A song for the hurting

I heard this in the car today and was comforted and encouraged by it. Funny how so many of these songs seem to be written just for me. It serves as a good reminder that everyone hurts (be it in a physical or emotional sense) in some way. And like these lyrics say " You're still the Great and Mighty One We trust You always You're working all things for our good We'll sing your praise" Amen.

Kutless ~ Even If

Songwriters: WOOD, TONY / KRIPPAYNE, SCOTT

 

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come

Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come

Get A Grip

Sometimes a long commute is a blessing in disguise. I drive about 40 min each way to work everyday, fortunately (or not, depending on how I want to look at it on any given day) I start work at 7am and leave around 3pm so I miss the bulk of rush hour both ways. So I get a lot of alone time in the car and I've found it to be the perfect time to sort through my thoughts, pray, listen to christian music, even cry sometimes. Often times, a song comes on the radio that speaks straight to my heart (I know, I sound like a KLOVE commercial) and I sing it at the top of my lungs or just let its message penetrate deep down into my hurt and fear.

The last two weeks have been hard, filled with decisions, prayers, realizing every morning that I wake up that my life will never be the same again. I can't go back and un-know what I know. My husband is fond of saying "...and now we know. And knowing is half the battle" (GI Joe, believe it or not). That is true, I suppose. Knowing takes a lot of the questions of the equation, a lot of the anxiety, but unfortunately it also takes out a lot of the hope that I had.

In the absence of these things, a new feeling has emerged, one that I've been having a hard time putting a label on. During my daily commute I've mulled over this feeling trying to figure it out. And when its name came to me I tried to convince myself that it was wrong, it couldn't be what I thought it was. And its name is "Shame." This is how the dictionary defines shame (noun):

• the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another: She was overcome with shame.
• susceptibility to this feeling
• disgrace; ignominy
• a fact or circumstance bringing disgrace or regret 

So with that definition, I suppose that I am feeling shame. I know our situation is not my fault, I know its not anyone else's fault. It just is. It is why I have been unable to share openly with a great number of people, it is why I want to run and hide, it is why this reality is so hard for me to accept. The thought of those who have suffered abuse in their lives come to mind. And the shame they (may) feel about themselves because of what had been done to them. I know its not the same thing, but its the best parallel I could draw. Something inside of us has been abused by unseen forces and its made us different. So I find myself in unfamiliar emotional territory. She was overcome with shame. I need to get a grip on these feelings. My commute everyday gives me a lot of time alone with God to sort it out. And I will, in time. "God is my refuge and my strength. My everlasting help in trouble." (paraphrased, too tired to look it up). G'night all.

Fall Apart

By Josh Wilson:

Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know you when my life was good
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give You praise

Now it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand
We've got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You

And it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that
Has ever happened to me

My whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when
You will find me when I fall apart

Life changing news

We have all, at some point in our lives, received news that drastically changed our lives forever. Maybe for you it was a medical diagnosis of a food/diet related problem (allergies, high blood pressure/cholesterol, etc). Or maybe it was something more severe like finding out you or someone you loved had cancer or a mental or physical disability. Regardless, the news is difficult to absorb. Change is hard.

The first thing that I can remember that drastically changed my life was the discovery of my food intolerances. I was about 15 when I learned I was lactose intolerant. That really wasn't so bad. It was easy enough to fix by taking an over the counter enzyme before a meal or snack. In May of 2011, a friend recommend I try a gluten free diet to try to get to the root cause of my near constant fatigue and headaches and stomach upsets. 6 weeks later, I tried to eat something contain gluten and found myself in more pain then I could have ever imagined possible. It took almost 2 weeks to return to "normal" and I've never intentionally ingested gluten/wheat since.

Going gluten free is good for my body, bad for my psyche. I suddenly felt alone and different. Not many people understood why I couldn't eat the pizza at the pizza party or anything on the desert table at a potluck, etc. I couldn't join in with the crowd. So I tried to explain to people what was going on and it seemed to help a little. But I missed some of my favorite foods. I still do. I had to learn how to cook, I mean really cook. From scratch. And believe me, there were a lot of failures! But over time, I have learned, I have adjusted to this new lifestyle and actually feel almost normal most days. And most importantly, healthy!

This past week Eric and I received the worst news of our lives thus far. Its taken me a while to process it, to be able to write about it. And in some ways I still can't share the details with you. We have officially been diagnosed with infertility. We have a very slim chance at conceiving naturally and carrying a baby to term. This broke my heart in ways I didn't even know it could break. I feel that every moment of my life has been building up to this, starting my family. And now that seems to have been taken away from me. I do not have words to describe what this week has been like for us. I've been doing the only thing I can do: praying, researching options, and talking to friends that have been down this road before me. We are seeing our doctor for our second consultation this week and we hope to have a rough idea of what our next steps will be. There may be 2-3 options, all of which are invasive and expensive.

So once again, I feel very different from the crowd. If it were not for a few friends of mine, I would feel very alone indeed. And in case you were wondering, there has been no link found between Celiac disease/gluten intolerance and infertility. Through all of this, I still know one thing for sure. God is still God. He is still in control. He still has a plan. May His will be done.

