Well, we got the news this week that I am indeed carrying a larger than normal 33 week old baby. Larger by almost 2 pounds over the norm. Also my water is in the high side. This explains why everyone thinks I'm due a lot sooner than I actually am. It explains why I ache so much and probably why the sciatica is so bad. And possibly also why I've already gained the average weight gain. I'll have another ultrasound to check on him in 4 weeks, if I'm still pregnant by then. And I do hope that I am! Big baby or not, he still needs to cook long enough for his lungs to fully develop and to learn the drink/swallow/breath technique. I want to avoid the NICU stay if I can at all help it. But most importantly, I want my baby born alive and healthy.
These new developments do raise my anxiety level again. The big baby + the high water = increased likelihood of water breaking earlier than 40 weeks. It also increases some other risks that I wish I had not researched. He will be born when God plans for him to be born. I have a great circle of family and friends ready and willing to help with Ellie when the day comes. I've been putting an action plan together for worst-case scenerios and hoping for the best. Hope for the best, plan for the worst right? The best would be that labor would start in a typical fashion without any scary bleeding or pain. That it would start in the evening or overnight or on a weekend when Eric is not in the city. Not knowing when its all going to start is the hardest part. At the ultrasound this week he was head down which is good but because of the high water, he can easily flip into and out of breech. We just hope he is head down when water breaks or labor starts.
If his is running 3-4 weeks ahead on weight (doctors best estimate of his weight anyway) I am preparing for a 36-37 week delivery. Which is only 3-4 weeks from now. Scary thought! Been doing a lot of nesting this morning. The 3yo is always trying to help but after everything I say, and I do mean everything is the incessant "why." And honestly by the end of the day I wish I could just ignore her. The questions lately have been non stop. Today she is napping and I am taking a much needed breather for cleaning, organizing, shopping, and her questions. Sleep has been hard to come by thanks to heartburn :( So my patience, energy, fatigue levels have all been effected by that. There is so much cleaning and organizing to do that I am feeling overwhelmed. I can't do it all by myself but there is only so much I can put on Eric's honey-do list. So my sciatica is bad right now and I'm kicking myself for doing as much as I did this morning. I hate feeling handicapped just because I'm pregnant. So please, please, little boy, stay in for another 4 weeks! Let us get everything done, let your big body develop all the things it needs to and don't start your labor with anything scary!
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Ellie's 3!
Our little miracle turned 3 last Friday. We had two days of birthday celebration fun and took some fun pictures. She saw her doctor today for her well-child checkup and she is spot on for all her developmental milestones if not slightly ahead. She is 31 pounds (54 percentile) and 36 1/2 inches tall (37 percentile) both all good and average.
She continues to amaze with her use of verbal expressions, tones, and facial expressions in her language. She is a total copy cat and will repeat most anything she hears. She learned "stupid" from Charlie Brown of all things and she's been corrected not to use it. So when Eric and I say it (not in a mean context or at someone) we get corrected. "Why daddy say 'stupid'"? yeah need to watch ourselves more. She is also the never ending question generator. What you are doing? Where are we going? Why are you doing that? What is that? What did you say? And on and on endlessly. She is stubborn and we have our behavior problems but we are managing it ok so far. Hard to say what will happen with her behaviors when baby boy arrives. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there.
She is 99% potty trained with only an accident or two per week. Seems to happen when she is really tired or having a difficult time with #2. But overall she is doing really good going potty where ever she is and with whomever. She rarely asks for her reward stickers anymore but will still ask for a prize every now and then. Trying to use them more now for rewards for obedience like cleaning up her toys, good behavior, finishing her meals, etc.
Even on a good day, my house looks like a tornado went through her toys. Trying to brainstorm ways to keep it organized and off the floor since its is increasingly difficult for me to sit on the floor or pick things up off of it. 35 pounds on my midsection will do that and I still have 9 weeks to go. I really want to ditch the toy box in favor of a shelving unit with small tubs and get some basket type things for a large living room bookshelf as well.
She continues to love to paint and I am always looking for easy toddler crafts to do with her. She really loves helping me make cookies so this week or next we will do some sugar cookies for valentines day. She does always want to "help" which is not easy to let her do. I try to find little things she can do without potentially hurting herself. At least when it comes to cooking. Helping with sweeping and cleaning she can 'help' all she wants, so long as its not actually contributing to the mess. Which does happen.
She loves chasing her friends around in circles, taking selfies, typing on the computer and spelling out her name and whatever words she asks us to spell for her. She is hit or miss these days with reading books but has a few classics she always brings out. She likes TV a little too much but is starting to pay attention to longer movies better. Want to take her to a theater soon but waiting for the right movie to come out. I wish I could say she eats everything I put in front of her but that would be a bold faced lie. She eats well enough to continue to grow but is very picky and meal times can be the most frustrating. Hope she grows out of it soon.
