently, they don't know why, and there is nothing they can do about it. It also means that its not likely to happen again.
We also were able to learn the gender of our little miracle baby at that appointment. This whole pregnancy I've been thinking boy. Next to no morning sickness, no end-of-first trimester week long migraine, extreme fatigue, no leg cramps at night, no food aversions but more cravings, and (TMI) no sex drive (probably more due to anxiety/spotting issues). Every time we asked Ellie if it was a brother or sister, every time she said brother. And we were RIGHT! We are having our first boy! We are very excited and praying hard for a normal and uncomplicated pregnancy.
We are 8 weeks away from viability. We will hit 24 week just a few days before Christmas. Talk about the perfect Christmas gift! I cannot bring myself to buy anything for him until that time. I bought too much for Lexie too early and had to get rid of it all. Not happy times. We have hopefully a solid 3 months after Christmas to get everything we need for him. Ellie is moving to a big girl bed in a few weeks, a lot of items we will borrow from friends not currently in need of their things. We have lots of time yet. I see OB tomorrow and then both OB and MFM just after Thanksgiving for the anatomy scan and to check on the placenta. Which we hope will be in a better place since its low right now.
We are also considering a move again and some pretty significant future plans. But that will wait for the next blog. Probably tuesday night when the series will resume (given they keep the lead they currently have!). This one is long enough!
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Ellie's update
Recently Ellie crossed the 2.5 year mark. We were a bit consumed with Lexie's first birthday at the time to give her the update she deserved.
Today was an interesting day with her, to say the least. She really is a pretty happy-go-lucky kid. We went to church and she spent an hour in Sunday School, which she loves. A lot of her friends are there and she gets to color and make stuff and try to sit still for the lesson. The last part is usually a fail. Temporarily, they have all of the 2-5 year olds together so not super age specific for her but that is going to be changing soon the teachers say. When we got home, things started to go downhill. Managed lunch and the nap time didn't happen. Though she stayed in her room for a good 1.5 hours talking and playing continuously, she never did sleep. So she lost grocery shopping privileges. Normally she can be a challenge in the stores. Without a nap, wasn't even going to try it. Plus the inevitable car nap which would have made the cranky that much worse. So she spent the entire afternoon running laps around our condo. This is what you get for having a circular lay out. This girl literally runs around all.day.long. And today without a nap! Managed dinner and she went right back to running. There were a few breaks for playing our new Winnie the Pooh Candy Land game, which she loves. All that activity and it still took over 30 mins to get her into bed. She did have a leftover donut from church after lunch, could that sugar really have caused all of that? Probably not but my word, she was sweating and out of breath from her running. She'll be a runner for sure if she keeps this up!
We've been watching the olympics and she really loves watching gymnastics, running and swimming and mimics the athletes the best she can. She is a hoot to watch.
Ellie loves:
-Her routines. Heaven forbid, we change something, forget something, or add something to the daily routines. Heaven forbid I call one of her stuff animals by the wrong name, I am sternly corrected by the small child.
-Shopping. Doesn't matter where. She loves shopping. Rarely will she sit in the child seat anymore but insists on walking (in small stores like Aldi I allow it) or will sit in the big basket part of the cart. don't even get me started on the toys store
- Giving hugs and making friends. Seriously, a toddler walked onto the playground one day, Ellie made a beeline for her and ran right up and gave her a hug. Instant friends. I find myself apologizing since her outgoingness often scares the more shy kids. She follows older kids around like a little puppy, happy the whole time.
- Swimming. And water in general. Bath time, water tables, fountains at parks, pools. She loves, loves water. Until it gets in her face, then she freaks the freak out. Showers are out of the question. But as long as she is in a floaty thing in the pool, she can move around pretty well on her own and is learning to kick with her feet and move her arms.
-Animals- Animals of all shapes and sizes. Dogs, cats, turtles, frogs, bunnies, birds (truly frustrated when they instantly fly away from her). Big dogs scare her a bit but thats all.
- The letter W. Whose kid's got a favorite letter at age 2? Mine does! And she points it out allllll the time. She can find it on the keyboard and will just write row after row of Ws. She love it when the Cubs win and all the W flags come out. Speaking of flags...
-Flags. She loves finding, pointing out, and counting American flags. Big ones and little ones. And they are everywhere! (just like the Ws)
-Running. As mentioned before. She is like a windup toy that just never stops!
-Baseball. We have a childs soft baseball and bat she she loves me to pitch the ball to her (inside, yikes) and try to hit it. If she does hit it, she runs the bases and is very happy.
