Memorial Day/ Spring cleaning

So I've had a long list of chores that needed to get done. Miss Ellie makes getting any of them done very difficult. Especially if it involves the vacuum cleaner. She startles very easily and gets scared of loud noise like blenders, vacuums, and even dogs barking. Add to that she only naps in maybe 30 min increments during the day. So yesterday Eric and I tackled the list as best we could. Most of the day Ellie was really fussy (we think it was because of the heat/humidity) and just wanted me most of the day. I love that! But when I'm trying to get work done, I don't love it so much. She had some super cute moments though (see pictures) and once we finally turned on the AC she was happy as could be. We had a nice "humming" conversation that was just amazing. Her first word will be Ma Ma, she gets the MMM sound down perfect!

We got to work reorganizing Elli's closet and moved some stuff she has already outgrown to my parents attic in cases we need it for the next time around. Then it was on to the living room and kitchen cleaning.

First bath time mohawk

Watching the Cubs game with Eric and "praying" for a win. She folds her hands like this all by herself.

Watching a kid show with Eric first thing in the morning

 



In the middle of the house cleaning I discovered that my stupid vacuum cleaner was once again hopelessly clogged. Tending to Ellie and being a vacuum cleaner repair technician at the same time is a challenge to say the least. What a mess that was! Its still not 100% clear but its better. Need a tool that I don't have to really fix it. Actually, I intend to donate it to a fundraiser garage sale and get a new one that doesn't have this particular design defect. I've asked around via Facebook and most folks like Dyson and Shark. Problem being I can't spend $200+ on a vacuum! So I'm doing my due diligence and researching and looking for sales. Hope to find one for around $100 or so.

After all the hard work, Eric made his family recipe for potato salad, I threw a couple of steaks on the broiler and we feasted. If I wasn't breast feeding I would totally have had some wine too. So caffeine free pepsi had to do.

And at the end of a long hot and humid memorial day the to-do list is still not done :( But progress has been made!

Reflections on 33 years

Hanging out with my favorite girl on my birthday

 

So here we are. My 33rd birthday.

 

33 years ago I crashed my sisters birthday and we have had the pleasure of sharing a birthday ever since. My mom is fond of reminding me that I kept her and dad from attending a bible study that night. I was in such a hurry that there was no time for drugs. Poor mom.

 

 

33 years. Where have they gone? I have mostly good memories of my childhood. Typical suburban. Raised in the church. Attended camp. Had good friends throughout my life. Blessed beyond measure to have literally my entire family in the suburbs and we saw each other often. My grandmothers meant the world to me and taught me so much. My cousins were my best friends. Add to that I was homeschooled and we were a foster family. An interesting dynamic to say the least. Wouldn't change it for the world.

 

Then one day, I grew up. Somewhere between college, Bolivia, and finally marriage, I became an adult. Granted, since high school I was always on the more mature/responsible side, but growing up was a process none the less.

 

I was 19 when I started college but I didn't finish, still don't regret that. To finish would have required taking student loans, that debt in itself would have changed the course of my life. I took what I wanted from college and ran with it.

 

Didn't think I'd run quite as far as Bolivia! But once those wheels were set in motion, I knew there was no going back. I was 26. Call it destiny, I prefer God's will, but whatever. Finally, my family brought me back home after just 2 years serving. And again, God's will at work here, about a month after I came home, I met, fell in love with, and married Eric. I was 29.

 

Bolivia was the key to a lot of things I think. It changed the way I looked at the world. It taught me that I am stronger then I think I am and capable (with God's help) of doing so much more then just existing in the world.

 

Dating and marrying Eric was fun. Then infertility came along and almost destroyed my world. I was 31. And I was afraid I would never have the family I had dreamed about my whole life. Between God and the very best medical science had to offer, we finally conceived and brought Ellie into the world. I was 32.

 

Some would say I've had an interesting life. I would agree. It has given me a different perspective on life that many others will never have. A common thread through out is that love is thicker then blood. From foster care, to my 'adopted' family when I was out of reach of my own, to 'my' kids in Bolivia. My life is a collage of so many different people and places. I have been so blessed through these experiences and the friends and family who have seen me though them. Here is to the next 33 years :)





 



 

 

 

 

 

Jesus in my Facebook?

I have come to realize that I am one of the most selfish people I know. This is a hard thing for me to accept about myself. I prefer to believe that I am loving, caring, giving, and selfless.

I have issues with Facebook. Well, with social media in general. I always believed that people come and go in our lives for a reason... and others stay throughout our lives. The people who stay generally are our best friends because they've seen you through all your good and bad years. Other friends are seasonal at best.

