The post 24 weeks in the making

I've had 24 weeks to think about what I wanted to say in this blog post. To somehow capture all of my hopes, dreams, anxieties, and paranoia into these words. I've kept the news of our rainbow pregnancy off of Facebook. I just wasn't ready for the news to be shared to the ends of the earth (literally, hi friends!). Most people understand that. Simply put, losing Alexandra at 23.1 weeks has changed the way I think about pregnancy. Mine or anyone elses. With all the marvels of medical science, they were still not able to stop my labor or save my baby.

Every milestone we've reached thus far, the joy was always tempered by the thought "we aren't safe yet, only x amount of weeks to go. Then I can breathe." Some women count down to their due dates. I've been counting down to Viability. I say the V word to some people and I get a blank look. For women with totally normal, uncomplicated pregnancies, viability is not a word that ever gets tossed around. Its not a part of their world. I never heard the word during Ellie's pregnancy. I heard it with Lexie when a pregnanct friend mentioned she had passed viability and then not again until 22 weeks, when I went into extremely preterm labor.  2 weeks ago, I passed the gestational age that I started bleeding with Lexie. Last Saturday I passed the gestational age at which she was born. Today I celebrate a different kind of V-day. Viability Day. If something were to go wrong, and we pray daily that it doesn't, our boy could be delivered and the doctors would move heaven and earth to save him.

Viability does not mean my anxiety disappears. Nor my paranoia. What it does mean, is that I will take a little bit deeper of a breath. Every day past viability is a blessing. He will be bigger and stronger and will spend less and less time in the NICU. There is nothing to say that I won't carry to term. If I make 37 or more weeks, Praise the Lord! Ellie was born at 39 weeks and weighed 9#.

Local friends obviously know that I am pregnant. I'm quite big and not trying to hide it. I have gained 20 pounds already! I am looking forward to having conversations about this pregnancy that don't include the count down to viability. And the explanations that have to go with that statement. We have so many amazing family and friends who lift our family up in prayer, praying for a healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy. I don't know where I would be without their constant encouragement to help battle my anxiety.

More distant FB friends may or may not have observed I haven't posted any pictures of myself recently (head shots or carefully hidden waist up pictures only). Even our professional pictures we intentionally hid my stomach behind Ellie for the most part. Paranoia. I also have not posted anything about running since I completed my 10K in July. My embryo transfer was done less then 2 weeks later. I haven't done a lick of exercise, beside short walks, since July. Paranoia. I may slowly try to start more regular walks since we are past V-day. Will depend on how my body handles it. Maybe some yoga if I can get motivated to do it.

I've already been experiencing  pretty bad sciatic nerve pain. Some days I can hardly walk. I may have some physical therapy done to help that if it gets worse. I am seeing both a new OB and the Maternal-Fetal Medicine doctors (MFM). They are watching closely for any sign of complication. There was one earlier on but it resolved itself.  V-Day is simply the best Christmas present we could ask for, But it also has stolen some of the joy of the season for me. The snow and ice and sub zero temps have had me tied to the house a lot. I can only shop so long before my back starts killing me. Just doing crafts with Ellie has been a challenge if I'm bending over too much.

Amazingly, I know 5 other women who are pregnant with me and are due between January and June. It has been fun, yet filled with fear and anxiety, to go through our pregnancies together. So many babies! I will start collecting (borrowing for the most part) baby items for our little boy now. In my grief I sold or gave away all of our baby equipment. Borrowing is better so I can just give stuff back when he has outgrown it. I have steadfastly refused to buy anything for him until now because of things I bought and then had to sell for Lexie. The whole 'don't put the cart before the horse' thing I guess. I've really been trying to just take one day at a time and not make assumptions about this pregnancy. Unfortunately that is part of my PTSD. The majority of pregnant women I know don't think this way about their pregnancies. I try to be optimistic I do, but realistic as well. I know too dang much about all the things that can go wrong. I hope and pray this does not rub my friends the wrong way or cause them to be less than optimistic about their pregnancies. This is my burden to bear, no one elses.