-Reading. Not consistently, but when she wants to read a book she ends up bringing me half the books from her bookshelf. Its a nice break from the constant running.
-Writing/Spelling. She can spell Ellie, mommy, and daddy and can type them on the keyboard. She has written an E before but doesn't try it often. She wants lots of words spelled out for her and is starting to identify words.
We are struggling with:
-Potty training. Mostly my fault for not having a consistent schedule and pure laziness on my part. She doesn't like to sit on her potty for very long unless I let her watch TV on it, give her the Ipad or distract her with a game. She totally knows when she is pooping and goes and hides in another room when she is going then promptly tells me "I have poopy, I need change". Thanks kid. I have training underwear borrowed from a friend that we tried this weekend and of course, that did not go well. May just not be time yet. Will keep trying a little bit everyday.
-Defiance. I tell her no, she does it anyway. I spank her diaper, she laughs, I put her in time out and she runs the gleefully. Loss of privilege (like shopping today), toy, or treat works as a good motivator, but not always. Putting her in her room with the door closed she screams like she is terrified I'm not coming back. Mama guilt keeps me from doing that too often.
-Naps. Have been hit or miss lately. Sometimes she goes down like a champ and other times it takes 1.5 hours for her to finally drop off, if she falls asleep at all. She goes through phases like this from time to time.
-Waking up at night. We think we finally narrowed it down to if she doesn't eat a good enough dinner and just has milk before bed, she wakes up and won't go back to sleep unless she is in bed with us.This has been going on off and on for almost 2 months now. Getting less frequent now but still exhausting.
-Playdates. Its just getting harder and harder to see friends. Schedules are so complicated. Kids get sick, moms get busy, the weather doesn't cooperate. always seems to be something. We do see friends maybe once a week but hardly seems like enough.
-Getting dressed/undressed. She can do pants and her diaper but getting a shirt off thats not super loose fitting is hard for her. She freaks the freak out if it gets stuck and her face is covered. Plus she has a big head so that happen a lot.
-Cleaning up. Defiency again. She doesn't like to clean up her toys after she his dumped them. Its a battle of wills to get her to clean it up and some days I just don't have the energy.
So there you have it. I'm not a pinterest mom, I don't have a perfect child. I don't try to portray my life as anything except what it is. So there is Ellie's update :)
Today was an interesting day with her, to say the least. She really is a pretty happy-go-lucky kid. We went to church and she spent an hour in Sunday School, which she loves. A lot of her friends are there and she gets to color and make stuff and try to sit still for the lesson. The last part is usually a fail. Temporarily, they have all of the 2-5 year olds together so not super age specific for her but that is going to be changing soon the teachers say. When we got home, things started to go downhill. Managed lunch and the nap time didn't happen. Though she stayed in her room for a good 1.5 hours talking and playing continuously, she never did sleep. So she lost grocery shopping privileges. Normally she can be a challenge in the stores. Without a nap, wasn't even going to try it. Plus the inevitable car nap which would have made the cranky that much worse. So she spent the entire afternoon running laps around our condo. This is what you get for having a circular lay out. This girl literally runs around all.day.long. And today without a nap! Managed dinner and she went right back to running. There were a few breaks for playing our new Winnie the Pooh Candy Land game, which she loves. All that activity and it still took over 30 mins to get her into bed. She did have a leftover donut from church after lunch, could that sugar really have caused all of that? Probably not but my word, she was sweating and out of breath from her running. She'll be a runner for sure if she keeps this up!
We've been watching the olympics and she really loves watching gymnastics, running and swimming and mimics the athletes the best she can. She is a hoot to watch.
Ellie loves:
-Her routines. Heaven forbid, we change something, forget something, or add something to the daily routines. Heaven forbid I call one of her stuff animals by the wrong name, I am sternly corrected by the small child.
-Shopping. Doesn't matter where. She loves shopping. Rarely will she sit in the child seat anymore but insists on walking (in small stores like Aldi I allow it) or will sit in the big basket part of the cart. don't even get me started on the toys store
- Giving hugs and making friends. Seriously, a toddler walked onto the playground one day, Ellie made a beeline for her and ran right up and gave her a hug. Instant friends. I find myself apologizing since her outgoingness often scares the more shy kids. She follows older kids around like a little puppy, happy the whole time.
- Swimming. And water in general. Bath time, water tables, fountains at parks, pools. She loves, loves water. Until it gets in her face, then she freaks the freak out. Showers are out of the question. But as long as she is in a floaty thing in the pool, she can move around pretty well on her own and is learning to kick with her feet and move her arms.
