Joy and Peace

The bible talks a lot about joy and peace. I think sometimes, we mistake those things for happiness. The bible makes a lot of promises. But it never promises us that we will be happy. I think happy is a bi-product of those things and a great many people are genuinely happy. But a lot of people are also genuinely depressed. Even if they do all the things that they are suppose to do, sadness remains. Peace and Joy are sensations/feelings that I believe can only come from God. I, like many others, have a lot of turmoil in my heart. Infertility, the loss of my daughter, family conflicts, anxiety about the future, just to name a few. Only Jesus can bring peace to that. He is the only one big enough to handle me. Me in all my beautiful dysfunction. While I am praying lately, one concept keeps coming to mind. Because Jesus died for me, paying the penalty for my sins, God sees me as perfect. All he sees is his beautiful creation. Jesus did that for me. And God looks at me through the lens of Jesus. And I am perfect. There is peace in that. I've got a lot of work to do in my mind and heart. But knowing that I am a forgiven child of God is a good place to start.

In other news, as of Dec 26th I was still running outside! 40 degrees is about my limit though so I'm usually on the treadmill 2-3 days a week. I prefer outdoors tho. I'm signed up for a 3 mile fun run on Saturday but it will be below freezing so I doubt I'm going to go to it. Plus, I'm having a hard time actually running 3 miles. I know I can since I did it on Thanksgiving but my per mile average is getting better (I'm faster) but now I'm struggling to get past 2.3 miles on any given day. With our next transfer in sight now I'm not forcing my body to much. If the transfer fails, it will be a different story and I'll be back to training for a spring 5K to better my time.

Christmas this year was good. Lot of family, lots of good food, lots of gifts. I wanted to start doing some traditions this year since Ellie is old enough to participate. Here are the highlights:

Our annual family picture in front of the christmas tree at church

A living room full of balloons at grandma's house, been doing this since I was a little kid

Christmas eve homemade pizza, another family tradition

My mother had an ornament made for Lexie, it is perfect

Christmas Day blueberry pancakes (that were suppose to be star wars shaped, oops, didn't work out very well!)

Christmas morning was so beautiful we went for a family walk to the park

Ellie was a great helper in passing out gifts this year

She helped her grandpa build the fire this year, dutifully handing him all the smaller sticks and listened to him talk

So there is a snapshot of our Christmas. We look to 2016 with a lot of questions on our plate. Will we have another child? Will Eric receive his call? Where will it take us? Will we finally be able to buy a house? Will I need to start working again? So many questions, so few answers. Time will tell. Praying for peace and joy for 2016!

FB break

I'm always on the verge of getting rid of my Facebook. So many of its features just annoy me. And studies have now shown that FB can actually make you depressed. I do find that I am constantly feeling jealous/envious of my friends because they have cute baby announcements (jealous of the baby and the creativity) or because they are ridiculously good at photography or they are pintrest craft stars and I suck at crafting or any number of things. But FB is a lifeline for me. It keeps me in the loop of friends far away, I have two great infertility support groups that are FB based and they help keep me sane. I genuinely care for those ladies even though I've not met 99.9% of them.

However, with the new year approaching... I've felt this gnawing feeling inside me that something needs to change. I am a struggling mother of an almost 2 year old. I spend way to much time on FB, its an addiction for me and its not healthy. I spend more time on FB than I do trying to keep my home looking presentable. And clutter/mess is a stressor for me, esp my tiny kitchen. I hate doing dishes (and not everything gets appropriately cleaned in the dishwasher) and so pots and pans get piled up to the point where I cannot makes the next meal because a) there is no room  and b) I have to wash half the dishes just to dirty them again to prep the meal.

So my theme for this year is "re", not 'regarding' be 're' as in re-focus, re-prioritize, re-energize. This year has been god-awful. I think everyone would pretty much agree with that. 2016 is a re-do. We are planning out 7th and final embryo transfer. I will prioritize my daughter which  means turning off facebook, shutting down the computer, focusing on her development, making sure she knows she is the most important thing in the world to me. To be fully present in the everyday.

I also need to re-focus on my relationship with Christ. We have many changes coming to us in 2016. The career change is going to change almost every aspect of our lives. My devotional time has pretty much been non-existent for years. That needs to change. Life is too hard to try to go through it on my own strength. I need Jesus more than ever before. My friends and family desperately need my prayers.I am ashamed at how many times I've told people I would pray for them and I never did. My mind is just so busy with stuff. Stupid stuff, worries, plans, etc. At the end of the day I am so mentally exhausted that all I want to do is go to sleep, so I do. So prayer and quiet time need to happen at the beginning of the day, not the middle (too busy) or the end. Today was day 1. They say it takes 30 days to make a habit. 30 days of getting up before the sun and before my daughter wakes up just seems cruel. Esp because I can't drink coffee (yet)! But Jesus gave up so much more for me, I can give up a little sleep for him.

