I have been adamantly against reality shows for as long as I can remember. Give me a good crime drama (my favorites are the NCISs) or a funny sitcom (by funny I mean Big Bang Theory) any day. But not everything I watch is fiction these days. I love watching Mythbusters, Outrageous Acts of Science, River Monsters, and just found What on Earth. I loved watching Dirty Jobs when it was still on (we don't get CNN anymore so I can't see the new Mike Rowe show) and when I can I liked to watch American Ninja Warrior. And sadly, I tune into Wheel of Fortune. That was it.
I don't watch 19 and counting, teen mom, 16 and pregnant, American idol, survivor, amazing race, or duck dynasty. Or an of the other 100 other silly reality shows that now clutter up my tv listings.
Until now. Now I find myself hooked on The Voice. I always kinda tuned into the blind auditions because I thought it was cool that the judges were really listening to the voice and not caring about what the person looked like or how they dressed. But after that I never followed it because didn't want the "reality show drama" crap. But my treadmill running led me to watch some of the show after the blind auditions. The hosts interactions/drama gets kinda old but I really, really like how they are always encouraging and only offer constructive criticism when needed. And the singers are good. The back stories are kind interesting but not necessary, the guest mentors are kind of fun to see too. Watching established musicians help out the next generation just makes me smile. Corny I know. But soon the "live" shows will start and I think the general public gets to vote. Do I care who wins? Not really. Is it going to start to really annoy me? Probably. But for now I am enjoying the talent and set my DVR to record so I can fast forward commercials. Love my DVR.
Sadly, I know reality shows are the future of TV because they are cheap to produce. There will come a day (possibly in the not to distant future) where we will no longer be able to afford cable. And I'll be ok with that. My tv watching is mostly restricted to when Ellie is in bed for the night. She is so noisy that watching even recorded tv during the day is very difficult. But more and more often I find myself wondering if my time would be better spent doing something other then watching tv at night. I need to exercise, I like to have game nights with Eric, I should read books instead. But sometimes, after a long day of dealing with a baby who is quickly becoming a toddler, the tv is the only thing I want. I just need more balance I think, and all will be fine.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Friday, March 6, 2015
Bucket List
So today has been a less then typical Friday. Today was one of Eric's Fridays off which isn't so unusual but I had the honor of babysitting a friends son while she went to a doctor appt. He's a good kid, almost 18 months, but Ellie likes him a little too much! And he is so scared of her, its hard not to laugh at him. Ellie likes to shriek and take toys other kids are playing with (trying to break her of that!) and poor little guy just ran to the other side of the house and cried big ol' crocodile tears. Until Eric came to his rescue. Ellie finally took her morning nap and he and I were able to play in peace. Shortly after his mom returned, Ellie woke up and he went right back to his crying and running. Someday he will learn to not be afraid of girls :)
Ellie is getting pretty good with her walking now and even runs pretty well when she wants to. Her nap times are fluctuating a lot but she doesn't seem ready to move to the one nap schedule yet. She has also been getting up at 5:30 every morning, which makes me sad and tired. She is usually content to just play in her crib and babble till I go get her at 6. Lord help us when she learns to climb, then we'll really be in trouble! She has also taken to rejecting most of her veggies that she used to gobble right up. But she is loving eating cheese in pretty much any form, pasta, and whatever cracker or puffs we have on hand to give her. Still not a fan of meat but I'm told that's pretty normal and that it will change in time.
Working out is still going pretty well. I'm up to 10 mins running ( 5 mins at time) and 20 walking. Just bought some running shoes to see if it helps with knee/back pain. When I'm not on the treadmill I'm doing various P90X dvds that we have. The stretching one and the yoga one are both really good. The others are, well, X means extreme, and that they are. They are hard. And exhausting. And you really feel it the next day. But it means your doing something good for your body. And this body has been basically mush for the last 2 years. Getting it back in shape is going to take some time and a lot of work. But I'm determined to do it!
