A mile in my shoes

This will be my first blog post since I returned from my time in Bolivia in 2009. Bolivia was a faith stretching experience, one I will never forget. My blog was a place to easily communicate with my friends, family, and supporters. And now the Bolivia chapter of my life is closed and a new one has begun.

Now I am on a different faith journey. One I never thought I would be on. A journey that until this very morning,  I felt was too personal, too private to share with the world. But in hiding this part of my life I have discovered that I am holding friends at arms length. Not letting very many people inside because I am afraid of being hurt by unintentional insensitivity. But I have decided that relationships are worth the risk, honesty and openness is always going to do more good then harm.

I invite you to join me and walk a mile in my shoes. Eric and I have been struggling with infertility for 18 months. So long that I no long could the months, just the milestones. We waited a year as the doctors instructed us and when we were unable to conceive they began running their tests. Tests, tests, and more tests. Waiting forever. Watching the bills pile up. Watching friends and family begin and add to their families, seemingly with ease. Always wanting to know the answer to the question "why us?" and never getting a answer. Getting angry at God and then being humbled by his love and faithfulness. Feeling broken. Feeling out of place in a group of friends. Freezing up at the sight of a new born baby. Crying myself to sleep at night when that day had just been too hard. Giving our infertility over to God again, and again, and again.

Right now we are just beginning treatments for infertility. We still have more questions then answers, so please don't ask too many. I tend to get frustrated when bombarded with questions that I myself am looking for the answers to. No major issue has yet surfaced, there is no "simple" problem or solution at this point in our journey. In some ways, this journey is stretching my faith more than Bolivia ever did. As God's will unfolds in our lives, please pray that we have peace and wisdom. There are a great many decisions that will need to be made over the coming months and years. Pray for strength.

I write this not because most of you will understand. Some of you already do. I'm writing this to share my life with you in hopes that it will help to build up my relationship with you and also help to educate some of you on this great big thing called infertility. Welcome to my world.