Anything but normal

Our struggle with infertility has become normal. I wouldn't say that it defines me. But it is a part of me. It always will be. Alexandra will always be a part of our family. Even though Ellie proudly says "Daddy, mommy, Ellie" a hundred times a day. That is her family as she knows it. As she gets older, we will tell her about her little sister, but telling her now about her little sister who died isn't going to accomplish anything but confusion. Ellie LOVES kids. Older kids, kids her size and age, and even little babies. She hears a baby crying in the store and automatically says "baby cry" and I tell her the baby is sad so sometimes she'll say "baby sad". Ellie would have been a phenomenal big sister, and someday she may still be.

In a few short weeks, we will be staring down our very last embryo transfer. I never believed, when we started out on this journey in 2012, that we would be down to our last two embryos. We had so many! Even with the very best reproductive science on our side, it is still a 50/50 chance that any of those little embryos, invisible to the naked eye, will become a baby with a beating heart. We did not choose to have any genetic testing done on the embryos. We would never willingly choose to throw life away if the results didn't come back as "perfect". That may be why so many didn't implant or survive the thaw from frozen. But in the end, God is the author and sustainer of life and he controls life and death, not science, not doctors.

So I find myself stuck on a decision. Do we let all the family and friends know the date of the transfer? The date of the blood test to see if it took? Do we let everyone know as soon as we have a positive? Or after we see a heart beat? At week 12 (normal announcement time)? At week 24 (viability)? Do we keep names a secret still? Nothing about a pregnancy with me is ever going to be normal again. If we do achieve pregnancy again, from the very start I will be monitored by OB or MFM every two weeks for the first 12 weeks and then weekly after that. MFM did give permission for the last two embryos to be transferred. He reviewed our history with transfers of 2 and not a single one of them every resulted in viable twins. He also re-confirmed that there was no obvious medical reason for our pre-term labor. There is no reason to believe, if I become pregnant again, that we would have a miscarriage or another pre-term labor. Obviously, I would still be closely monitored anyway.

I want to believe that I will become pregnant again. To believe that Ellie will have a biological sibling. To have another chance at a full term pregnancy and be able to bring home another little baby to share our lives with. But I know the odds. I know our history. And that makes it so very, very hard to believe its still possible. I want to move on from this chapter in our lives but I cannot abandon our last two babies. I have to give them a chance. Odds my ass, if these last two are part of God's plan for our family then He will make it happen. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is "...  I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:24. God help me...

Remembrance Service

Every year the hospital's grief share program holds a non-denominational church service at the church directly outside the hospital to remember the babies that were lost. Some lost their babies several years ago, some like us, still very much feel like it is an open wound on our hearts. Not that time makes the pain any less for those families, I didn't mean it to sound like that. They say it does get better but I suppose that time frame will be different for each individual.

I was going to be all prepared going to this thing, made sure Ellie had a late nap so she wouldn't be over tired, made sure we got there in plenty of time, had books and crackers to keep her occupied, etc. Well, that blew up in my face. I guess we were suppose to bring an ornament to hang on a tree after we lit her "candle" (not a real flame or candle). They had some extras so we didn't miss out on that part. We wrote her name on a card to be read out loud and took our seats with the borrowed ornament.

Ellie wanted no part of sitting still! All that nap did for her was give her 10x more energy than she normally would have at 7pm. There was a choir that did some nice songs before everything started, a poem to our lost ones was read, a prayer said. Then they started calling the names off the cards. Some just a name, others with a little message to their angel. Ours just said her full name as I wasn't aware I could have written anything else. Looking around that room and knowing every single family there had a baby die, was very overwhelming. The sweet names and the families that made their way to the front to the candles and the tree. Many with their lost babies older/younger siblings in tow. I started crying almost right away and by the time I was heading to the front for our turn it was pretty much a lost cause. Eric had been chasing Ellie around the foyer trying to keep her under control and was totally exhausted from the effort. He had to run with her to the front to get there in time to do the candle and the ornament. Ellie was beyond out of control so we gathered our things and left. We missed the "open mic" part where families could come up and say a few words. I would have liked to be there for that part. But Ellie was being very distracting for everyone. So we headed out.

Note to self: don't take Ellie out to anything at 7 o'clock at night! Geez, just can't win with that child! I love her dearly, more and more everyday, but the terrible two's have arrived early and she tries my patience something terrible.

Next up Christmas! And it promises to be a fun one with Ellie being 100% interactive. And a challenging one for the same reasons :) We will see Santa soon, we are reading Christmas books, and loving the Christmas trees and lights everywhere. We are loving the warm weather this December has brought us and I'm still able to run outside (without Ellie) some days. The warmth will not last but I am enjoying it while I can! I continue to run on the treadmills at my parents house (Ellie has quality time with Grandpa) and at the Y as I am trying to increase my running speed by the spring.

