familiar pangs

There it is again. The familiar pangs of wanting a home. We made decisions some years ago. We decided building our family was more important then buying a home.  A decision I do not regret. Esp since Eric started school last year, our lives have been in a constant state of limbo. Fast forward to the last year. We have a 1 year old baby who a) makes a lot of noise and b) is easily awakened by a lot of noise. We have had 2 failed attempts at baby #2. I am sick and tired of buying new clothes because I don't fit the old ones. And running out of money besides. And really, when did Goodwill get so bloody expensive? $8 for used jeans?! Ridiculous!

I find myself with the "I want" mantra going through my head. I want a treadmill, maybe even an elliptical. I want space for Eric and I to work out in. I want a nice yard for Ellie to play in and enough room to host our family/friends for a meal. I want another baby and enough room for him/her too. I want Eric to have a job that doesn't mean commuting into the city. I want to put down roots and stop living in limbo. I want to stay near our families but something in me wants to get away from the affluent suburbs for a while. I want Eric to get a job in a Lutheran church that recognizes his gifts and desires and brings him on board. I want to see him finish his course work strong and then take a well deserved break from school. I want to do more date nights and try new things. I want to get into better shape without it breaking the bank. I want Ellie to start taking tumbling classes as soon as she is able. I want to drink coffee and wine whenever I feel like it and not have to worry about it affecting my next cycle.

Ugh, just a bad day. Crappy winter. Limbo-land. Just gets to me some days ya know?

"small" no longer

Its just a size right? I always knew that my slim frame would never be the same after having a child. Long before Ellie came along, I looked with envy at women whose waists just seem to snap back to perfection just months after giving birth. From what I read, its actually a matter of genetics. Which gives me some measure of comfort because I know I can't do much about that roll that remains on my tummy. I have been stuffing myself unto my old jeans for almost a year now and I just can't take it anymore! I'm tired of having to stretch out the denim before wearing it because they shrunk up in the wash, tired of having to suck my gut in to button the button, tired of unbuttoning just so I can sit down with some level of comfort. Its time for a change. And so, armed with a 25% off coupon for target, I bought the next size up jeans. Still a little snug but hundred fold better then my old ones. The next, next size up was way baggy where I didn't need it. So a little snug it is. Still searching for new khakis but that's an even bigger challenge.

My weight has always been a blessing and a curse for me. I have a very high metabolism that has done most of the hard work of burning off the crap I consume. But, never in my life have I weighed enough to donate blood (min is 110 pounds in case you didn't know). To maintain my weight in the past I've had to have a pretty significant amount carbs/protein in my diet. Strange I know, but I like salads, fruit, and vegetables. I like healthy eating. Going gluten free was a huge shock to my system because I suddenly had to find a replacement for bread! Yikes! What a challenge that has been! But going GF has helped me to maintain my weight which is nice. And I know I'm getting better nutrients into my body then I had in a long time previous.

So what to do with the belly roll? I'm hesitant to start an abs cruncher routine because we are hoping to be pregnant with baby #2 in the near future. Why get started on it if I'm going to be growing another baby soon right? But that not an excuse (though I like to use it because I'm hopeful) because I may never get pregnant again. Sad but true. That's just my reality. I'm working on accepting that if it ends up being true. But until we know that (likely by the end of this year) I have started a walking/running regimen. My parents have a treadmill that I can use whenever I want so I've started going over to their house a couple of nights a week after Ellie is in bed and Eric is home and doing 30 mins on it. I started with fast walking like I did while pregnant with Ellie (thankfully without all the potty breaks! LOL!) and just recently started adding in a few mins of running. My dad is a runner. Eric can be a runner when he wants to be. I am not a runner! So why I feel compelled to run is beyond me. I have pretty bad knees and I don't own running shoes. Maybe that's why I'm starting out as slow as I am. Last thing I need is to hurt myself.

And you know what? I feel good! A little sore as expected but I feel rejuvenated. I can't wait for warmer weather so I can take Ellie for walks again. Will the exercise routine change the outcome of our next transfer? I would hope so, but its no guarantee, there can never be a guarantee. Will this routine diminish the belly roll. Not likely. Serious ab work is required and even that may not be very effective. Its in my genes and if I have to buy larger jeans then so be it. Most people reading this probably think I'm crazy because as some like to say "Kim, your so skinny". True. Except for the 5 pounds on my belly. I never, ever thought I'd be the woman who needs to get off that 5 extra pounds. And I guess I'm not. The 5 pounds can stay if they want, I just don't want my belly overhanging my jeans! Wishful thinking perhaps but its motivation to keep on running!