So my bucket list. I decided that I was finally going to actually write mine down since I do forget it sometimes. Some of it I will probably be able to do, some of it will just always be a dream. Either way, its a growing list but this is what I have right now:
1. Visit a real castle, maybe a real big one overseas or something
2. Vacation to Maui
3. Go scuba diving
4. Earn my black belt in Tae Kwon Do
5. Lasik Eye Correction
A note on the TKD. I took TKD when I was in my early/mid twenties. I made it to purple belt which is just one belt away from blue which is halfway to black, when I started thinking about Bolivia. It was around that time also that I broke a bone in my foot when I landed wrong after a kick. I loved TKD! I loved how toned it made me, how flexible I was and advancing through the belts really made it feel like I was improving and accomplishing something. I could even break a 1in board with my hand or my foot. But... if I ever go back to it it will be in a different dojo. A problem with a lot of these smaller gyms is that 1) they are belt factories. Every time you test to advance to the next level you pay a fee. If you do and show up for test day, you get your belt. Sometimes when its wasn't really earned. 2) The "adult" classes start at about 13 years old. So someone like me, who was in my mid-twenties at the time and was kinda taking it seriously, was in classes with young kids who where going to quit after 2 belts cause they didn't care about it. On the other end of the age spectrum, there were some much older adults in my class and one in particular had been there for 10 odd years advancing through the belts. And I watched them give him a black belt when he was neither physically fit nor flexible and would likely get his butt kicked in a fight. 3) TKD take a lot of time and a lot of money if your want to do it right. But finding the right dojo is the first step and I'm years away from even thinking about starting it up again. And I'd have to start at the very beginning, which is ok. Long note but most people don't know that about me :)
Ellie is getting pretty good with her walking now and even runs pretty well when she wants to. Her nap times are fluctuating a lot but she doesn't seem ready to move to the one nap schedule yet. She has also been getting up at 5:30 every morning, which makes me sad and tired. She is usually content to just play in her crib and babble till I go get her at 6. Lord help us when she learns to climb, then we'll really be in trouble! She has also taken to rejecting most of her veggies that she used to gobble right up. But she is loving eating cheese in pretty much any form, pasta, and whatever cracker or puffs we have on hand to give her. Still not a fan of meat but I'm told that's pretty normal and that it will change in time.
Working out is still going pretty well. I'm up to 10 mins running ( 5 mins at time) and 20 walking. Just bought some running shoes to see if it helps with knee/back pain. When I'm not on the treadmill I'm doing various P90X dvds that we have. The stretching one and the yoga one are both really good. The others are, well, X means extreme, and that they are. They are hard. And exhausting. And you really feel it the next day. But it means your doing something good for your body. And this body has been basically mush for the last 2 years. Getting it back in shape is going to take some time and a lot of work. But I'm determined to do it!