So here are some pictures from her birthday celebrations
She continues to amaze with her use of verbal expressions, tones, and facial expressions in her language. She is a total copy cat and will repeat most anything she hears. She learned "stupid" from Charlie Brown of all things and she's been corrected not to use it. So when Eric and I say it (not in a mean context or at someone) we get corrected. "Why daddy say 'stupid'"? yeah need to watch ourselves more. She is also the never ending question generator. What you are doing? Where are we going? Why are you doing that? What is that? What did you say? And on and on endlessly. She is stubborn and we have our behavior problems but we are managing it ok so far. Hard to say what will happen with her behaviors when baby boy arrives. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there.
She is 99% potty trained with only an accident or two per week. Seems to happen when she is really tired or having a difficult time with #2. But overall she is doing really good going potty where ever she is and with whomever. She rarely asks for her reward stickers anymore but will still ask for a prize every now and then. Trying to use them more now for rewards for obedience like cleaning up her toys, good behavior, finishing her meals, etc.
Even on a good day, my house looks like a tornado went through her toys. Trying to brainstorm ways to keep it organized and off the floor since its is increasingly difficult for me to sit on the floor or pick things up off of it. 35 pounds on my midsection will do that and I still have 9 weeks to go. I really want to ditch the toy box in favor of a shelving unit with small tubs and get some basket type things for a large living room bookshelf as well.
She continues to love to paint and I am always looking for easy toddler crafts to do with her. She really loves helping me make cookies so this week or next we will do some sugar cookies for valentines day. She does always want to "help" which is not easy to let her do. I try to find little things she can do without potentially hurting herself. At least when it comes to cooking. Helping with sweeping and cleaning she can 'help' all she wants, so long as its not actually contributing to the mess. Which does happen.
She loves chasing her friends around in circles, taking selfies, typing on the computer and spelling out her name and whatever words she asks us to spell for her. She is hit or miss these days with reading books but has a few classics she always brings out. She likes TV a little too much but is starting to pay attention to longer movies better. Want to take her to a theater soon but waiting for the right movie to come out. I wish I could say she eats everything I put in front of her but that would be a bold faced lie. She eats well enough to continue to grow but is very picky and meal times can be the most frustrating. Hope she grows out of it soon.
So here are some pictures from her birthday celebrations
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| Birthday breakfast at IHOP. Note to self: IHOP has become ridiculously overpriced. Never again. She enjoyed herself though |
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| Birthday gift #1 from mom and dad |
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| Painting smock! |
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| Found an amazingly yummy gluten free cake at Jewel that we all enjoyed |
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| At the end of the day, she is still my baby girl. Love her cuddles. |
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| Family birthday party which we themed "silly hat party" |
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| Gradberg grandpartents |
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| Leardi Aunt, Unlce, cousins |
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| Aunt Krissy, Uncle Vince, cousin Jae, and Grandma Leardi |
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| There is more than one way to eat a piece of cake apprently |
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| Just before blowing out the candles |
Thursday, January 26, 2017
little updates
Tomorrow marks 29 weeks with this little boy. Sometimes I feel like this pregnancy is going by at a snails pace. Other times I'm like, holy crap, I'm having a baby in 2 1/2 months! Only major complaint is fatigue. Totally normal and expected. Except when I was this far along with Ellie, I had already quit my job and it was the winter of the polar vortexes. I could sleep and eat and sleep whenever I darn well chose to. Now, I'm on a potty training toddlers schedule. She will be three very very soon and is 95 % potty trained. Her normal wake up time is between 6 and 6:30 and she rarely takes a nap anymore. She goes to bed around 7 those days. We have an "ok to wake" clock but so far its not been super effective. Probably need a sticker system or other reward for staying in the room till 7. She needs a chore chart too as we start to instill some basic principles into her routine. Some things, like setting the table and emptying the dishwasher, she loves to do. Things like cleaning up her toys or staying in her room, not-so-much.
A lot of things are getting harder to do with my growing belly, again not an issue with Ellie. I was big but no toddler. Picking up the screaming toddler for time out is not the easiest thing as she flails and arches. Cuddling her on my lap takes some careful arranging. Picking up toys, searching under furniture, bath time, extracting myself from her bed (if I had to lay down with her to get her to sleep) without waking her up. All things that are very challenging. We manage though. Sometimes I just tell her she needs to wait till daddy comes home. I still have bad sciatic pain that if I'm not really careful will turn excruciating.
She may not be three for another week or so but she is definitely showing signs of being a three-nager. Esp when she needs to sleep but has refused. She communicates well until she decides to be a three-nager and grunt and scream at me instead. She is 90% delightful and is excited for the baby but oh my word, that 10% would drive me to drink (if I could drink!). We are planning a very small family party for her 3rd birthday. We don't have the finances to pull off something big right now. With the baby coming and possibly two health care deductibles to meet, just not gonna happen.