Winter ONEderland!

Ellie's first birthday party was a smashing success! We were able to host it in a room at our church and had a party coordinator which helped everything to go smoothly. We spent a lot of time creating her unique decorations and I have pinterest the thank for some of the ideas. We had many members of our family attend and some of our closest friends. Ellie was an ANGEL and didn't cry once. She was all smiles, tore open her gifts (with help) and face planted into her cake! Here are some of my photos from the day. I have video as well but I took it in HD with my camera and so its too large a file for this blog. Should have taken some with my phone but never thought of it. Anyway, here was our whirlwind of a birthday party :)

Pinterest for these ideas



It took over a month for Eric and I to create this banner. I did the larger cardstock pieces and the ribbon and Eric printed and cut out the letters (with an exacto knife!). "Ellliana" is actually wooden letters that can be re-used in her room or other crafts in the future.

Just chillin' with dad before the guests arrived

She loves balloons!

Somehow I came up with this table decoration myself. "Christmas village" snow, snowflake confetti (found on etsy) and framed 4x6s of Ellie through her first year.

She really liked that balloon and was throwing it to my cousin Sarah.

She had good practice opening gifts at Christmas. She is a bit slow and wants to eat the paper but she did her share of tearing and making a mess

This was our gift to her, a small slide with steps to climb and a basketball hoop and bat with an attached swinging ball.

First veggie tales gifts! Looking forward to Bob the Tomato teaching her bible truths

Her first riding toy! She loves it!

Photo op with her cousin Jae

Eating her pizza but refusing to look at me



A bit of an age gap with these cousins! Damion is 18, Jaelynn is 6, and Ellie is 1. Hard to ever get a picture of them all together!



My camera was out of battery at this point but I thought I had video of her face-planting into the cake. She thought it was way easier to eat the cake with just her mouth then to use her hands anymore. What a mess!



At the end of the day, we are the happiest family ever. Looking forward to the next year with all the changes, challenges, and surprises that are sure to come our way!

She's ONE!

My how time flies. One year ago today I was holding my newborn baby for the very first time. Super Bowl Sunday last year started with a scare. I was 39 weeks pregnant and in the early morning I discovered I was bleeding. I called labor and delivery and was told I had to come in and get checked out. Little did I know that just after the bleeding my water broke and there was already evidence that the baby was in distress. I was admitted to the hospital by 6am, by 1pm, still no labor. So the interventions started, not at all what I wanted but what could I do? Baby wasn't coming. By 12am the next day things really went downhill and at 12:47am on 2/3/14 they delivered, via C-section, my beautiful 9 pound 19'' long baby girl. And she was a handful! But beautiful and most importantly, healthy. 4 days later we brought her home on a 0 degree day and then the REAL fun began.

Ahhh, memory lane. I can only hope and pray that I'm granted the opportunity to  go through it all again someday. This year has been amazing, beautiful, sleep deprived, happy, frustrating, educational, and surprising. Ellie will take up to 4 steps on her own when she so desires to cooperate. She is getting much better at standing. She is working on cutting tooth #7 today. She is eating a lot table food and probably a few things she shouldn't (thanks to Eric!) but is doing well with everything but eggs. We have an appointment to see an allergist next week to find out what is going on with that and see if it is an allergy. She loves giving her stuff animals hugs, loves playing with mom and dad, has switched over to whole milk without a problem, sleeps through the night (finally!) and pretty much goes to sleep pretty easily as long as she is in her bed or in the car. If she is with people she will NOT sleep and sometimes takes just one nap a day if the schedule is off.  Eric has taught her how to kick  and throw a ball and she loves doing it. She loves pounding on her baby piano and blowing on her kazoo. She is an angel to take shopping and I love taking her out just because she makes sooo many people smile. She brings so much joy to the world! She is an amazing, walking, babbling, energetic, little bundle of perfection and I love her so, so much!

