Renew

It is the eve of a brand new year. My child is on antibiotics and sleeping fitfully in her room. My husband is sicker then sick and is already sound asleep on the couch in a medicated coma. I am fighting a sinus headache, eating gluten free cutter cookies and sipping chamomile tea with honey. I will go to bed shortly to get as much sleep as I can before my sick baby wakes up again.

A new year should fill me with hope. Not this year. We just had a failed transfer that should have resulted in the end of our journey. But it did not produce twins. It did not produce a baby. It utterly failed. And just like that, all the time, money, emotional energy that went into it came up... empty. I go back through it in my mind. What did I do wrong? Didn't I eat well enough? Didn't I get enough sleep (with a 10 month old, fat chance)? Was I too stressed out? Was the massage the wrong move? Should Eric have taken more days off? In the end, there is no answers. The transfer that resulted in Ellie was after a very stressful 6 weeks (family flood) and followed by a 3 day vacation to Michigan. Then I went back to work. After a previous failure, I had little hope that we had conceived. Since Ellie's birth we had a natural pregnancy that ended in an extremely early miscarriage. I had a lot of hope for the December transfer. But it failed.

And with that failure we are looking again at meeting my healthcare deductible which is a lot. So that is the financial angle. We are looking at more medications to be pumped into me, some quite painful. We are looking at more emotional ups and downs as we seek to complete our family. We have maybe 4 more attempts at this and then we are at the end. But that is more chances then some families ever have. And something tells me, my faith will be stretched even further then ever before.

We have infertility. It will never, ever be easy for us to conceive. I may never bear another child. Ellie will truly be our miracle. It will always be hard. It will always be expensive. It will always be emotionally exhausting. In March 2015 I know of no less then 5 babies due. Another in June. I know a handful of mom's who will be trying for baby #2 in 2015. And that is a bit overwhelming to me at times. To conceive at no cost. To conceive basically whenever you want. To be fertile. In all fairness, the twins that are due and one of the babies due in March were IVF, those ladies went through a lot to have their babies. Just like so many, many, many women do. In my mommy group, 2 others struggle with infertility. In my small group bible study, 1 other couple struggles with infertility. I am in good company, these friends understand me. But at the same time, 90% of the other friends don't. Not in the least bit.

We will try again. And again. And again. And when the time comes, we will call it quits and we will look into foster to adopt programs. This is my journey. 2015 you better be a good one...