We have his names(s) picked out and are happy with them. I start my 2 week visits to the doctor next month and see MFM doctors for a growth ultrasound in 4 weeks. Next mile stone to reach is 32 weeks as his brain will pretty much be developed. After that is his lungs maturing and weight gain as I understand it. I'm eating A LOT more than I remember eating with Ellie, I've already gained 30 pounds and I still have 11 weeks to go. Kind of daunting. Heartburn is worse too. I'm still limiting exercise as I end up with pains to worry me. In April for sure I'll be doing some spring walking to encourage him to drop and for labor to start.
After talking through labor options with one of my doctors I'm still not super happy. My best bet is for labor to begin naturally and need no helps. So I am praying for that. If there is a need for Pitocin my risk factors for scar abruption (from my csection) come into play. It really depends on how everything ends up going and how well I progress.
Soon my baby will be 3. She will have her own update after her birthday. So so proud of my little girl and who she is becoming!
A lot of things are getting harder to do with my growing belly, again not an issue with Ellie. I was big but no toddler. Picking up the screaming toddler for time out is not the easiest thing as she flails and arches. Cuddling her on my lap takes some careful arranging. Picking up toys, searching under furniture, bath time, extracting myself from her bed (if I had to lay down with her to get her to sleep) without waking her up. All things that are very challenging. We manage though. Sometimes I just tell her she needs to wait till daddy comes home. I still have bad sciatic pain that if I'm not really careful will turn excruciating.
She may not be three for another week or so but she is definitely showing signs of being a three-nager. Esp when she needs to sleep but has refused. She communicates well until she decides to be a three-nager and grunt and scream at me instead. She is 90% delightful and is excited for the baby but oh my word, that 10% would drive me to drink (if I could drink!). We are planning a very small family party for her 3rd birthday. We don't have the finances to pull off something big right now. With the baby coming and possibly two health care deductibles to meet, just not gonna happen.
We have his names(s) picked out and are happy with them. I start my 2 week visits to the doctor next month and see MFM doctors for a growth ultrasound in 4 weeks. Next mile stone to reach is 32 weeks as his brain will pretty much be developed. After that is his lungs maturing and weight gain as I understand it. I'm eating A LOT more than I remember eating with Ellie, I've already gained 30 pounds and I still have 11 weeks to go. Kind of daunting. Heartburn is worse too. I'm still limiting exercise as I end up with pains to worry me. In April for sure I'll be doing some spring walking to encourage him to drop and for labor to start.
After talking through labor options with one of my doctors I'm still not super happy. My best bet is for labor to begin naturally and need no helps. So I am praying for that. If there is a need for Pitocin my risk factors for scar abruption (from my csection) come into play. It really depends on how everything ends up going and how well I progress.
Soon my baby will be 3. She will have her own update after her birthday. So so proud of my little girl and who she is becoming!
Friday, December 23, 2016
The post 24 weeks in the making
I've had 24 weeks to think about what I wanted to say in this blog post. To somehow capture all of my hopes, dreams, anxieties, and paranoia into these words. I've kept the news of our rainbow pregnancy off of Facebook. I just wasn't ready for the news to be shared to the ends of the earth (literally, hi friends!). Most people understand that. Simply put, losing Alexandra at 23.1 weeks has changed the way I think about pregnancy. Mine or anyone elses. With all the marvels of medical science, they were still not able to stop my labor or save my baby.
Every milestone we've reached thus far, the joy was always tempered by the thought "we aren't safe yet, only x amount of weeks to go. Then I can breathe." Some women count down to their due dates. I've been counting down to Viability. I say the V word to some people and I get a blank look. For women with totally normal, uncomplicated pregnancies, viability is not a word that ever gets tossed around. Its not a part of their world. I never heard the word during Ellie's pregnancy. I heard it with Lexie when a pregnanct friend mentioned she had passed viability and then not again until 22 weeks, when I went into extremely preterm labor. 2 weeks ago, I passed the gestational age that I started bleeding with Lexie. Last Saturday I passed the gestational age at which she was born. Today I celebrate a different kind of V-day. Viability Day. If something were to go wrong, and we pray daily that it doesn't, our boy could be delivered and the doctors would move heaven and earth to save him.
Viability does not mean my anxiety disappears. Nor my paranoia. What it does mean, is that I will take a little bit deeper of a breath. Every day past viability is a blessing. He will be bigger and stronger and will spend less and less time in the NICU. There is nothing to say that I won't carry to term. If I make 37 or more weeks, Praise the Lord! Ellie was born at 39 weeks and weighed 9#.
Local friends obviously know that I am pregnant. I'm quite big and not trying to hide it. I have gained 20 pounds already! I am looking forward to having conversations about this pregnancy that don't include the count down to viability. And the explanations that have to go with that statement. We have so many amazing family and friends who lift our family up in prayer, praying for a healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy. I don't know where I would be without their constant encouragement to help battle my anxiety.
More distant FB friends may or may not have observed I haven't posted any pictures of myself recently (head shots or carefully hidden waist up pictures only). Even our professional pictures we intentionally hid my stomach behind Ellie for the most part. Paranoia. I also have not posted anything about running since I completed my 10K in July. My embryo transfer was done less then 2 weeks later. I haven't done a lick of exercise, beside short walks, since July. Paranoia. I may slowly try to start more regular walks since we are past V-day. Will depend on how my body handles it. Maybe some yoga if I can get motivated to do it.