So my bucket list. I decided that I was finally going to actually write mine down since I do forget it sometimes. Some of it I will probably be able to do, some of it will just always be a dream. Either way, its a growing list but this is what I have right now:
1. Visit a real castle, maybe a real big one overseas or something
2. Vacation to Maui
3. Go scuba diving
4. Earn my black belt in Tae Kwon Do
5. Lasik Eye Correction
A note on the TKD. I took TKD when I was in my early/mid twenties. I made it to purple belt which is just one belt away from blue which is halfway to black, when I started thinking about Bolivia. It was around that time also that I broke a bone in my foot when I landed wrong after a kick. I loved TKD! I loved how toned it made me, how flexible I was and advancing through the belts really made it feel like I was improving and accomplishing something. I could even break a 1in board with my hand or my foot. But... if I ever go back to it it will be in a different dojo. A problem with a lot of these smaller gyms is that 1) they are belt factories. Every time you test to advance to the next level you pay a fee. If you do and show up for test day, you get your belt. Sometimes when its wasn't really earned. 2) The "adult" classes start at about 13 years old. So someone like me, who was in my mid-twenties at the time and was kinda taking it seriously, was in classes with young kids who where going to quit after 2 belts cause they didn't care about it. On the other end of the age spectrum, there were some much older adults in my class and one in particular had been there for 10 odd years advancing through the belts. And I watched them give him a black belt when he was neither physically fit nor flexible and would likely get his butt kicked in a fight. 3) TKD take a lot of time and a lot of money if your want to do it right. But finding the right dojo is the first step and I'm years away from even thinking about starting it up again. And I'd have to start at the very beginning, which is ok. Long note but most people don't know that about me :)
Friday, February 20, 2015
familiar pangs
There it is again. The familiar pangs of wanting a home. We made decisions some years ago. We decided building our family was more important then buying a home. A decision I do not regret. Esp since Eric started school last year, our lives have been in a constant state of limbo. Fast forward to the last year. We have a 1 year old baby who a) makes a lot of noise and b) is easily awakened by a lot of noise. We have had 2 failed attempts at baby #2. I am sick and tired of buying new clothes because I don't fit the old ones. And running out of money besides. And really, when did Goodwill get so bloody expensive? $8 for used jeans?! Ridiculous!
I find myself with the "I want" mantra going through my head. I want a treadmill, maybe even an elliptical. I want space for Eric and I to work out in. I want a nice yard for Ellie to play in and enough room to host our family/friends for a meal. I want another baby and enough room for him/her too. I want Eric to have a job that doesn't mean commuting into the city. I want to put down roots and stop living in limbo. I want to stay near our families but something in me wants to get away from the affluent suburbs for a while. I want Eric to get a job in a Lutheran church that recognizes his gifts and desires and brings him on board. I want to see him finish his course work strong and then take a well deserved break from school. I want to do more date nights and try new things. I want to get into better shape without it breaking the bank. I want Ellie to start taking tumbling classes as soon as she is able. I want to drink coffee and wine whenever I feel like it and not have to worry about it affecting my next cycle.
Ugh, just a bad day. Crappy winter. Limbo-land. Just gets to me some days ya know?
I find myself with the "I want" mantra going through my head. I want a treadmill, maybe even an elliptical. I want space for Eric and I to work out in. I want a nice yard for Ellie to play in and enough room to host our family/friends for a meal. I want another baby and enough room for him/her too. I want Eric to have a job that doesn't mean commuting into the city. I want to put down roots and stop living in limbo. I want to stay near our families but something in me wants to get away from the affluent suburbs for a while. I want Eric to get a job in a Lutheran church that recognizes his gifts and desires and brings him on board. I want to see him finish his course work strong and then take a well deserved break from school. I want to do more date nights and try new things. I want to get into better shape without it breaking the bank. I want Ellie to start taking tumbling classes as soon as she is able. I want to drink coffee and wine whenever I feel like it and not have to worry about it affecting my next cycle.
Ugh, just a bad day. Crappy winter. Limbo-land. Just gets to me some days ya know?
Monday, February 16, 2015
"small" no longer
Its just a size right? I always knew that my slim frame would never be the same after having a child. Long before Ellie came along, I looked with envy at women whose waists just seem to snap back to perfection just months after giving birth. From what I read, its actually a matter of genetics. Which gives me some measure of comfort because I know I can't do much about that roll that remains on my tummy. I have been stuffing myself unto my old jeans for almost a year now and I just can't take it anymore! I'm tired of having to stretch out the denim before wearing it because they shrunk up in the wash, tired of having to suck my gut in to button the button, tired of unbuttoning just so I can sit down with some level of comfort. Its time for a change. And so, armed with a 25% off coupon for target, I bought the next size up jeans. Still a little snug but hundred fold better then my old ones. The next, next size up was way baggy where I didn't need it. So a little snug it is. Still searching for new khakis but that's an even bigger challenge.