Ellie has been doing very well with the progressing pregnancy. It helps a lot that one of her best little buddies recently had his baby sister born. The whole time my friend was pregnant (and big) we talked to Ellie about how that was her friends little sister inside that tummy, just like her little brother was inside mine. She also knew before we did that we were having a boy. Every time we asked her if it was a baby brother or sister, she said "brother". On occasion should would say puppy though, haha. It absolutely melts my heart when she gives him a hug or kiss, sings to him, or talks to him. She freaked out scared a little bit the first time she felt him kick but has gotten a little better. I told her that her brother would be coming out around Easter time. That sent her into a whole conversation with him about Easter baskets and picking up Easter eggs at church. She has also told him he would play candy land with her and ball. She asks me often if he is kicking me. This seems to concern her.

We talk about Lexie but not to the point where it would be psychologically difficult for her. We have Lexie Bear (stuffed animal), Lexie's ornaments, The A for Alexandra on my mothers necklace too. We have told her (I think) that Lexie was her sister. But we don't tell her that she was born too early or that she died. Because, to me, a two year old has no ability to understand something like that. I don't want her to be confused or be scared for her little brother. I'm scared enough for the both of us. When she is older we will talk about her more, when she can understand (and I'm not pregnant anymore obviously).

I haven't talked to the doctors too much about a birth plan for him since I feel so much of labor is actually outside of my control at this point. All I really care about this time is getting him out and alive and healthy. So many things can come up that mess with my plan anyway, just like it did with Ellie. Early labor, big baby, bleeding, not progressing, water breaking without labor starting, ect, ect. We invested a lot of time and money preparing for a natural birth with Ellie but it never happened. Its just not that important to me this time. I did briefly touch on the subject with the last doctor I saw and she said that if all goes well and there are no complications and I go into labor naturally I can do whatever I want. They will not force another csection but neither will they induce me. The earliest they will schedule the csection is 39 weeks. Which is about 10 days before Easter.

I see both my OB and my MFM next week, MFM will do an echo cardio graph thingy on the baby's heart. Standard for an IVF pregnancy. Then I'll see MFM at the beginning of the 3rd tri for a growth ultrasound.

Feel free to read back a few entries of this blog to see some of my thoughts pre-viability. I'll post a bit more on FB now too. This was a long and rambling entry but it was important to me to raise awareness about pregnancy after a loss like ours and what it does to a woman (or a couple ) psychologically. How it changes you. I hope it helps you to understand me a little better, to pray for me (us) better, to be a little more sensitive to those with infertility and/or infant loss. I call him my rainbow baby because he is our hope after a disaster. No he isn't a promise that everything is going to be ok from here on out. From the ashes rises something beautiful.

 Isaiah 61:3 "To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory." (Calm down folks if your up in arms about context. It fits)

20 week ultrasound

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24 week bump 

excited big sister!

Arkansas Road Trip

If there is one thing this family does not do ( or at least does not do well) is travel. But Eric and I have been long, long overdue for a change of pace and were in need of a vacation. So we started playing with the idea of taking the 2 1/2 year old down to see Eric's side of the family. We hadn't made the trip to see them in over 4 years. So we started talking about going down for Thanksgiving. So happened that my brother in law and family were thinking about it too.

So, because of the toddler and my pregnancy we decided to break the trip into two parts. We stayed in St Louis with friends on the way down and back. We also visited the Seminary briefly. It all worked out really well, even saw some high school friends of mine on the way down too. Ellie had a BLAST with friends and her cousins (Eric's cousins kids). She was the youngest of the bunch (the oldester being 13) but she didn't care. The one closest to her in age was a 5 year old. Aunt Jan lives in several acres and has all sorts of outside toys to play with, even has neighbors with horses to visit and pet. Now pictures

Car break, found a nice park to run around in so Ellie could burn energy and I could stretch

First stop to visit a high school friend and his family, Ellie made a new friend

First St Louis stop to visit old church friends that had moved away several years ago and just recently moved to STL. Ellie made more friends :)

Pretty view out the chapel window at Seminary

This is a prayer that Eric's grandmother Gradberg wrote that his Aunt has held onto all these years. I love it so  much, I've asked Eric to remake it and frame it for me for Christmas.