I've already been experiencing pretty bad sciatic nerve pain. Some days I can hardly walk. I may have some physical therapy done to help that if it gets worse. I am seeing both a new OB and the Maternal-Fetal Medicine doctors (MFM). They are watching closely for any sign of complication. There was one earlier on but it resolved itself. V-Day is simply the best Christmas present we could ask for, But it also has stolen some of the joy of the season for me. The snow and ice and sub zero temps have had me tied to the house a lot. I can only shop so long before my back starts killing me. Just doing crafts with Ellie has been a challenge if I'm bending over too much.
Amazingly, I know 5 other women who are pregnant with me and are due between January and June. It has been fun, yet filled with fear and anxiety, to go through our pregnancies together. So many babies! I will start collecting (borrowing for the most part) baby items for our little boy now. In my grief I sold or gave away all of our baby equipment. Borrowing is better so I can just give stuff back when he has outgrown it. I have steadfastly refused to buy anything for him until now because of things I bought and then had to sell for Lexie. The whole 'don't put the cart before the horse' thing I guess. I've really been trying to just take one day at a time and not make assumptions about this pregnancy. Unfortunately that is part of my PTSD. The majority of pregnant women I know don't think this way about their pregnancies. I try to be optimistic I do, but realistic as well. I know too dang much about all the things that can go wrong. I hope and pray this does not rub my friends the wrong way or cause them to be less than optimistic about their pregnancies. This is my burden to bear, no one elses.
Ellie has been doing very well with the progressing pregnancy. It helps a lot that one of her best little buddies recently had his baby sister born. The whole time my friend was pregnant (and big) we talked to Ellie about how that was her friends little sister inside that tummy, just like her little brother was inside mine. She also knew before we did that we were having a boy. Every time we asked her if it was a baby brother or sister, she said "brother". On occasion should would say puppy though, haha. It absolutely melts my heart when she gives him a hug or kiss, sings to him, or talks to him. She freaked out scared a little bit the first time she felt him kick but has gotten a little better. I told her that her brother would be coming out around Easter time. That sent her into a whole conversation with him about Easter baskets and picking up Easter eggs at church. She has also told him he would play candy land with her and ball. She asks me often if he is kicking me. This seems to concern her.
We talk about Lexie but not to the point where it would be psychologically difficult for her. We have Lexie Bear (stuffed animal), Lexie's ornaments, The A for Alexandra on my mothers necklace too. We have told her (I think) that Lexie was her sister. But we don't tell her that she was born too early or that she died. Because, to me, a two year old has no ability to understand something like that. I don't want her to be confused or be scared for her little brother. I'm scared enough for the both of us. When she is older we will talk about her more, when she can understand (and I'm not pregnant anymore obviously).
I haven't talked to the doctors too much about a birth plan for him since I feel so much of labor is actually outside of my control at this point. All I really care about this time is getting him out and alive and healthy. So many things can come up that mess with my plan anyway, just like it did with Ellie. Early labor, big baby, bleeding, not progressing, water breaking without labor starting, ect, ect. We invested a lot of time and money preparing for a natural birth with Ellie but it never happened. Its just not that important to me this time. I did briefly touch on the subject with the last doctor I saw and she said that if all goes well and there are no complications and I go into labor naturally I can do whatever I want. They will not force another csection but neither will they induce me. The earliest they will schedule the csection is 39 weeks. Which is about 10 days before Easter.
I see both my OB and my MFM next week, MFM will do an echo cardio graph thingy on the baby's heart. Standard for an IVF pregnancy. Then I'll see MFM at the beginning of the 3rd tri for a growth ultrasound.
Every milestone we've reached thus far, the joy was always tempered by the thought "we aren't safe yet, only x amount of weeks to go. Then I can breathe." Some women count down to their due dates. I've been counting down to Viability. I say the V word to some people and I get a blank look. For women with totally normal, uncomplicated pregnancies, viability is not a word that ever gets tossed around. Its not a part of their world. I never heard the word during Ellie's pregnancy. I heard it with Lexie when a pregnanct friend mentioned she had passed viability and then not again until 22 weeks, when I went into extremely preterm labor. 2 weeks ago, I passed the gestational age that I started bleeding with Lexie. Last Saturday I passed the gestational age at which she was born. Today I celebrate a different kind of V-day. Viability Day. If something were to go wrong, and we pray daily that it doesn't, our boy could be delivered and the doctors would move heaven and earth to save him.
Viability does not mean my anxiety disappears. Nor my paranoia. What it does mean, is that I will take a little bit deeper of a breath. Every day past viability is a blessing. He will be bigger and stronger and will spend less and less time in the NICU. There is nothing to say that I won't carry to term. If I make 37 or more weeks, Praise the Lord! Ellie was born at 39 weeks and weighed 9#.