-Animals- Animals of all shapes and sizes. Dogs, cats, turtles, frogs, bunnies, birds (truly frustrated when they instantly fly away from her). Big dogs scare her a bit but thats all.
- The letter W. Whose kid's got a favorite letter at age 2? Mine does! And she points it out allllll the time. She can find it on the keyboard and will just write row after row of Ws. She love it when the Cubs win and all the W flags come out. Speaking of flags...
-Flags. She loves finding, pointing out, and counting American flags. Big ones and little ones. And they are everywhere! (just like the Ws)
-Running. As mentioned before. She is like a windup toy that just never stops!
-Baseball. We have a childs soft baseball and bat she she loves me to pitch the ball to her (inside, yikes) and try to hit it. If she does hit it, she runs the bases and is very happy.
-Reading. Not consistently, but when she wants to read a book she ends up bringing me half the books from her bookshelf. Its a nice break from the constant running.
-Writing/Spelling. She can spell Ellie, mommy, and daddy and can type them on the keyboard. She has written an E before but doesn't try it often. She wants lots of words spelled out for her and is starting to identify words.
We are struggling with:
-Potty training. Mostly my fault for not having a consistent schedule and pure laziness on my part. She doesn't like to sit on her potty for very long unless I let her watch TV on it, give her the Ipad or distract her with a game. She totally knows when she is pooping and goes and hides in another room when she is going then promptly tells me "I have poopy, I need change". Thanks kid. I have training underwear borrowed from a friend that we tried this weekend and of course, that did not go well. May just not be time yet. Will keep trying a little bit everyday.
-Defiance. I tell her no, she does it anyway. I spank her diaper, she laughs, I put her in time out and she runs the gleefully. Loss of privilege (like shopping today), toy, or treat works as a good motivator, but not always. Putting her in her room with the door closed she screams like she is terrified I'm not coming back. Mama guilt keeps me from doing that too often.
-Naps. Have been hit or miss lately. Sometimes she goes down like a champ and other times it takes 1.5 hours for her to finally drop off, if she falls asleep at all. She goes through phases like this from time to time.
-Waking up at night. We think we finally narrowed it down to if she doesn't eat a good enough dinner and just has milk before bed, she wakes up and won't go back to sleep unless she is in bed with us.This has been going on off and on for almost 2 months now. Getting less frequent now but still exhausting.
-Playdates. Its just getting harder and harder to see friends. Schedules are so complicated. Kids get sick, moms get busy, the weather doesn't cooperate. always seems to be something. We do see friends maybe once a week but hardly seems like enough.
-Getting dressed/undressed. She can do pants and her diaper but getting a shirt off thats not super loose fitting is hard for her. She freaks the freak out if it gets stuck and her face is covered. Plus she has a big head so that happen a lot.
-Cleaning up. Defiency again. She doesn't like to clean up her toys after she his dumped them. Its a battle of wills to get her to clean it up and some days I just don't have the energy.
So there you have it. I'm not a pinterest mom, I don't have a perfect child. I don't try to portray my life as anything except what it is. So there is Ellie's update :)
Sunday, August 7, 2016
1 year
So here we are. 1 year later. August 7th, 2015 Alexandra Faith was born just after 10pm after 8 days of trying to stop my bleeding and labor. We never found out why the bleeding started. And we never will. It just happens. Why it had to happen 2 weeks before she would have reached viability we'll never know. I still blame myself. I shouldn't have taken that walk around the mall when walking distances was always difficult and painful. I shouldn't have moved those not so light highchairs. I should have gone to the ER immediately rather than my OB who told me nothing was wrong and to go home. So I bled all night before I went to the ER in the morning of the next day. But none of that would have changed what happened. None of that caused what happened to happen. It is agony not knowing the "why" and its a work in progress to be ok with that. The first months and holidays were the hardest. Ellie's birthday this year was pretty low key. It doesn't take much to bring the tears. esp today. Had she lived what would her life been like? Would we have ever been able to take her home? Some micro preemies never get to go home but live in hospital like settings their whole lives.
Rather than focus on what could have been, we looked to move on. Always remembering her. In the last year I have trained for and ran two 5k (3.1 mile) races and one 10k (6.2 mile). Eric completed and graduated from his Lay Ministry program and has been actively networking with Lutherans across the country to find a church that needs him. We moved homes, again. We've been enjoying watching our Ellie growing bigger and smarter and sassier. She is well on her way to being a three-nager for sure!