My weight has always been a blessing and a curse for me. I have a very high metabolism that has done most of the hard work of burning off the crap I consume. But, never in my life have I weighed enough to donate blood (min is 110 pounds in case you didn't know). To maintain my weight in the past I've had to have a pretty significant amount carbs/protein in my diet. Strange I know, but I like salads, fruit, and vegetables. I like healthy eating. Going gluten free was a huge shock to my system because I suddenly had to find a replacement for bread! Yikes! What a challenge that has been! But going GF has helped me to maintain my weight which is nice. And I know I'm getting better nutrients into my body then I had in a long time previous.
So what to do with the belly roll? I'm hesitant to start an abs cruncher routine because we are hoping to be pregnant with baby #2 in the near future. Why get started on it if I'm going to be growing another baby soon right? But that not an excuse (though I like to use it because I'm hopeful) because I may never get pregnant again. Sad but true. That's just my reality. I'm working on accepting that if it ends up being true. But until we know that (likely by the end of this year) I have started a walking/running regimen. My parents have a treadmill that I can use whenever I want so I've started going over to their house a couple of nights a week after Ellie is in bed and Eric is home and doing 30 mins on it. I started with fast walking like I did while pregnant with Ellie (thankfully without all the potty breaks! LOL!) and just recently started adding in a few mins of running. My dad is a runner. Eric can be a runner when he wants to be. I am not a runner! So why I feel compelled to run is beyond me. I have pretty bad knees and I don't own running shoes. Maybe that's why I'm starting out as slow as I am. Last thing I need is to hurt myself.
And you know what? I feel good! A little sore as expected but I feel rejuvenated. I can't wait for warmer weather so I can take Ellie for walks again. Will the exercise routine change the outcome of our next transfer? I would hope so, but its no guarantee, there can never be a guarantee. Will this routine diminish the belly roll. Not likely. Serious ab work is required and even that may not be very effective. Its in my genes and if I have to buy larger jeans then so be it. Most people reading this probably think I'm crazy because as some like to say "Kim, your so skinny". True. Except for the 5 pounds on my belly. I never, ever thought I'd be the woman who needs to get off that 5 extra pounds. And I guess I'm not. The 5 pounds can stay if they want, I just don't want my belly overhanging my jeans! Wishful thinking perhaps but its motivation to keep on running!
My weight has always been a blessing and a curse for me. I have a very high metabolism that has done most of the hard work of burning off the crap I consume. But, never in my life have I weighed enough to donate blood (min is 110 pounds in case you didn't know). To maintain my weight in the past I've had to have a pretty significant amount carbs/protein in my diet. Strange I know, but I like salads, fruit, and vegetables. I like healthy eating. Going gluten free was a huge shock to my system because I suddenly had to find a replacement for bread! Yikes! What a challenge that has been! But going GF has helped me to maintain my weight which is nice. And I know I'm getting better nutrients into my body then I had in a long time previous.
So what to do with the belly roll? I'm hesitant to start an abs cruncher routine because we are hoping to be pregnant with baby #2 in the near future. Why get started on it if I'm going to be growing another baby soon right? But that not an excuse (though I like to use it because I'm hopeful) because I may never get pregnant again. Sad but true. That's just my reality. I'm working on accepting that if it ends up being true. But until we know that (likely by the end of this year) I have started a walking/running regimen. My parents have a treadmill that I can use whenever I want so I've started going over to their house a couple of nights a week after Ellie is in bed and Eric is home and doing 30 mins on it. I started with fast walking like I did while pregnant with Ellie (thankfully without all the potty breaks! LOL!) and just recently started adding in a few mins of running. My dad is a runner. Eric can be a runner when he wants to be. I am not a runner! So why I feel compelled to run is beyond me. I have pretty bad knees and I don't own running shoes. Maybe that's why I'm starting out as slow as I am. Last thing I need is to hurt myself.