Local friends obviously know that I am pregnant. I'm quite big and not trying to hide it. I have gained 20 pounds already! I am looking forward to having conversations about this pregnancy that don't include the count down to viability. And the explanations that have to go with that statement. We have so many amazing family and friends who lift our family up in prayer, praying for a healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy. I don't know where I would be without their constant encouragement to help battle my anxiety.
More distant FB friends may or may not have observed I haven't posted any pictures of myself recently (head shots or carefully hidden waist up pictures only). Even our professional pictures we intentionally hid my stomach behind Ellie for the most part. Paranoia. I also have not posted anything about running since I completed my 10K in July. My embryo transfer was done less then 2 weeks later. I haven't done a lick of exercise, beside short walks, since July. Paranoia. I may slowly try to start more regular walks since we are past V-day. Will depend on how my body handles it. Maybe some yoga if I can get motivated to do it.
I've already been experiencing pretty bad sciatic nerve pain. Some days I can hardly walk. I may have some physical therapy done to help that if it gets worse. I am seeing both a new OB and the Maternal-Fetal Medicine doctors (MFM). They are watching closely for any sign of complication. There was one earlier on but it resolved itself. V-Day is simply the best Christmas present we could ask for, But it also has stolen some of the joy of the season for me. The snow and ice and sub zero temps have had me tied to the house a lot. I can only shop so long before my back starts killing me. Just doing crafts with Ellie has been a challenge if I'm bending over too much.
Amazingly, I know 5 other women who are pregnant with me and are due between January and June. It has been fun, yet filled with fear and anxiety, to go through our pregnancies together. So many babies! I will start collecting (borrowing for the most part) baby items for our little boy now. In my grief I sold or gave away all of our baby equipment. Borrowing is better so I can just give stuff back when he has outgrown it. I have steadfastly refused to buy anything for him until now because of things I bought and then had to sell for Lexie. The whole 'don't put the cart before the horse' thing I guess. I've really been trying to just take one day at a time and not make assumptions about this pregnancy. Unfortunately that is part of my PTSD. The majority of pregnant women I know don't think this way about their pregnancies. I try to be optimistic I do, but realistic as well. I know too dang much about all the things that can go wrong. I hope and pray this does not rub my friends the wrong way or cause them to be less than optimistic about their pregnancies. This is my burden to bear, no one elses.
Ellie has been doing very well with the progressing pregnancy. It helps a lot that one of her best little buddies recently had his baby sister born. The whole time my friend was pregnant (and big) we talked to Ellie about how that was her friends little sister inside that tummy, just like her little brother was inside mine. She also knew before we did that we were having a boy. Every time we asked her if it was a baby brother or sister, she said "brother". On occasion should would say puppy though, haha. It absolutely melts my heart when she gives him a hug or kiss, sings to him, or talks to him. She freaked out scared a little bit the first time she felt him kick but has gotten a little better. I told her that her brother would be coming out around Easter time. That sent her into a whole conversation with him about Easter baskets and picking up Easter eggs at church. She has also told him he would play candy land with her and ball. She asks me often if he is kicking me. This seems to concern her.
We talk about Lexie but not to the point where it would be psychologically difficult for her. We have Lexie Bear (stuffed animal), Lexie's ornaments, The A for Alexandra on my mothers necklace too. We have told her (I think) that Lexie was her sister. But we don't tell her that she was born too early or that she died. Because, to me, a two year old has no ability to understand something like that. I don't want her to be confused or be scared for her little brother. I'm scared enough for the both of us. When she is older we will talk about her more, when she can understand (and I'm not pregnant anymore obviously).
I haven't talked to the doctors too much about a birth plan for him since I feel so much of labor is actually outside of my control at this point. All I really care about this time is getting him out and alive and healthy. So many things can come up that mess with my plan anyway, just like it did with Ellie. Early labor, big baby, bleeding, not progressing, water breaking without labor starting, ect, ect. We invested a lot of time and money preparing for a natural birth with Ellie but it never happened. Its just not that important to me this time. I did briefly touch on the subject with the last doctor I saw and she said that if all goes well and there are no complications and I go into labor naturally I can do whatever I want. They will not force another csection but neither will they induce me. The earliest they will schedule the csection is 39 weeks. Which is about 10 days before Easter.
I see both my OB and my MFM next week, MFM will do an echo cardio graph thingy on the baby's heart. Standard for an IVF pregnancy. Then I'll see MFM at the beginning of the 3rd tri for a growth ultrasound.
Feel free to read back a few entries of this blog to see some of my thoughts pre-viability. I'll post a bit more on FB now too. This was a long and rambling entry but it was important to me to raise awareness about pregnancy after a loss like ours and what it does to a woman (or a couple ) psychologically. How it changes you. I hope it helps you to understand me a little better, to pray for me (us) better, to be a little more sensitive to those with infertility and/or infant loss. I call him my rainbow baby because he is our hope after a disaster. No he isn't a promise that everything is going to be ok from here on out. From the ashes rises something beautiful.
