Already There

By: Casting Crowns

"Already There"

From where I'm standing
Lord it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are gonna play out
In a world I can't control

Oh, oh

When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

Oh, oh, oh, oh

From where You're standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life
And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan
When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
I can't wait to enjoy the view
And see how all the pieces fit [x2]

One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
Cause You're already there
You're already there
When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

You are already there

Hopes and Dreams for 2013

I've had some pretty terrible headaches in the last couple of weeks. Basically my stress level has been through the roof and I've been trying to quit drinking coffee (for the third time now in almost 2 years). Stupidly, I was also trying to wear contacts at the same time. Migraine City. Something needed to change. So I started doing yoga again (trying to do at least 3 days a week) for the stress, switched to Green Tea (caffeinated but not as much as coffee), and went to the eye doctor and am actually getting my prescription updated.

My stress level is high for all the reasons you can imagine considering our current situation. The financial burden, the risk factor, the physical toll of medications, and the impending life change. 2013 should be a year filled with all the things we've ever wanted. A child and a home. There is the chance that 2013 will give us neither of those things. Money is the biggest factor and time is not necessarily on our side. In the end, having a child is more important then having a house. And we go forward with those priorities set.

When the headaches start (stress) I take a moment and do as my mother advised. I run bible verses through my mind that remind me to trust in God and pray. My favorite one is from Philippians "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition and with thanksgiving make your requests known to God. And the God of peace, which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus." And another, I think its in Proverbs "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." And then I pray for God's will to be done, I thank God for all that he has already given us and surrender the future to him. And then like magic, the headache is gone.

I hope and pray that all your hopes and dreams for 2013 happen for you and that God richly blesses you. Happy New Year!

Need You Now

Been hearing this song quite a bit lately and finally googled it. This is the kinda song that can speak to so many people in so many ways. It is a reminder to me to constantly cry out to God for help during our trials and it also serves as a reminder that everyone hurts. Everyone struggles. Everyone needs to cry out to God for help, healing, and strength to just keep breathing.

Plumb:
Need You Now (How Many Times) :

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
So, I guess you're tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

Chorus:
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

Chorus

Though I walk, though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

Chorus

I need you now
I need you now

A reflection on the shootings

As I have said multiple times in this blog already, life isn't fair. That statement is true for so many things that happen in this world. Bad things happen to good people, bad things happen to the most innocent of people. The rich get richer and the poor get poor, and so on so forth. This is my lament of the times, of the culture, we currently live in.

People want to blame gun control. People want to blame poor security measures. People want to blame the psycho who did this horrible thing. People want to blame the horrible healthcare system and how the lack of funding for mental health institutions are making it harder for people to get and receive help. People want to blame God, just cause that's the politically correct thing to do. No matter what anyone says or does at this point, nothing is going to bring those people back, give those children their lives back and let them grow up.

So what are we, as a culture, as a nation, suppose to do to prevent things like this tragedy from happening again? I'm sure I'd make big bucks if I had a concrete answer to that question. I'm not a fan of making our schools (or malls, or movies theaters for that matter) into security nightmares like the airports. I won't want my children to someday have to go through a metal scanner and a pat down just to attend class everyday. I hate guns. Period. It doesn't matter too much to me who has them, the good guys or the bad guys, I just wish they didn't exist. I'd take the martial arts any day! It takes a mature and practiced person to take someone down with a martial arts black belt. 20 children would not have died yesterday if there were no guns.

In the end, I think I place my blame on our culture. I'm not following the tragedy that closely (busy weekend) but I know one thing for certain. People, regardless of being introverted or anything else, are relational. And that to me tells me that someone, somewhere, knew this man. Knew that he had a mental problem. Knew he had a gun. Knew he was a ticking time bomb. Maybe it was his mother (I think she was among the dead though), his psychologist, his best friend, a teacher, an ex girlfriend. But someone knew. And someone did nothing to stop it for happening.

There are a lot of crazy people in the world. Most people probably know at least one person that is medicated for a mental condition (or needs to be!), I think it is our duty to keep tabs on them. To love them. To be the person that, if you can't help them/change them, can do the right thing at the right time and make sure they are stopped before the unthinkable happens.

Its time like these that make me shudder at bringing a life into the world. But the Bible tells us that we are not to live in fear. The joy of a family will always overcome the fear of the "what ifs" in life. And being a child of God, I have to believe, have hope, that good overcomes evil. I just hope that the good in someone overcomes the evil in someone else in time to stop the next tragedy.