And you know what? I feel good! A little sore as expected but I feel rejuvenated. I can't wait for warmer weather so I can take Ellie for walks again. Will the exercise routine change the outcome of our next transfer? I would hope so, but its no guarantee, there can never be a guarantee. Will this routine diminish the belly roll. Not likely. Serious ab work is required and even that may not be very effective. Its in my genes and if I have to buy larger jeans then so be it. Most people reading this probably think I'm crazy because as some like to say "Kim, your so skinny". True. Except for the 5 pounds on my belly. I never, ever thought I'd be the woman who needs to get off that 5 extra pounds. And I guess I'm not. The 5 pounds can stay if they want, I just don't want my belly overhanging my jeans! Wishful thinking perhaps but its motivation to keep on running!
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Winter ONEderland!
Ellie's first birthday party was a smashing success! We were able to host it in a room at our church and had a party coordinator which helped everything to go smoothly. We spent a lot of time creating her unique decorations and I have pinterest the thank for some of the ideas. We had many members of our family attend and some of our closest friends. Ellie was an ANGEL and didn't cry once. She was all smiles, tore open her gifts (with help) and face planted into her cake! Here are some of my photos from the day. I have video as well but I took it in HD with my camera and so its too large a file for this blog. Should have taken some with my phone but never thought of it. Anyway, here was our whirlwind of a birthday party :)
 |
| Pinterest for these ideas |
 |
| It took over a month for Eric and I to create this banner. I did the larger cardstock pieces and the ribbon and Eric printed and cut out the letters (with an exacto knife!). "Ellliana" is actually wooden letters that can be re-used in her room or other crafts in the future. |
 |
| Just chillin' with dad before the guests arrived |
 |
| She loves balloons! |
 |
| Somehow I came up with this table decoration myself. "Christmas village" snow, snowflake confetti (found on etsy) and framed 4x6s of Ellie through her first year. |
 |
| She really liked that balloon and was throwing it to my cousin Sarah. |
 |
| She had good practice opening gifts at Christmas. She is a bit slow and wants to eat the paper but she did her share of tearing and making a mess |
 |
| This was our gift to her, a small slide with steps to climb and a basketball hoop and bat with an attached swinging ball. |
 |
| First veggie tales gifts! Looking forward to Bob the Tomato teaching her bible truths |
 |
| Her first riding toy! She loves it! |
 |
| Photo op with her cousin Jae |
 |
| Eating her pizza but refusing to look at me |
 |
| A bit of an age gap with these cousins! Damion is 18, Jaelynn is 6, and Ellie is 1. Hard to ever get a picture of them all together! |
 |
| My camera was out of battery at this point but I thought I had video of her face-planting into the cake. She thought it was way easier to eat the cake with just her mouth then to use her hands anymore. What a mess! |
 |
| At the end of the day, we are the happiest family ever. Looking forward to the next year with all the changes, challenges, and surprises that are sure to come our way! |
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
She's ONE!
My how time flies. One year ago today I was holding my newborn baby for the very first time. Super Bowl Sunday last year started with a scare. I was 39 weeks pregnant and in the early morning I discovered I was bleeding. I called labor and delivery and was told I had to come in and get checked out. Little did I know that just after the bleeding my water broke and there was already evidence that the baby was in distress. I was admitted to the hospital by 6am, by 1pm, still no labor. So the interventions started, not at all what I wanted but what could I do? Baby wasn't coming. By 12am the next day things really went downhill and at 12:47am on 2/3/14 they delivered, via C-section, my beautiful 9 pound 19'' long baby girl. And she was a handful! But beautiful and most importantly, healthy. 4 days later we brought her home on a 0 degree day and then the REAL fun began.