Isaiah 61:3 "To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory." (Calm down folks if your up in arms about context. It fits)
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Arkansas Road Trip
If there is one thing this family does not do ( or at least does not do well) is travel. But Eric and I have been long, long overdue for a change of pace and were in need of a vacation. So we started playing with the idea of taking the 2 1/2 year old down to see Eric's side of the family. We hadn't made the trip to see them in over 4 years. So we started talking about going down for Thanksgiving. So happened that my brother in law and family were thinking about it too.
So, because of the toddler and my pregnancy we decided to break the trip into two parts. We stayed in St Louis with friends on the way down and back. We also visited the Seminary briefly. It all worked out really well, even saw some high school friends of mine on the way down too. Ellie had a BLAST with friends and her cousins (Eric's cousins kids). She was the youngest of the bunch (the oldester being 13) but she didn't care. The one closest to her in age was a 5 year old. Aunt Jan lives in several acres and has all sorts of outside toys to play with, even has neighbors with horses to visit and pet. Now pictures
So, because of the toddler and my pregnancy we decided to break the trip into two parts. We stayed in St Louis with friends on the way down and back. We also visited the Seminary briefly. It all worked out really well, even saw some high school friends of mine on the way down too. Ellie had a BLAST with friends and her cousins (Eric's cousins kids). She was the youngest of the bunch (the oldester being 13) but she didn't care. The one closest to her in age was a 5 year old. Aunt Jan lives in several acres and has all sorts of outside toys to play with, even has neighbors with horses to visit and pet. Now pictures
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| Car break, found a nice park to run around in so Ellie could burn energy and I could stretch |
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| First stop to visit a high school friend and his family, Ellie made a new friend |
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| First St Louis stop to visit old church friends that had moved away several years ago and just recently moved to STL. Ellie made more friends :) |
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| Pretty view out the chapel window at Seminary |
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| This is a prayer that Eric's grandmother Gradberg wrote that his Aunt has held onto all these years. I love it so much, I've asked Eric to remake it and frame it for me for Christmas. |
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| We visited the Little Rock Zoo our first day there with some of Eric's family. It was so nice to be so close to the animals! Plus the zoo was basically empty do to morning rain and it being the day before Thanksgiving. |
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| Ellie got up close and personal with a grizzly |
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| She was obsessed with putting her face in every face in the hole she saw. I've created a monster! She is a cute monster though so all is well. |
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| Helping Aunt Jan in the kitchen |
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| This golf cart was such a huge hit with both adults and children. They had a 4 wheeler that I chose not to ride on. Wheather was on the cool side but still in th 60s for the most part. |
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| Played two nights of Rummy Royal, a Gradberg traditional party game. Similar to poker but more involved. Its fun! |
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| Downtown Little Rock, not really a lot to do there. |
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| Aunt Jan made a Thanksgiving Olympics complete with medals. The kids ran a "triathalon", did a balance game, and a sorting game. Kids had a blast! |
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| Last stop before we got home was to stay with more friends in STL. We didn't have a lot of time with them but enjoyed catching up and getting a good nights sleep. I was sick the ENTIRE vacation and between that and Ellie getting up at night, a solid nights sleep was amazing. |
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Pre-Sem Blues
Maybe not so much blues as simple anxiety. As it stands, we are planning to move out of our comfort zone to begin seminary in summer of 2018.
After 2.5 years of Lay Ministry coursework and finally graduating as a certified lay minister in Spring of this year, Eric still does not have a job. We moved into what was suppose to be short term-lease free housing for a few months before he received his first call. That was now almost 7 months ago. No leads, big or small. Just silence. And an increasing feeling that Eric is not yet done with school. Things in our denomination are a little unsettled and confusing as well. The lay deacons were doing more in their churches then were permitted to do (like preaching with out having gone to seminary) and somehow, lay ministers got lumped in with them. Although lay ministers have more theological training. They are still not permitted to preach or do communion. A great many churches are not even aware that lay ministry exists or that its a called position. Disheartening to say the least.
Seminary is going to be hard. Eric is our sole source of income for our family. We would be starting seminary with a 4 year old and a 1 year old. Student loans will cover on campus housing (known as The Woods). Because Eric already has the lay ministry under his belt, he should qualify for what is known as alternate route. Normally seminary is 2 years on campus, 1 year vicarage (playing pastor, supervised, for a year), and one more year on campus. Alt route would eliminate the final on campus year. He could also be able to do a transferable vicarage, meaning he would become a full pastor at the church where he was a vicar.
Lucky for us, two of our newest pastors at church are fresh from the seminary. One lived on campus, one lived off. Both had children going in and both had more children born during. I get caught up in the money. How are we going to live without an income? Our most recent sermon and small group series at church focused a lot on 1) finding out what it is God is calling you to do 2) stop making excuses why you won't do it 3) trusting that God is going to provide for you, going with you on the journey. Needless to say, it spoke to both Eric and I a lot!