Today we kept it low key. All baby loss families will do something different to honor their lost child. In the future we may do something different than we did today. Today we went to church, had lunch at home, and took a family nap. We went to the store to get some white helium balloons (way more difficult than it should have been! No one at the desk so who do they get to help? A produce guy who had no idea where anything was or how to tie a balloon.) So once we got the balloons it was on to the Arboretum which was packed on this beautiful Sunday afternoon. We traveled on the back road a bit till we found a nice empty field. We took one of our white balloons with us and Ellie helped us release it into the sky. A silent memorial to our baby. We got two balloons so that Ellie could keep one (and not be upset) but also to symbolize that while she is gone from us, she is still with us too. We walked a little bit but were getting eaten alive by mosquitoes so we left to head for dinner. We had dinner out and came home to watch the olympics and wind down from the day.
Lexie's ashes are encased in a glass flower that is on display in our house and also in a Christmas ornament. She is always with us. And she is never far from our thoughts, today nearer than most days. The first time my baby girl opened her eyes she was looking at the face of Jesus. She never knew the pain of living in this world. We miss you Lexie.
Rather than focus on what could have been, we looked to move on. Always remembering her. In the last year I have trained for and ran two 5k (3.1 mile) races and one 10k (6.2 mile). Eric completed and graduated from his Lay Ministry program and has been actively networking with Lutherans across the country to find a church that needs him. We moved homes, again. We've been enjoying watching our Ellie growing bigger and smarter and sassier. She is well on her way to being a three-nager for sure!
Today we kept it low key. All baby loss families will do something different to honor their lost child. In the future we may do something different than we did today. Today we went to church, had lunch at home, and took a family nap. We went to the store to get some white helium balloons (way more difficult than it should have been! No one at the desk so who do they get to help? A produce guy who had no idea where anything was or how to tie a balloon.) So once we got the balloons it was on to the Arboretum which was packed on this beautiful Sunday afternoon. We traveled on the back road a bit till we found a nice empty field. We took one of our white balloons with us and Ellie helped us release it into the sky. A silent memorial to our baby. We got two balloons so that Ellie could keep one (and not be upset) but also to symbolize that while she is gone from us, she is still with us too. We walked a little bit but were getting eaten alive by mosquitoes so we left to head for dinner. We had dinner out and came home to watch the olympics and wind down from the day.
Lexie's ashes are encased in a glass flower that is on display in our house and also in a Christmas ornament. She is always with us. And she is never far from our thoughts, today nearer than most days. The first time my baby girl opened her eyes she was looking at the face of Jesus. She never knew the pain of living in this world. We miss you Lexie.
Sunday, June 19, 2016
training underwear rant
This blog has now had 5555 page views, just thought that was cool enough to mention.
Anyhow, found myself irritated at Target tonight. I'm usually pretty happy about selection and stuff there, its my primary shopping store for a lot of things. We thought we'd finally get Ellie a package of underwear to really start potty training. Slim selection for starters but the shows she really likes, Thomas the Tank Engine, Batman and Superman and snoopy characters, those were only available in boys. The girls consisted of Disney Princess or Frozen or some other cable channel kids show that she doesn't watch. There was exactly 1 package of generic Hanes girls underwear on the display and it was 2 sizes too big. We almost got the mini mouse ones but they were pricey and I was irritated so we left with nothing for her. Now to hunt for something better and not gender bias. If she wants to wear Thomas or Superman underwear why can't she? Why is that marketed only in boys style? What about Thomas the tank engine says that only boys watch that show or that girls don't love super heros too? I'm surprised there wasn't star wars either, but if there had been, probably would have been boys style too.
Rant over.
Anyhow, found myself irritated at Target tonight. I'm usually pretty happy about selection and stuff there, its my primary shopping store for a lot of things. We thought we'd finally get Ellie a package of underwear to really start potty training. Slim selection for starters but the shows she really likes, Thomas the Tank Engine, Batman and Superman and snoopy characters, those were only available in boys. The girls consisted of Disney Princess or Frozen or some other cable channel kids show that she doesn't watch. There was exactly 1 package of generic Hanes girls underwear on the display and it was 2 sizes too big. We almost got the mini mouse ones but they were pricey and I was irritated so we left with nothing for her. Now to hunt for something better and not gender bias. If she wants to wear Thomas or Superman underwear why can't she? Why is that marketed only in boys style? What about Thomas the tank engine says that only boys watch that show or that girls don't love super heros too? I'm surprised there wasn't star wars either, but if there had been, probably would have been boys style too.