We visited the Little Rock Zoo our first day there with some of Eric's family. It was so nice to be so close to the animals! Plus the zoo was basically empty do to morning rain and it being the day before Thanksgiving. 

Ellie got up close and personal with a grizzly

She was obsessed with putting her face in every face in the hole she saw. I've created a monster! She is a cute monster though so all is well.

Helping Aunt Jan in the kitchen

This golf cart was such a huge hit with both adults and children. They had a 4 wheeler that I chose not to ride on. Wheather was on the cool side but still in th 60s for the most part.

Played two nights of Rummy Royal, a Gradberg traditional party game. Similar to poker but more involved. Its fun!

Downtown Little Rock, not really a lot to do there.

Aunt Jan made a Thanksgiving Olympics complete with  medals. The kids ran a "triathalon", did a balance game, and a sorting game. Kids had a blast!

Last stop before we got home was to stay with more friends in STL. We didn't have a lot of time with them but enjoyed catching up and getting a good nights sleep. I was sick the ENTIRE vacation and between that and Ellie getting up at night, a solid nights sleep was amazing.

Pre-Sem Blues

Maybe not so much blues as simple anxiety. As it stands, we are planning to move out of our comfort zone to begin seminary in summer of 2018.

After 2.5 years of Lay Ministry coursework and finally graduating as a certified lay minister in Spring of this year, Eric still does not have a job. We moved into what was suppose to be short term-lease free housing for a few months before he received his first call. That was now almost 7 months ago. No leads, big or small. Just silence. And an increasing feeling that Eric is not yet done with school. Things in our denomination are a little unsettled and confusing as well. The lay deacons were doing more in their churches then were permitted to do (like preaching with out having gone to seminary) and somehow, lay ministers got lumped in with them. Although lay ministers have more theological training. They are still not permitted to preach or do communion. A great many churches are not even aware that lay ministry exists or that its a called position. Disheartening to say the least.

Seminary is going to be hard. Eric is our sole source of income for our family. We would be starting seminary with a 4 year old and a 1 year old. Student loans will cover on campus housing (known as The Woods). Because Eric already has the lay ministry under his belt, he should qualify for what is known as alternate route. Normally seminary is 2 years on campus, 1 year vicarage (playing pastor, supervised, for a year), and one more year on campus. Alt route would eliminate the final on campus year. He could also be able to do a transferable vicarage, meaning he would become a full pastor at the church where he was a vicar.

Lucky for us, two of our newest pastors at church are fresh from the seminary. One lived on campus, one lived off. Both had children going in and both had more children born during. I get caught up in the money. How are we going to live without an income? Our most recent sermon and small group series at church focused a lot on 1) finding out what it is God is calling you to do 2) stop making excuses why you won't do it 3) trusting that God is going to provide for you, going with you on the journey. Needless to say, it spoke to both Eric and I a lot!

Next week we travel down south to see some of Eric's family (who have not yet met Ellie) for Thanksgiving. We will travel through St. Louis and will have a tour of the campus including food pantry, resale shop, and student housing. We will also be talking with a financial advisor. We plan to have some dinner dates with the two pastors who are fresh from sem about their experiences and how the finances worked out for them. Though its going into a busy season for our pastors so the later may have to wait till after the holidays. I think I will have a little better of an idea how its all going to work once I see the housing, grocery options, etc. The plan would be to sell Eric's truck and use the money for sem expenses but also hopefully be more than halfway done with paying off the car by the start of sem. We would also both be looking for part time work. There will be a lot of compromises, that's for sure.

STL isn't that far from home either. 4 ish hours?  We also have 2 sets of friends that recently moved to STL so that is also a bonus. Its just a lot to think about. Right now, my focus has to be getting this baby to term and him being healthy. We have a whole year between his birth and a move to STL and so  much can happen during that time. Eric could still even receive a lay ministry call for all we know. Baring that possibility, this is our path. Another new journey as a family of 4. Where this one will take us after STL, Lord only knows.