Next week we travel down south to see some of Eric's family (who have not yet met Ellie) for Thanksgiving. We will travel through St. Louis and will have a tour of the campus including food pantry, resale shop, and student housing. We will also be talking with a financial advisor. We plan to have some dinner dates with the two pastors who are fresh from sem about their experiences and how the finances worked out for them. Though its going into a busy season for our pastors so the later may have to wait till after the holidays. I think I will have a little better of an idea how its all going to work once I see the housing, grocery options, etc. The plan would be to sell Eric's truck and use the money for sem expenses but also hopefully be more than halfway done with paying off the car by the start of sem. We would also both be looking for part time work. There will be a lot of compromises, that's for sure.
STL isn't that far from home either. 4 ish hours? We also have 2 sets of friends that recently moved to STL so that is also a bonus. Its just a lot to think about. Right now, my focus has to be getting this baby to term and him being healthy. We have a whole year between his birth and a move to STL and so much can happen during that time. Eric could still even receive a lay ministry call for all we know. Baring that possibility, this is our path. Another new journey as a family of 4. Where this one will take us after STL, Lord only knows.
After 2.5 years of Lay Ministry coursework and finally graduating as a certified lay minister in Spring of this year, Eric still does not have a job. We moved into what was suppose to be short term-lease free housing for a few months before he received his first call. That was now almost 7 months ago. No leads, big or small. Just silence. And an increasing feeling that Eric is not yet done with school. Things in our denomination are a little unsettled and confusing as well. The lay deacons were doing more in their churches then were permitted to do (like preaching with out having gone to seminary) and somehow, lay ministers got lumped in with them. Although lay ministers have more theological training. They are still not permitted to preach or do communion. A great many churches are not even aware that lay ministry exists or that its a called position. Disheartening to say the least.
Seminary is going to be hard. Eric is our sole source of income for our family. We would be starting seminary with a 4 year old and a 1 year old. Student loans will cover on campus housing (known as The Woods). Because Eric already has the lay ministry under his belt, he should qualify for what is known as alternate route. Normally seminary is 2 years on campus, 1 year vicarage (playing pastor, supervised, for a year), and one more year on campus. Alt route would eliminate the final on campus year. He could also be able to do a transferable vicarage, meaning he would become a full pastor at the church where he was a vicar.
Lucky for us, two of our newest pastors at church are fresh from the seminary. One lived on campus, one lived off. Both had children going in and both had more children born during. I get caught up in the money. How are we going to live without an income? Our most recent sermon and small group series at church focused a lot on 1) finding out what it is God is calling you to do 2) stop making excuses why you won't do it 3) trusting that God is going to provide for you, going with you on the journey. Needless to say, it spoke to both Eric and I a lot!
Next week we travel down south to see some of Eric's family (who have not yet met Ellie) for Thanksgiving. We will travel through St. Louis and will have a tour of the campus including food pantry, resale shop, and student housing. We will also be talking with a financial advisor. We plan to have some dinner dates with the two pastors who are fresh from sem about their experiences and how the finances worked out for them. Though its going into a busy season for our pastors so the later may have to wait till after the holidays. I think I will have a little better of an idea how its all going to work once I see the housing, grocery options, etc. The plan would be to sell Eric's truck and use the money for sem expenses but also hopefully be more than halfway done with paying off the car by the start of sem. We would also both be looking for part time work. There will be a lot of compromises, that's for sure.
STL isn't that far from home either. 4 ish hours? We also have 2 sets of friends that recently moved to STL so that is also a bonus. Its just a lot to think about. Right now, my focus has to be getting this baby to term and him being healthy. We have a whole year between his birth and a move to STL and so much can happen during that time. Eric could still even receive a lay ministry call for all we know. Baring that possibility, this is our path. Another new journey as a family of 4. Where this one will take us after STL, Lord only knows.
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Oh Boy, Oh Boy
Well, so I haven't posted in eons. Been a lot going on, not a lot that I've felt sharing. And now I need a distraction from a very stressful World Series game.
Shortly after I ran my first 10K (not a race) we did one last round of IVF, our Hail Mary. And it took. I found out a week later that I was pregnant. Anxiety then took up what seems like permanent residence in my brain. First trimester was rough. Bleeding is not uncommon in the first trimester and it usually doesn't mean anything. But, as we all know, it can also lead to miscarriage. With Ellie and Lexie I had sub-chorianic bleeds (old blood) that caused panic but not a trip to the ER. Both resolved and babies were fine. This pregnancy was different. It wasn't 'old blood'. And of course, it had to have happened on the weekend when my OBs office was closed. So after 2 days of light spotting and one day of heavier bleed, I freaked out and went to the ER. That was at 8 weeks. ER doc, not my favorite. They checked, baby still had heartbeat but that was about all. We were released pretty quick after that but I was definitely shaken. A follow up with the OBs a few days later showed all was well. Pelvic rest for a bit after that. The next weekend, same issue just not as bad. Called into nurses, didn't need to go into the office. Started taking 'rest' more seriously after that. Fast forward 7 weeks and all was pretty quiet. No extra trips to OBs, just counting the weeks to viability.