Is there more to life?

The first time I asked myself that question was around the year 2005. I was working in a professional office as a receptionist/administrative assistant. I remember feeling unfulfilled and bored. I remember thinking, there has to be more to life than answering phones, filing papers, and helping the rich get richer. That was when I decided to stop running from my calling as a missionary and started the process of becoming one!

From Oct 2007-Dec 2009 I lived in Bolivia serving God's children in two orphanages there. And the answer to the question "is there more to life?" was undeniably "yes." Those two years were at the same time my hardest and my best. They were filled with ups and downs and friends and homesickness and hard, hard decisions. One of the decisions was the one I made when it was time to come home. When it become obvious on my 2nd furlough that my family needed me in many ways, I spent a lot of time praying and seeking wise council about what I should do. And in the end, there was a definite difference of opinion on what I should do. Part of being a missionary is being separated from loved ones and missing important life events. Now, I never minded missing weddings and birthdays and such. However, when my grandmother became ill and we knew, as strong as she was, that she wasn't going to bounce back from this like she did so many times before; that I had to be there for her and for my family. So in a moment, I decided that I was going home. I arrived home just before Christmas of that year. I met Eric about 6 weeks later. Somehow, all of this was part of God's plan for me.

It has occurred to me that some of you that I have invited to read this blog may have very strong opinions on the right and wrong way to conceive a child. No one has said anything negative to me but I know there are opinions about the subject matter of infertility and treatments because I have had those same exact opinions in the past. Up until the last year or so, I felt that infertility was a message from God that you were suppose to adopt. I believed that in undergoing treatments the doctors were in essence "playing God." I believed that, given enough time, it would still happen naturally (the way God intended and in His time).

All of that said, you can see why I have not shared with a lot of you the struggle of the last 18 months. Because, in many ways I feel like a hypocrite. Getting to the point of allowing medical intervention in trying to conceive did not come easy for me. All I can really say is that you never know what its like until your going through something like infertility yourself. It changes everything. So I once again find myself asking the question "is there more to life" than getting pregnant and starting a family? I suppose the answer is still "yes" but right now, I haven't gotten to the place were I can move past it to see what lies beyond. Somehow, even this process is part of God's plan for my life.

When life isn't fair

I wrote a nice long entry. Then I deleted it. Because it was the most self-centered thing I've ever read. Yes, I want to pout sometimes, rant and rave about the unfairness and injustices in the world and how much I deplore reality TV shows. There are two things I don't want to see come out of this experience with infertility and that is bitterness and resentment. I wish the world was a different place. A place where everyone that gets pregnant is pregnant because they want to be. A place where it doesn't cost a small fortune to adopt a child. A place where no child was ever hungry, neglected, or abused.

I want to come out on the other side of this experience stronger in my faith, closer to my husband, more full of grace and love than I have ever been before.

I want to believe in the power of God and the power of medicine. I want to have hope and not have it crushed every month. I want to be healthy and happy and realize that every day is a gift. I have to believe that God does have a reason for putting us through this season in our lives.

I just wish...that it could be easier.

The best verse in the whole Bible is this one:
Proverbs 13:12 " Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
The next best one:
I Cor. 2:9 " No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."

A mile in my shoes

This will be my first blog post since I returned from my time in Bolivia in 2009. Bolivia was a faith stretching experience, one I will never forget. My blog was a place to easily communicate with my friends, family, and supporters. And now the Bolivia chapter of my life is closed and a new one has begun.

Now I am on a different faith journey. One I never thought I would be on. A journey that until this very morning,  I felt was too personal, too private to share with the world. But in hiding this part of my life I have discovered that I am holding friends at arms length. Not letting very many people inside because I am afraid of being hurt by unintentional insensitivity. But I have decided that relationships are worth the risk, honesty and openness is always going to do more good then harm.

I invite you to join me and walk a mile in my shoes. Eric and I have been struggling with infertility for 18 months. So long that I no long could the months, just the milestones. We waited a year as the doctors instructed us and when we were unable to conceive they began running their tests. Tests, tests, and more tests. Waiting forever. Watching the bills pile up. Watching friends and family begin and add to their families, seemingly with ease. Always wanting to know the answer to the question "why us?" and never getting a answer. Getting angry at God and then being humbled by his love and faithfulness. Feeling broken. Feeling out of place in a group of friends. Freezing up at the sight of a new born baby. Crying myself to sleep at night when that day had just been too hard. Giving our infertility over to God again, and again, and again.

Right now we are just beginning treatments for infertility. We still have more questions then answers, so please don't ask too many. I tend to get frustrated when bombarded with questions that I myself am looking for the answers to. No major issue has yet surfaced, there is no "simple" problem or solution at this point in our journey. In some ways, this journey is stretching my faith more than Bolivia ever did. As God's will unfolds in our lives, please pray that we have peace and wisdom. There are a great many decisions that will need to be made over the coming months and years. Pray for strength.

I write this not because most of you will understand. Some of you already do. I'm writing this to share my life with you in hopes that it will help to build up my relationship with you and also help to educate some of you on this great big thing called infertility. Welcome to my world.