Oh Boy, Oh Boy

Well, so I haven't posted in eons. Been a lot going on, not a lot that I've felt sharing. And now I need a distraction from a very stressful World Series game.

Shortly after I ran my first 10K (not a race) we did one last round of IVF, our Hail Mary. And it took. I found out a week later that I was pregnant. Anxiety then took up what seems like permanent residence in my brain. First trimester was rough. Bleeding is not uncommon in the first trimester and it usually doesn't mean anything. But, as we all know, it can also lead to miscarriage. With Ellie and Lexie I had sub-chorianic bleeds (old blood) that caused panic but not a trip to the ER. Both resolved and babies were fine. This pregnancy was different. It wasn't 'old blood'. And of course, it had to have happened on the weekend when my OBs office was closed. So after 2 days of light spotting and one day of heavier bleed, I freaked out and went to the ER. That was at 8 weeks. ER doc, not my favorite. They checked, baby still had heartbeat but that was about all. We were released pretty quick after that but I was definitely shaken. A follow up with the OBs a few days later showed all was well. Pelvic rest for a bit after that. The next weekend, same issue just not as bad. Called into nurses, didn't need to go into the office. Started taking 'rest' more seriously after that. Fast forward 7 weeks and all was pretty quiet. No extra trips to OBs, just counting the weeks to viability.

This last week I had spotting again but it was 'old blood' so I knew nothing to worry about. Called into the nurses got put briefly on rest again. Saw Maternal-Fetal Medicine doctor (MFM) at week 16 (just a few days ago) for baseline cervical length and talk to doctor for the first time this pregnancy. He's a new doctor to our hospital but has been an MFM for some 30 years, we liked him a lot. He took the time to read our history and all the hospital notes from Lexie and really did a good job of breaking through to my brain that still wants to blame myself for what happened. He called it a placenta eruption. They happen frequently, they don't know why, and there is nothing they can do about it. It also means that its not likely to happen again.

We also were able to learn the gender of our little miracle baby at that appointment. This whole pregnancy I've been thinking boy. Next to no morning sickness, no end-of-first trimester week long migraine, extreme fatigue, no leg cramps at night, no food aversions but more cravings, and (TMI) no sex drive (probably more due to anxiety/spotting issues). Every time we asked Ellie if it was a brother or sister, every time she said brother. And we were RIGHT! We are having our first boy! We are very excited and praying hard for a normal and uncomplicated pregnancy.

We are 8 weeks away from viability. We will hit 24 week just a few days before Christmas. Talk about the perfect Christmas gift! I cannot bring myself to buy anything for him until that time. I bought too much for Lexie too early and had to get rid of it all. Not happy times. We have hopefully a solid 3 months after Christmas to get everything we need for him. Ellie is moving to a big girl bed in a few weeks, a lot of items we will borrow from friends not currently in need of their things. We have lots of time yet. I see OB tomorrow and then both OB and MFM just after Thanksgiving for the anatomy scan and to check on the placenta. Which we hope will be in a better place since its low right now.

We are also considering a move again and some pretty significant future plans. But that will wait for the next blog. Probably tuesday night when the series will resume (given they keep the lead they currently have!). This one is long enough!

Ellie's update

Recently Ellie crossed the 2.5 year mark. We were a bit consumed with Lexie's first birthday at the time to give her the update she deserved.

Today was an interesting day with her, to say the least. She really is a pretty happy-go-lucky kid. We went to church and she spent an hour in Sunday School, which she loves. A lot of her friends are there and she gets to color and make stuff  and try to sit still for the lesson. The last part is usually a fail. Temporarily, they have all of the 2-5 year olds together so not super age specific for her but that is going to be changing soon the teachers say.  When we got home, things started to go downhill. Managed lunch and the nap time didn't happen. Though she stayed in her room for a good 1.5 hours talking and playing continuously, she never did sleep. So she lost grocery shopping privileges. Normally she can be a challenge in the stores. Without a nap, wasn't even going to try it. Plus the inevitable car nap which would have made the cranky that much worse. So she spent the entire afternoon running laps around our condo. This is what you get for having a circular lay out. This girl literally runs around all.day.long. And today without a nap! Managed dinner and she went right back to running. There were a few breaks for playing our new Winnie the Pooh Candy Land game, which she loves. All that activity and it still took over 30 mins to get her into bed. She did have a leftover donut from church after lunch, could that sugar really have caused all of that? Probably not but my word, she was sweating and out of breath from her running. She'll be a runner for sure if she keeps this up!