Break time

Its been a rough couple of months. Its been a really expensive start to the new year. We've been in a lot of pain that we've tired to hide, both mentally and physically.  We have had two consecutive embryo transfers fail. We have lost 5 of our remaining embryos. 5 little lives that are no more. 8 total embryos have been transferred to my waiting womb... 1 beautiful little girl remains. And yes, she is enough. She will always be enough. We have 6 more little lives that we will try to bring into the world... 6... that's if we don't lose anymore during the thawing process. 3 more attempts to complete our family... 3... if we're lucky.

I do find myself asking God "why?". All the medicine in the world, all the monitoring appointments and blood tests, all the prayers, all the resting and eating right and refusing all caffeine and alcohol, and still nothing. Why? What am I doing wrong? Why don't I deserve to carry another child? There are no answers and there never will be. All we can do is keep doing the best we can... and take a well deserved break.

Ellie is turning one in just 11 days. We have a party to put on! I've been printing pictures for the tables of her first year and nearly every one of them has a great big classic Ellie smile on it. She is a happy, healthy, active little miracle and I love her more everyday if that's even possible.

We will break from treatments till the summer. It is advised to wait 18 months from birth to conception though is not a requirement. I have a friend that got pregnant 3 months after her daughter was born (and she had infertility!), go figure. Financially we need a break. I am looking for part-time childcare or a weekend job to help boost our savings account again. Not all the meds I require are covered by insurance and I have high deductible insurance. Emotionally and physically we need a break from the near constant appointments (ultra sounds, blood draws), the medicines (including painful shots), and the awful 8 day wait to find out if it took or not. A break from getting bad news. A break from thinking about it all the time.  There is a time for everything it is said. And this is a time for us to heal. To just love on the daughter we have. To live our lives and not try to live it around constant appointments.

So... into a bag went all my remaining meds, my vitamins, supplements... out of sight out of mind.
I find that I fell into the same trap I fell into back before we learned about our infertility. Postponing buying clothes because I might be pregnant soon. Declining invitations or ministry opportunities because I might be pregnant. Considering buying a minivan because if we get pregnant it might be twins. And so many other mind games. It gets ridiculous after a while.

I am in the midst of doing several things.

• Starting an Infertility Support Group at our church. A very real need! Our senior pastor and his wife have also struggled with infertility and he is supportive of getting it going, just need to work out a few details, namely a co-leader with no children
• Becoming a table leader for our churches Parents of Preschoolers group
• Buying a small SUV

The Honda Fit we currently drive is a very tight fit with a rear facing car seat. Having a tall husband doesn't help matters. I haven't been able to move my passenger seat back to a comfortable setting since Ellie was born. Her regular stroller takes up nearly 100% of the cargo space in the back and is a tight fit. Time to trade up esp since the car is currently in need of almost $1000 worth of repairs thanks to a dented rim courtesy of whatever we ran over in the road that flatted our tire and a sensor that's gone bad. We are looking at several SUVs today and tomorrow and hope to make a decisions soon. Silver lining on not be pregnant right now, if and when we do have another child, Ellie will be over 2 years old and will be front facing and can sit behind the driver seat without a problem.

Another silver lining... well, kinda... is that we can move into a smaller place in the spring/summer. We really just need 2 bedrooms and a space that can work as Eric's office. We might be able to rent from a friend for a short time but that's iffy depending on if they can afford to buy a house or not. Eric will finish his Lay Ministry program at the end of this year and will be on the official call list starting 2016. Depending on if and when we get pregnant we may be moving away from our friends and family just as a new baby arrives. Big if through.

If we go through the rest of our embryos before the end of the year then we are done. We can't do this again. No money, no time, and pretty soon, no insurance. Once Eric is called to a church and we are in a house then we will begin taking steps to foster-to-adopt our next 1 or 2 children. We will have our family, one way or another. Though it makes me sad to think I will not get to feel another life growing inside of me or be able to have the birth I wanted with Ellie or be able to breast feed another child. Those things are great, they really are, but what we want more then anything is a big family to love and raise to know Jesus and to serve Him.

Renew

It is the eve of a brand new year. My child is on antibiotics and sleeping fitfully in her room. My husband is sicker then sick and is already sound asleep on the couch in a medicated coma. I am fighting a sinus headache, eating gluten free cutter cookies and sipping chamomile tea with honey. I will go to bed shortly to get as much sleep as I can before my sick baby wakes up again.