So close... and yet so far

Are we there yet? I know I must have asked my parents that question a million times on road trips when I was a youngin'. I remember thinking it just took forever to get to the beach and all of 5 mins to drive back home.

I was hoping the holidays would speed time up a little for us. And in a way it has, we are already at the end of November with a packed schedule to look forward to for December. Yet, I find myself bothered by a pretty significant thought. And that's the money. Money, money, money. Eric and I are the best savers and budget crunchers you'll probably ever meet. And God has blessed us both with work and so between the two paychecks and our "voluntary poverty" gifts (yes, we actually ranked pretty high in that in a spiritual gifts test) we have been able to save quite a bit of money away. At the time, we thought it was savings for a house (probably a fixer upper) and then infertility came along. And with it a pretty significant price tag. Yes, we have insurance and yes it does cover a lot. But it doesn't cover everything and we have a high deductible plan besides. So come January, zap, goes our savings.

And yet... this is the season of giving, of being selfless, of being generous financially. And all I can think of is "we need our money, now more than ever." That's not to say that we aren't giving gifts this year (in fact I'm already done with my side :)) but we have scaled back significantly and donations to non-profits will be taking a hit this year too. We are saving up for the best gift anyone can ask for... a family. And more than one friend has reminded us, that once you hold your baby in your arms for the first time, you'll know that it was all worth it.

And then there is the other thought..."what happens if we invest all this money and it still doesn't work"? We are hoping and praying with all our hearts that this will not be the outcome.

I took a count of how many women I know that are pregnant right now. Five. At least 5 that have announced their pregnancies. And for some reason, last night that just made me feel a little sad. But life is what it is. Families work out differently for different people. I have friends that are at the end of their adoption process and are just waiting. I have friends that are just at the beginning of their process. I have friends that are pregnant, friends with kids, friends that are still trying to find "the one." And I appreciate how all of you have reached out to me in the ways that you have. I may not be very good at showing it but you have all touch my heart and I will always remember that and be thankful.

Coping

So its been a little while since I had something I needed to share. Seems like the initial shock of the diagnosis has worn off, a lot of questions have been answered, and a rough plan A and B have been formed. Most days I'm doing pretty well. I am trying to remember to just enjoy today and enjoy the life I have with my husband. Since there is little hope of every conceiving naturally I find myself giving in a little bit more to enjoying a cup of coffee, or a glass of wine, or realizing its not the end of the world if I don't take my vitamins. I do still try to maintain a healthy diet and am actually trying to gain weight. But as hard as it is for most folks to lose weight it is just as hard, if not harder for me to gain weight. But anyway, not really the point. The point is to be healthy and happy and not stressed out and sick.

The holidays are upon us and that is an excellent distraction. I love early Christmas shopping, baking, and decorating. I do not love Christmas music (unless its instrumental)! I am looking forward this year to trying to make a gluten free apple pie as it is my favorite holiday desert. I'd also like to try making cookie cutter cookies and maybe a few new baked goodies too.

The downside to the holidays is the simple fact that I thought I would have a baby by now or at the very least be pregnant with one. When we gather with our families and we see our young nieces and nephew (ok, maybe he's not so little anymore, he is taller then me!) it can be a little sad for me. And it can be awkward too as the family asks to know more about our infertility and plans. And quite frankly, not a whole lot of people need to know the details, even family.

We are also coming up on a season of our friends babies turning 1. Over the next 3 months or so there are at least 4 or 5 birthdays. This is the time I find myself struggling with our circumstances the most. When we are in a group of young families and all of the attention is focused on the little ones. It is just a blaring reminder of what we do not yet have and its hard.

We do have a plan in place that will begin shortly after the new year. And almost simultaneously, begin looking again at buying a house. Despite the season of spending, we are trying like mad to save money away. None of the options presented to us are necessarily affordable and wanting to get a house doesn't help that either. Yes, the house can wait. But we are more than ready for a house! And we are currently renting for the same amount, if not more than, what we would hope our mortgage would be. Long term renting is no longer an option. On the upside (see, I'm trying to be positive), at least we don't need quite as big of a house as we originally thought. Its gonna cost us so much money to have our family, we will probably only have 1 or 2 (Lord willing)!

A song for the hurting

I heard this in the car today and was comforted and encouraged by it. Funny how so many of these songs seem to be written just for me. It serves as a good reminder that everyone hurts (be it in a physical or emotional sense) in some way. And like these lyrics say " You're still the Great and Mighty One We trust You always You're working all things for our good We'll sing your praise" Amen.

Kutless ~ Even If

Songwriters: WOOD, TONY / KRIPPAYNE, SCOTT

 

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come

Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come