Ahhh, memory lane. I can only hope and pray that I'm granted the opportunity to go through it all again someday. This year has been amazing, beautiful, sleep deprived, happy, frustrating, educational, and surprising. Ellie will take up to 4 steps on her own when she so desires to cooperate. She is getting much better at standing. She is working on cutting tooth #7 today. She is eating a lot table food and probably a few things she shouldn't (thanks to Eric!) but is doing well with everything but eggs. We have an appointment to see an allergist next week to find out what is going on with that and see if it is an allergy. She loves giving her stuff animals hugs, loves playing with mom and dad, has switched over to whole milk without a problem, sleeps through the night (finally!) and pretty much goes to sleep pretty easily as long as she is in her bed or in the car. If she is with people she will NOT sleep and sometimes takes just one nap a day if the schedule is off. Eric has taught her how to kick and throw a ball and she loves doing it. She loves pounding on her baby piano and blowing on her kazoo. She is an angel to take shopping and I love taking her out just because she makes sooo many people smile. She brings so much joy to the world! She is an amazing, walking, babbling, energetic, little bundle of perfection and I love her so, so much!
Ahhh, memory lane. I can only hope and pray that I'm granted the opportunity to go through it all again someday. This year has been amazing, beautiful, sleep deprived, happy, frustrating, educational, and surprising. Ellie will take up to 4 steps on her own when she so desires to cooperate. She is getting much better at standing. She is working on cutting tooth #7 today. She is eating a lot table food and probably a few things she shouldn't (thanks to Eric!) but is doing well with everything but eggs. We have an appointment to see an allergist next week to find out what is going on with that and see if it is an allergy. She loves giving her stuff animals hugs, loves playing with mom and dad, has switched over to whole milk without a problem, sleeps through the night (finally!) and pretty much goes to sleep pretty easily as long as she is in her bed or in the car. If she is with people she will NOT sleep and sometimes takes just one nap a day if the schedule is off. Eric has taught her how to kick and throw a ball and she loves doing it. She loves pounding on her baby piano and blowing on her kazoo. She is an angel to take shopping and I love taking her out just because she makes sooo many people smile. She brings so much joy to the world! She is an amazing, walking, babbling, energetic, little bundle of perfection and I love her so, so much!
Friday, January 23, 2015
Break time
Its been a rough couple of months. Its been a really expensive start to the new year. We've been in a lot of pain that we've tired to hide, both mentally and physically. We have had two consecutive embryo transfers fail. We have lost 5 of our remaining embryos. 5 little lives that are no more. 8 total embryos have been transferred to my waiting womb... 1 beautiful little girl remains. And yes, she is enough. She will always be enough. We have 6 more little lives that we will try to bring into the world... 6... that's if we don't lose anymore during the thawing process. 3 more attempts to complete our family... 3... if we're lucky.
I do find myself asking God "why?". All the medicine in the world, all the monitoring appointments and blood tests, all the prayers, all the resting and eating right and refusing all caffeine and alcohol, and still nothing. Why? What am I doing wrong? Why don't I deserve to carry another child? There are no answers and there never will be. All we can do is keep doing the best we can... and take a well deserved break.
Ellie is turning one in just 11 days. We have a party to put on! I've been printing pictures for the tables of her first year and nearly every one of them has a great big classic Ellie smile on it. She is a happy, healthy, active little miracle and I love her more everyday if that's even possible.
We will break from treatments till the summer. It is advised to wait 18 months from birth to conception though is not a requirement. I have a friend that got pregnant 3 months after her daughter was born (and she had infertility!), go figure. Financially we need a break. I am looking for part-time childcare or a weekend job to help boost our savings account again. Not all the meds I require are covered by insurance and I have high deductible insurance. Emotionally and physically we need a break from the near constant appointments (ultra sounds, blood draws), the medicines (including painful shots), and the awful 8 day wait to find out if it took or not. A break from getting bad news. A break from thinking about it all the time. There is a time for everything it is said. And this is a time for us to heal. To just love on the daughter we have. To live our lives and not try to live it around constant appointments.
So... into a bag went all my remaining meds, my vitamins, supplements... out of sight out of mind.
I find that I fell into the same trap I fell into back before we learned about our infertility. Postponing buying clothes because I might be pregnant soon. Declining invitations or ministry opportunities because I might be pregnant. Considering buying a minivan because if we get pregnant it might be twins. And so many other mind games. It gets ridiculous after a while.