This last week I had spotting again but it was 'old blood' so I knew nothing to worry about. Called into the nurses got put briefly on rest again. Saw Maternal-Fetal Medicine doctor (MFM) at week 16 (just a few days ago) for baseline cervical length and talk to doctor for the first time this pregnancy. He's a new doctor to our hospital but has been an MFM for some 30 years, we liked him a lot. He took the time to read our history and all the hospital notes from Lexie and really did a good job of breaking through to my brain that still wants to blame myself for what happened. He called it a placenta eruption. They happen frequently, they don't know why, and there is nothing they can do about it. It also means that its not likely to happen again.
We also were able to learn the gender of our little miracle baby at that appointment. This whole pregnancy I've been thinking boy. Next to no morning sickness, no end-of-first trimester week long migraine, extreme fatigue, no leg cramps at night, no food aversions but more cravings, and (TMI) no sex drive (probably more due to anxiety/spotting issues). Every time we asked Ellie if it was a brother or sister, every time she said brother. And we were RIGHT! We are having our first boy! We are very excited and praying hard for a normal and uncomplicated pregnancy.
We are 8 weeks away from viability. We will hit 24 week just a few days before Christmas. Talk about the perfect Christmas gift! I cannot bring myself to buy anything for him until that time. I bought too much for Lexie too early and had to get rid of it all. Not happy times. We have hopefully a solid 3 months after Christmas to get everything we need for him. Ellie is moving to a big girl bed in a few weeks, a lot of items we will borrow from friends not currently in need of their things. We have lots of time yet. I see OB tomorrow and then both OB and MFM just after Thanksgiving for the anatomy scan and to check on the placenta. Which we hope will be in a better place since its low right now.
We are also considering a move again and some pretty significant future plans. But that will wait for the next blog. Probably tuesday night when the series will resume (given they keep the lead they currently have!). This one is long enough!
Shortly after I ran my first 10K (not a race) we did one last round of IVF, our Hail Mary. And it took. I found out a week later that I was pregnant. Anxiety then took up what seems like permanent residence in my brain. First trimester was rough. Bleeding is not uncommon in the first trimester and it usually doesn't mean anything. But, as we all know, it can also lead to miscarriage. With Ellie and Lexie I had sub-chorianic bleeds (old blood) that caused panic but not a trip to the ER. Both resolved and babies were fine. This pregnancy was different. It wasn't 'old blood'. And of course, it had to have happened on the weekend when my OBs office was closed. So after 2 days of light spotting and one day of heavier bleed, I freaked out and went to the ER. That was at 8 weeks. ER doc, not my favorite. They checked, baby still had heartbeat but that was about all. We were released pretty quick after that but I was definitely shaken. A follow up with the OBs a few days later showed all was well. Pelvic rest for a bit after that. The next weekend, same issue just not as bad. Called into nurses, didn't need to go into the office. Started taking 'rest' more seriously after that. Fast forward 7 weeks and all was pretty quiet. No extra trips to OBs, just counting the weeks to viability.
This last week I had spotting again but it was 'old blood' so I knew nothing to worry about. Called into the nurses got put briefly on rest again. Saw Maternal-Fetal Medicine doctor (MFM) at week 16 (just a few days ago) for baseline cervical length and talk to doctor for the first time this pregnancy. He's a new doctor to our hospital but has been an MFM for some 30 years, we liked him a lot. He took the time to read our history and all the hospital notes from Lexie and really did a good job of breaking through to my brain that still wants to blame myself for what happened. He called it a placenta eruption. They happen frequently, they don't know why, and there is nothing they can do about it. It also means that its not likely to happen again.
We also were able to learn the gender of our little miracle baby at that appointment. This whole pregnancy I've been thinking boy. Next to no morning sickness, no end-of-first trimester week long migraine, extreme fatigue, no leg cramps at night, no food aversions but more cravings, and (TMI) no sex drive (probably more due to anxiety/spotting issues). Every time we asked Ellie if it was a brother or sister, every time she said brother. And we were RIGHT! We are having our first boy! We are very excited and praying hard for a normal and uncomplicated pregnancy.
We are 8 weeks away from viability. We will hit 24 week just a few days before Christmas. Talk about the perfect Christmas gift! I cannot bring myself to buy anything for him until that time. I bought too much for Lexie too early and had to get rid of it all. Not happy times. We have hopefully a solid 3 months after Christmas to get everything we need for him. Ellie is moving to a big girl bed in a few weeks, a lot of items we will borrow from friends not currently in need of their things. We have lots of time yet. I see OB tomorrow and then both OB and MFM just after Thanksgiving for the anatomy scan and to check on the placenta. Which we hope will be in a better place since its low right now.
We are also considering a move again and some pretty significant future plans. But that will wait for the next blog. Probably tuesday night when the series will resume (given they keep the lead they currently have!). This one is long enough!
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