A new year should fill me with hope. Not this year. We just had a failed transfer that should have resulted in the end of our journey. But it did not produce twins. It did not produce a baby. It utterly failed. And just like that, all the time, money, emotional energy that went into it came up... empty. I go back through it in my mind. What did I do wrong? Didn't I eat well enough? Didn't I get enough sleep (with a 10 month old, fat chance)? Was I too stressed out? Was the massage the wrong move? Should Eric have taken more days off? In the end, there is no answers. The transfer that resulted in Ellie was after a very stressful 6 weeks (family flood) and followed by a 3 day vacation to Michigan. Then I went back to work. After a previous failure, I had little hope that we had conceived. Since Ellie's birth we had a natural pregnancy that ended in an extremely early miscarriage. I had a lot of hope for the December transfer. But it failed.

And with that failure we are looking again at meeting my healthcare deductible which is a lot. So that is the financial angle. We are looking at more medications to be pumped into me, some quite painful. We are looking at more emotional ups and downs as we seek to complete our family. We have maybe 4 more attempts at this and then we are at the end. But that is more chances then some families ever have. And something tells me, my faith will be stretched even further then ever before.

We have infertility. It will never, ever be easy for us to conceive. I may never bear another child. Ellie will truly be our miracle. It will always be hard. It will always be expensive. It will always be emotionally exhausting. In March 2015 I know of no less then 5 babies due. Another in June. I know a handful of mom's who will be trying for baby #2 in 2015. And that is a bit overwhelming to me at times. To conceive at no cost. To conceive basically whenever you want. To be fertile. In all fairness, the twins that are due and one of the babies due in March were IVF, those ladies went through a lot to have their babies. Just like so many, many, many women do. In my mommy group, 2 others struggle with infertility. In my small group bible study, 1 other couple struggles with infertility. I am in good company, these friends understand me. But at the same time, 90% of the other friends don't. Not in the least bit.

We will try again. And again. And again. And when the time comes, we will call it quits and we will look into foster to adopt programs. This is my journey. 2015 you better be a good one...

My so big, little girl

10 1/2 months. This little girl of mine is learning so many new things everyday its hard to keep up.  She can stand by herself for a few seconds if you trick her into doing it. She can identify several of her toys and go get them when you ask her to, like Ball (she is very, very good at catching and returning a ball to us), Happy Hippo, and Cookie Monster (hand puppet). Her sleep habits are finally back to pre-sickness routines, which means waking up once in the night for a bottle then back to sleep till about 6. She mimics sounds very well and we think she is saying "up" and she might be saying the "I see" you part of peek a boo. She can do the "more" sign in sign language when we ask her too but doesn't do it on her own for more food yet. She cries sometimes when someone she likes leaves the room. She does very well when I leave her in the nursery at church to attend a once a month mom's group that meets there. She doesn't like it when someone else has possession of her favorite toy "Happy Hippo" and will wrestle it away from you. She is walking along furniture like a pro and falling down and bumping her head on a regular basis. She doesn't like loud sounds like running the mixer or the blender and will cling to my legs till I stop. She has leaned to open drawers and cabinets and regularly takes out cooking utensils and throws them around the kitchen. The doors have child locks on them now but not the drawers :( She is learning to give hugs and we are trying to teach her to give kisses. She loves bath time and nearly dives in head first while the tub is filling.

All these things make me realize that she is getting so big and she will be a toddler before I know it. But then at other times, she is still so much like a baby. When she gets hurt she just wants to be held. When she is teething, she just wants to cuddle with me. When I give her her nighttime bottle she just falls back asleep on my shoulder as I rock with her.

Several friends have had babies recently and I'm holding these little 8 pound things that barely wake up or move much and I really just can't remember Ellie being that small or that content. I have horror stories about how much my angel cried during those first 6 weeks and how little she would sleep. But I don't remember her being tiny and content. Granted she was born at 9 pounds but lost a pound in the hospital and didn't get back to 9 for a couple of weeks if I remember correctly. Even after all that, we still hope and pray that someday God blesses us with another little miracle to add to our family.

Here are some recent pictures from our holiday festivities.

Just a cute picture of Eric and Ellie

First visit with Santa. No smiles but no crying either.



Bass Pro is awesome and everything there was free including Santa and this carousel

Eric plays the tuba at the Christmas Festival every year and this picture is now a tradition

We could have fit Ellie in the horn but decided against it