I am in the midst of doing several things.
Another silver lining... well, kinda... is that we can move into a smaller place in the spring/summer. We really just need 2 bedrooms and a space that can work as Eric's office. We might be able to rent from a friend for a short time but that's iffy depending on if they can afford to buy a house or not. Eric will finish his Lay Ministry program at the end of this year and will be on the official call list starting 2016. Depending on if and when we get pregnant we may be moving away from our friends and family just as a new baby arrives. Big if through.
If we go through the rest of our embryos before the end of the year then we are done. We can't do this again. No money, no time, and pretty soon, no insurance. Once Eric is called to a church and we are in a house then we will begin taking steps to foster-to-adopt our next 1 or 2 children. We will have our family, one way or another. Though it makes me sad to think I will not get to feel another life growing inside of me or be able to have the birth I wanted with Ellie or be able to breast feed another child. Those things are great, they really are, but what we want more then anything is a big family to love and raise to know Jesus and to serve Him.
I do find myself asking God "why?". All the medicine in the world, all the monitoring appointments and blood tests, all the prayers, all the resting and eating right and refusing all caffeine and alcohol, and still nothing. Why? What am I doing wrong? Why don't I deserve to carry another child? There are no answers and there never will be. All we can do is keep doing the best we can... and take a well deserved break.
Ellie is turning one in just 11 days. We have a party to put on! I've been printing pictures for the tables of her first year and nearly every one of them has a great big classic Ellie smile on it. She is a happy, healthy, active little miracle and I love her more everyday if that's even possible.
We will break from treatments till the summer. It is advised to wait 18 months from birth to conception though is not a requirement. I have a friend that got pregnant 3 months after her daughter was born (and she had infertility!), go figure. Financially we need a break. I am looking for part-time childcare or a weekend job to help boost our savings account again. Not all the meds I require are covered by insurance and I have high deductible insurance. Emotionally and physically we need a break from the near constant appointments (ultra sounds, blood draws), the medicines (including painful shots), and the awful 8 day wait to find out if it took or not. A break from getting bad news. A break from thinking about it all the time. There is a time for everything it is said. And this is a time for us to heal. To just love on the daughter we have. To live our lives and not try to live it around constant appointments.
So... into a bag went all my remaining meds, my vitamins, supplements... out of sight out of mind.
I find that I fell into the same trap I fell into back before we learned about our infertility. Postponing buying clothes because I might be pregnant soon. Declining invitations or ministry opportunities because I might be pregnant. Considering buying a minivan because if we get pregnant it might be twins. And so many other mind games. It gets ridiculous after a while.
I am in the midst of doing several things.
- Starting an Infertility Support Group at our church. A very real need! Our senior pastor and his wife have also struggled with infertility and he is supportive of getting it going, just need to work out a few details, namely a co-leader with no children
- Becoming a table leader for our churches Parents of Preschoolers group
- Buying a small SUV
Another silver lining... well, kinda... is that we can move into a smaller place in the spring/summer. We really just need 2 bedrooms and a space that can work as Eric's office. We might be able to rent from a friend for a short time but that's iffy depending on if they can afford to buy a house or not. Eric will finish his Lay Ministry program at the end of this year and will be on the official call list starting 2016. Depending on if and when we get pregnant we may be moving away from our friends and family just as a new baby arrives. Big if through.
If we go through the rest of our embryos before the end of the year then we are done. We can't do this again. No money, no time, and pretty soon, no insurance. Once Eric is called to a church and we are in a house then we will begin taking steps to foster-to-adopt our next 1 or 2 children. We will have our family, one way or another. Though it makes me sad to think I will not get to feel another life growing inside of me or be able to have the birth I wanted with Ellie or be able to breast feed another child. Those things are great, they really are, but what we want more then anything is a big family to love and raise to know Jesus and to serve Him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)