We've been watching the olympics and she really loves watching gymnastics, running and swimming and mimics the athletes the best she can. She is a hoot to watch.

Ellie loves:
-Her routines. Heaven forbid, we change something, forget something, or add something to the daily routines. Heaven forbid I call one of her stuff animals by the wrong name, I am sternly corrected by the small child.
-Shopping. Doesn't matter where. She loves shopping. Rarely will she sit in the child seat anymore but insists on walking (in small stores like Aldi I allow it) or will sit in the big basket part of the cart. don't even get me started on the toys store
- Giving hugs and making friends. Seriously, a toddler walked onto the playground one day, Ellie made a beeline for her and ran right up and gave her a hug. Instant friends. I find myself apologizing since her outgoingness often scares the more shy kids. She follows older kids around like a little puppy, happy the whole time.
- Swimming. And water in general. Bath time, water tables, fountains at parks, pools. She loves, loves water. Until it gets in her face, then she freaks the freak out. Showers are out of the question. But as long as she is in a floaty thing in the pool, she can move around pretty well on her own and is learning to kick with her feet and move her arms.
-Animals- Animals of all shapes and sizes. Dogs, cats, turtles, frogs, bunnies, birds (truly frustrated when they instantly fly away from her). Big dogs scare her a bit but thats all.
- The letter W. Whose kid's got a favorite letter at age 2? Mine does! And she points it out allllll the time. She can find it on the keyboard and will just write row after row of Ws. She love it when the Cubs win and all the W flags come out. Speaking of flags...
-Flags. She loves finding, pointing out, and counting American flags. Big ones and little ones. And they are everywhere! (just like the Ws)
-Running. As mentioned before. She is like a windup toy that just never stops!
-Baseball. We have a childs soft baseball and bat she she loves me to pitch the ball to her (inside, yikes) and try to hit it. If she does hit it, she runs the bases and is very happy.
-Reading. Not consistently, but when she wants to read a book she ends up bringing me half the books from her bookshelf. Its a nice break from the constant running.
-Writing/Spelling. She can spell Ellie, mommy, and daddy and can type them on the keyboard. She has written an E before but doesn't try it often. She wants lots of words spelled out for her and is starting to identify words.

We are struggling with:
-Potty training. Mostly my fault for not having a consistent schedule and pure laziness on my part. She doesn't like to sit on her potty for very long unless I let her watch TV on it, give her the Ipad or distract her with a game. She totally knows when she is pooping and goes and hides in another room when she is going then promptly tells me "I have poopy, I need change". Thanks kid. I have training underwear borrowed from a friend that we tried this weekend and of course, that did not go well. May just not be time yet. Will keep trying a little bit everyday.
-Defiance. I tell her no, she does it anyway. I spank her diaper, she laughs, I put her in time out and she runs the gleefully. Loss of privilege (like shopping today), toy, or treat works as a good motivator, but not always. Putting her in her room with the door closed she screams like she is terrified I'm not coming back. Mama guilt keeps me from doing that too often.
-Naps. Have been hit or miss lately. Sometimes she goes down like a champ and other times it takes 1.5 hours for her to finally drop off, if she falls asleep at all. She goes through phases like this from time to time.
-Waking up at night. We think we finally narrowed it down to if she doesn't eat a good enough dinner and just has milk before bed, she wakes up and won't go back to sleep unless she is in bed with us.This has been going on off and on for almost 2 months now. Getting less frequent now but still exhausting.
-Playdates. Its just getting harder and harder to see friends. Schedules are so complicated. Kids get sick, moms get busy, the weather doesn't cooperate. always seems to be something. We do see friends maybe once a week but hardly seems like enough.
-Getting dressed/undressed. She can do pants and her diaper but getting a shirt off thats not super loose fitting is hard for her. She freaks the freak out if it gets stuck and her face is covered. Plus she has a big head so that happen a lot.
-Cleaning up. Defiency again. She doesn't like to clean up her toys after she his dumped them. Its a battle of wills to get her to clean it up and some days I just don't have the energy.