Pre-Facebook, if you wanted to maintain a friendship you would call each other on the phone and hang out. Or if it was long distance, a letter or an email would help to continue the friendship. I have a lot of old friends from different parts of my life... all brought together by Facebook. Yikes... so much for people coming and going for a reason...  now they are all coming back again! I quite selfishly, I wanted my past to stay compartmentalized. Old friends should stay old friends, right? I don't need anymore friends in my life, right? I want my Facebook to stay "small" with just my good friends and family on it. So I have been like this since Facebook first made its debut.

Confession time. Twice now the past has tired to intervene in my present via Facebook. Once, an old camp friend found me via another lifelong friend. I was selfish and rejected her, what I said to her in an email is unforgivable. She was just an old friend who wanted to remember the good times she remembered from her fairly troubled life. Now I believe I have severed that relationship forever, I don't know if I can forgive myself for that or not.

Most recently, a friend of my sisters (yeah go figure) found me on Facebook via his wife whom I worked with recently at my last job. I figured (correctly) that he was friending me to get to my sister. This is not the first time this has happened to me on Facebook. Thinking about taking away my maiden name from my page. Anyway, I very politely told him that if he was looking for my sister that I could not put them in contact (variety of reasons) and since he and I were never friends (I was my sisters tag-along as teenagers) didn't see a need to accept his friend request. This is part of what he responded with "I was friending you because your name brought back memories of good people in my life and have often tried to get in touch with your sister over years past to see how she was doing. Anytime I asked anyone about her it was always negative and wanted to just...check in.. I guess with an old friend who always had a positive influence on my life, as did her family." (Italic mine) Talk about a slap in the face!

What a wake up call! I felt like Jesus was telling me "This is an opportunity to show my love to this guy for a second time in your life and your wasting it." So I have officially let Jesus take over my Facebook. What this will look like I'm not really sure. I went through my pending friend requests and accepted most of them. I may not be able to make things right with those old friends (though I did write to this last guy and apologized and accepted his request) but I can start acting more like Jesus going forward. A lesson I thought I learned a long, long time ago has been relearned today... Its not about me! Never as been. Its all about Jesus.

Ignorance is bliss and the slippery slope

So I've had some thoughts bouncing around in my head lately and no time to get them written down. At the moment, Ellie is taking a rare daytime nap in her crib, I've got two loads of laundry going and Dirty Jobs on the TV. Figured now was as good a time as any.

Ignorance is bliss. True or false? Sometimes or never? Dangerous? Between my infertility and my food intolerances (and the growing percentages of both in todays population) I'm more inclined to say that ignorance is bliss and can be very dangerous. "What you don't know can't hurt you" is along those same lines. Where am I going with this? Well, two things really. Traditional vs organically grown food and the toxic chemicals that make up the personal care and cleaning products that we buy for our households.

We unknowingly put a lot of chemicals, pesticides, and other harmful toxins into our bodies every day. Its on the food we eat, the shampoo we use, and the soap we use to clean our clothes. I grew up lower middle class(ish). I never thought twice about how my food was grown. It tasted good, filled my belly, and kept my family on a budget. That was all that mattered.

In today's world we have people doing all sorts of research that indicates that the stuff that is used on our food to help our farmers meet the growing demand for product is indeed bad for you. Hence the growing trend towards organic products. Certain people are wanting their food fresh and free of chemicals, preservatives, and toxins. They want the animals they get their meat and dairy from to be organically fed, cage free, happy and not genetically modified. And they are willing to pay big bucks to have it that way.

Slippery slope time. I don't know about you but my family food budget doubled by about half when I tried to go "organic" 2 years ago. Yikes! And that was just food! I recently went to a Ava Anderson non-toxic party and learned a lot about what all these toxins are potentially doing to our bodies. The statistics are staggering, they really are. And with allergies and cancers on the rise, I'm 100% positive it has to do with the food and products we use daily. Can I do anything about it? If I was a wealthy person, I would scrap every bit of food, every cleaning agent, and every personal care product in this house and replace it with something Non-GMO, organic, and non-toxic. If I was a wealthy person. Fact is, I can't, so I won't and I'm ok with that. I wish I could change just one thing, say change my household cleaner. Spend $20 a bottle rather then $2 a bottle. My budget could handle that. But what affect would it have if all my other cleaners, my shampoo, makeup, and my groceries, all stayed the same? None at all. We'd still be swimming in a sea of crap that is bad for us.

I sure do want to be healthy. I want my daughter to grow up without food allergies and to never know the heartache of infertility. I also want to have money to take her to special places for vacations and to help pay for her education. We have to make choices. I am a bargain hunter to the core. I still experience sticker shock when I have to by gluten free food for myself. I wish there was more we could do but as it is, a good balanced diet is going to have to be enough.