Rant over.
Monday, June 6, 2016
Run inspirations and balance
I have a file on my computer just called Run Inspirations. When I need a little boost of encouragement I open up that file and just start reading through. If I'm struggling with some aspect of the run (rain, pain, bad run, discouragement, ect) I google that thing and come up with some more to add to the file. It also helps me to remember that everyone struggles with different things that keep them from their goal. The leg pain has been a bad one for me. I'm seeing my second PT tonight in hopes that they can fix me so I can run when and how I want to. The guy I'm seeing had spoken at a running store clinic and introduced himself by saying "I fix broken runners"so I am looking forward to being fixed :) I've only been running once a week for the last couple of weeks. Filling the other workouts in with elliptical and stationary biking or PiYo. Taking rest days to do laundry or have play dates too.
Work out wise I've felt pretty balanced. But I'm not balanced. And that was evidenced by the fact that Ellie stopped napping again. I may be a runner and thats important but I'm a mama to a 2 year old too. And that two year old needs to run! Even if it is around and around in circles at the playground. I realized that I couldn't remember our last playdate. Or the last time she saw kids outside the daycare at the gym. Mama guilt. Big time. I was putting on my running shoes and Ellie saw me. I told her I was going to go running with friends " Ellie run with friends too?", I think she misses our stroller runs with our friends. So we are going to start working on being more balanced. Usually after a workout we'd get an errand or two done and then head home for lunch, giving her no time to burn off her energy. And making me quite frazzled and exhausted as I try to manage my child through the store without a tantrum. Errands can be done later, park time (as long as its dry) now comes first.
We just got done with a weekend of really bad sleep. She was napping but not sleeping well at night. Be it nightmare, teething (molars), or sleep walking, we didn't get a lot of sleep saturday or Sunday. Whatever it was resolved itself and last night was uneventful. Thank God. This week we have play time scheduled with family and friends so I am hoping for better naps and better nights sleep.
I am getting new shoes at the end of the month as my running shoes may actually be contributing to the shin pain I've had for months now. I've officially registered for my 10k for Aug 21st, currently running 4 miles. Very slowly increasing distance so I do get injured further. Fun stuff.
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Becoming THAT mom
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| Mother's day 2016 |
Anyway! As I watch myself in everyday life I realize I've become THAT mom. My hair is daily in a pony tail because I work out or run in the morning. I'm wearing my work out clothes for most of the day. Jeans are not my friend these days. Nothing fits quite right. I lost some weight but not all the weight on the tummy that I would have liked. Too tight, too loose, too... I don't know, unflattering. And guess what? No money to go out and buy better ones. Goodwill/savers are even pricey and its really hit or miss that I'll find something for my body type there. Huge time suck and with Ellie nearly impossible. So I wear my work out clothes. I go to the grocery store after I work out because I don't want fresh stuff to spoil in the car. I love running or working out with a friend because our kids play together and its motivation to do something other than sit on the couch. I've got a cheap membership to a local fitness center so I can take classes and cross train. I took a PiYo class and was sore for no less than 5 days. And I mean sore. I'm running again but still with a small amount of pain. That 9 day break I took was hard but necessary. I don't want to give up on my body. I'll tread carefully here so I don't offend any friends. I'll never be as I was before pregnancies but I don't like the baby belly. I had 1 1/2 pregnancies and it shows. My diet can be improved, I've just been lazy. After the birthday cake is gone, its back to watching carbs (to a degree) and eating better. And core work, thats important.
I also love to see my girlfriends without my kid around. Coffee dates with old friends, moms nights out with new friends, on rare occasion, date night with my husband. Sometimes when life events are overwhelmingly stressful, I'll treat myself to a bottle of wine (and Eric gets a tub of ice cream, thats our deal). Infertility has finally taken a back seat to the rest of my life. It is a burden I no longer wish to carry with me anymore. Career change, getting a house (rented or bought) and starting foster care - to-adoption is what I like to focus on now. I can't change my infertility, I can change someone else's life.
My little baby is growing up so fast. She runs away from me as fast as she can most of the time. She tries to climb rock walls without assistance, she speaks in full sentences that most people can understand, she eats fairly well and loves seeing her friends. Sometimes I have no idea what she is trying to tell me (seriously "ines" ended up being "oranges") and she subs some wrong sounds in words she used to say correctly. She has zero interest in using the potty though, hoping that changes soon. She is a smart, growing, and amazing little girl. And I am blessed to be her mama.
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