So there you have it. I'm not a pinterest mom, I don't have a perfect child. I don't try to portray my life as anything except what it is. So there is Ellie's update :)

1 year

So here we are. 1 year later. August 7th, 2015 Alexandra Faith was born just after 10pm after 8 days of trying to stop my bleeding and labor. We never found out why the bleeding started. And we never will. It just happens. Why it had to happen 2 weeks before she would have reached viability we'll never know. I still blame myself. I shouldn't have taken that walk around the mall when walking distances was always difficult and painful. I shouldn't have moved those not so light highchairs. I should have gone to the ER immediately rather than my OB who told me nothing was wrong and to go home. So I bled all night before I went to the ER in the morning of the next day. But none of that would have changed what happened. None of that caused what happened to happen. It is agony not knowing the "why" and its a work in progress to be ok with that. The first months and holidays were the hardest. Ellie's birthday this year was pretty low key. It doesn't take much to bring the tears. esp today. Had she lived what would her life been like? Would we have ever been able to take her home? Some micro preemies never get to go home but live in hospital like settings their whole lives.

Rather than focus on what could have been, we looked to move on. Always remembering her. In the last year I have trained for and ran two 5k (3.1 mile) races and one 10k (6.2 mile). Eric completed and graduated from his Lay Ministry program and has been actively networking with Lutherans across the country to find a church that needs him. We moved homes, again. We've been enjoying watching our Ellie growing bigger and smarter and sassier. She is well on her way to being a three-nager for sure!

Today we kept it low key. All baby loss families will do something different to honor their lost child. In the future we may do something different than we did today. Today we went to church, had lunch at home, and took a family nap. We went to the store to get some white helium balloons (way more difficult than it should have been! No one at the desk so who do they get to help? A produce guy who had no idea where anything was or how to tie a balloon.) So once we got the balloons it was on to the Arboretum which was packed on this beautiful Sunday afternoon. We traveled on the back road a bit till we found a nice empty field. We took one of our white balloons with us and Ellie helped us release it into the sky. A silent memorial to our baby. We got two balloons so that Ellie could keep one (and not be upset) but also to symbolize that while she is gone from us, she is still with us too. We walked a little bit but were getting eaten alive by mosquitoes so we left to head for dinner. We had dinner out and came home to watch the olympics and wind down from the day.

Lexie's ashes are encased in a glass flower that is on display in our house and also in a Christmas ornament. She is always with us. And she is never far from our thoughts, today nearer than most days. The first time my baby girl opened her eyes she was looking at the face of Jesus. She never knew the pain of living in this world. We miss you Lexie.

training underwear rant

This blog has now had 5555 page views, just thought that was cool enough to mention.

Anyhow, found myself irritated at Target tonight. I'm usually pretty happy about selection and stuff there, its my primary shopping store for a lot of things. We thought we'd finally get Ellie a package of underwear to really start potty training. Slim selection for starters but the shows she really likes, Thomas the Tank Engine, Batman and Superman and snoopy characters, those were only available in boys. The girls consisted of Disney Princess or Frozen or some other cable channel kids show that she doesn't watch. There was exactly 1 package of generic Hanes girls underwear on the display and it was 2 sizes too big. We almost got the mini mouse ones but they were pricey and I was irritated so we left with nothing for her. Now to hunt for something better and not gender bias. If she wants to wear Thomas or Superman underwear why can't she? Why is that marketed only in boys style? What about Thomas the tank engine says that only boys watch that show or that girls don't love super heros too? I'm surprised there wasn't star wars either, but if there had been, probably would have been boys style too.

Rant over.