Finishing my first 5K

I was often asked before I ran this race what my goal was. My answer was always the same. My goal was to finish it! But to be fair, I also wanted to run the whole thing without walking breaks. Before race day, I had never run more than 34 mins. Before race day, I had never run better than a 12 min and whatever-second mile. I also didn't want to come in dead last, but considering there were people signed up to walk the whole thing, I figured that wouldn't be an issue!

As many of my friends know, I started running just a few weeks after we lost our daughter at 23 weeks. Just one week shy of viability. It was, and continues to be, the worst and hardest thing that has every happened to me. Running gave me an outlet for my anger, frustration, grief, and sadness. It helped me to fight depression and gave me a reason to get off the couch and get on with my life and take care of the daughter I do have. It helped some with my pregnancy weight that I wanted gone but the scale remains unchanged since I now have more muscle in my legs. There were many things that stood between me and my goal such as knee pain, physical therapy, a sinus infection, and another a failed transfer. But with God's help I was able to take the absolute worst thing that has every happened to me and turned it into one of my greatest accomplishments! I ran the race with Lexie's necklace charm laced into my shoes. I ran for her. I ran for Ellie. I ran for me! 

But I know I didn't do it alone. I had amazing support from my husband, great friends, and an incredible coach that led my class through a local running store. I'm pretty stubborn and when I say I'm going to do something, come hell or high water, I'm going to do it! I'll be honest, there were times I was ready to quit. The pain was too much, the weather to cold, the distance to long, never believing I would be able to make it. And then one day I had been struggling through the 8 min training intervals, still not running a mile. I took almost a week off because I had been sick. Then I set out to do that weeks run time. 28 mins flat. And I did it! No one was more surprised than me! It was only then that I started to believe I could really do it. My legs still hurt a lot of the time but its not my knees. Usually the flexer muscles at the top of my quads or the sides right above knee. But its getting better. 

My official race time was 38.25 minutes. My mile average 12.22. I crossed the finish line with my arms held up in victory. And it felt so good! We were incredibly fortunate to have 50 degree weather with clouds but no rain during the race, made the run easy and fun!

A dear friend and a great encourager on my running journey ran the race with me though she could have totally run ahead of me at a faster pace. She stayed with me, kept me talking, encouraging me, and kept me distracted to take my mind off the run. She was also taking pictures of me the whole time! So here are a few of my very first Turkey Trot 5K :)

For Lexie

At the beginning, waiting with almost 7 thousand other people to begin the race. What a madhouse it was!

Last leg!

Victory!

With so many people Eric was not able to see my cross the finish line but I knew they were there somewhere!

Dear thing one and thing two

Dear thing one and thing two,
Pretty soon you will be awakened from your frozen coma. You are the very last of your kind, so you have to be strong! Its up to you to keep this family growing and we are almost out of time. Your siblings before you tried so very hard, but they went to be with Jesus before we could meet them. Your big sister wants to meet you very badly! And your mommy and daddy love you so very much. We have tried so hard, for so long, and honestly little babies, we are tired. We are ready to give up just not.quite.yet. We believe in miracles and we pray for them every day. We believe that God is the author and sustainer of life and we leave you in his hands. "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven" is what we pray and let it be. Your mommy is very nervous and your daddy too, but if you both develop little beating hearts we will be so very glad. We hope to meet you when the right time comes little ones. Until then, be strong little ones and as your daddy would say "May the force be with you".

Love your mommy

Running the mile

I remember vividly being in 4th or 5th grade and being sent outside the run "The Mile" for gym class. I even remember it was suppose to be 4 laps around the perimeter of the schools property. I also remember not being able to breathe and a bad cramp in my side and walking a lot. I remember a boy named Joey who ran his laps like it was his second nature. It sounds silly but that memory has haunted me every since. "The Mile", how does anyone even do that? Even last week as I was running my 8 min intervals I didn't believe I was ever going to conquer "The Mile". Had I stayed in school and not been homeschooled, the mile would have probably become a regular part of my school year, and I wouldn't have had it looming over me my whole life.

Yesterday, after talking almost a week off from running due to some complications, I set my timer for this weeks running goal: 28 mins running. No breaks for walking. I set my mapmyrun app and off I went at a comfortable jog (solo, no Ellie). My app told me I had run a mile in 12 minutes! I acknowledged that and kept running. I'd figured I'd run until my legs gave out, I wasn't going to cave in to take a walk break. Before I knew it, I was nearing the two mile mark. So, 12 plus 12 is 24. I only had 4 mins left to run so I pressed on. When my timer went off, I checked my gps. I had run 2.35 miles without stopping! The walk home was agony. My word, my legs were so tired and sore!

So not only did I defeat "The Mile", as Eric says, I blew it out of the water! This is huge for me! Granted I still have to reach 3.1 miles to run on Thanksgiving but this was a huge step for me. Very excited!