More pictures of my little love bug

My niece Jaelynn and Ellie

Cubs opener

Just too cute not to get a picture

The shirt I will never wear again because it is way to tight!

Working hard at becoming a couch potato

Sunday afternoon nap with Eric

We had to put the onesie on least once!

The Mommy Club

I've been feeling thoughtful this week. Well, as thoughtful as I can be seeing how sleep deprived I've been all week.

1 year ago I was mentally recovering from a failed pregnancy and mentally preparing for the next attempt. I was feeling so many, many things. Broken, anxious, doubtful, excluded, anything but hopeful, anything but normal. Infertility is one the worst and often least addressed issue amongst young couples. Unless you've lost a pregnancy or struggled for more then a year to get pregnant you can't even begin to know what it feels like to feel... abnormal. To be on the outside looking in. To sit in a room full of your friends who are talking happily about their pregnancy and little babies and have to walk outside for some fresh air so they don't see you crying. That was a year ago.

And today... I'm in the mommy club. The sleep deprived, can't-get-anything-done, crazy club. I've been accepted. I can converse now with other mothers. I'm not on the outside looking in... but so many women still are. And my heart breaks for them. God granted us a miracle and I get to love her and hold her everyday. But I can still, and always will, remember the heartache we had to go through to get here.

Please, be aware of who is around you and your friends. Someone may be struggling with infertility and you don't even know it. What comes easy and natural to so many is an insurmountable mountain for others. Make the effort to NOT talk non-stop about babies and include everyone. Thank you.

Mama guilt

Mama guilt is a phrase I started hearing when I was pregnant and I thought it was weird. Why would a mom feel guilty? Well, now I know! Let me preemptively state now that I am not suffering from post-partum depression. I feel bad (guilty) when I have to let Ellie cry. It tears at my heart like you wouldn't believe. But sometimes, I need to get some food in my mouth, or go to the rest room, or change my clothes. Its impossible for me to hold her 24 hours a day. With her reflux issues, I do have to hold her a good part of the day. And I love holding her! But sometimes mama needs a break and I feel mama guilt for that. I feel mama guilt when she is crying and I can't get her to calm down. I think it is part of the reflux but she gets into these crying tangents and gets herself so worked up that she is inconsolable. Swaddling, swaying, bouncing, sssshing, talking to her usually helps but it may take 5-10 mins of screaming before she settles down, usually she will fall asleep. And again, mama guilt for making her feel like she needs to sleep all the time. But if its the only way she will stop screaming what is a mama suppose to do?

In an attempt to help her reflux in a more natural way I have now taken both dairy and soy 99% out of my diet. Many mama's have said that this helped their babies who had similar reflux or gas issues. It might however be 2-3 weeks before there is any noticeable difference in Ellie. If it even helps at all. The doctor gave us Zantac but I honestly think it made her throwing up worse and made her more gassy. All these meds have side effects but an infant can't tell you how she is feeling. She just cries that much more. And it breaks my heart that I can't "fix" her. And I can't let it go on for another 3 months while her body matures to where it won't happen anymore. So, even though I was already lactose intolerant, I could just take an OTC enzyme that helped me to digest dairy. I've been doing this for 17 years (yikes!). And now I have to eliminate it and that's difficult and expensive. Dairy substitutes are easy enough to find but they are pricey and sometimes just don't taste very good. I'm told that soy has a protein similar to dairy and could also be effecting the baby. So I'm taking that out too. I don't take in a lot of soy to begin with but it does seems to be in almost everything that is pre-packaged. Good thing I'm used to reading labels anyway.

Next week Monday Ellie will be 6 weeks old! Which means it time for her to sleep in her big girl crib. Problem being, she never really slept in her little girl bassinet. For the better part of the last 6 weeks she has slept on my chest while I slept on the couch. We both sleep longer and better that way. But its a really, really bad habit and I started the process of breaking it last night. That means I got almost zero sleep. Its a lot harder then I thought it would be. 1) your body craves sleep at 3am. Knowing that I could sleep soundly with her on my chest is a huge, huge temptation. And I have to force myself to get up once she is sound asleep on me and put her in her crib. 2) I just sleep better when she is with me. I get up every 30-60  mins when she starts crying and when I am sleeping I am having really weird dreams. But we have to do it. She has to sleep in her crib, I have to sleep in my bed. No other arraignment is acceptable to me (us). So this afternoon when she naps (in her crib) I will nap on the couch. Very, very tired.

And now she is up and hungry... to the child I go...