4th Trimester

Never really a good time to blog. At night when I'm so exhausted I'm ready for bed at 7? While both kids are napping? Not a chance. So at the moment, while exhausted, Tyler is sleeping in his car seat amazingly and Ellie is entertaining herself, albeit, very loudly. Well see how long this window lasts.

I am exhausted to the point that I want to cry every single day. Tyler is up every 2ish hours at night making a decent nights sleep impossible. I feel tired in my bones. Nursing is going ok, I hardly have supply, much less time, to pump a lot to get a freezer stash for babysitting/emergency purposes. I stress a lot about my milk supply, never feeling like there is really a surplus there, only just what he needs. I guess thats ok but I'd much rather have too much. Solution? Pump. When? Since he cluster feeds often or at best goes 1.5 hours during the day unless he has a rare awesome nap. He is 6 weeks old tomorrow and getting a round belly and a double chin. And cheeks I just love to kiss. I unofficially weighted him this week and came out with about 10 pounds 6 ounces. Birth was 9.5 so thats pretty good! I eat "lactation" cookies all day and it does seem to help the milk a bit, plus drinking as much water as I can. The cookies are not helping that 20 extra pounds I'm still carrying.

I have gotten a Y membership so I can start working out. When I'm going to have the energy is another thing entirely. But I need to start getting my blood moving, no just for the weight, but for my mental health. I haven't worked out in almost a year. Far too long. But with a high risk, anxiety filled pregnancy followed by c-section, I had very little choice. My brain is very foggy, I can't always make decisions, make thoughts connect with each other. So if this entry is kinda all over the place, well, welcome to the 4th trimester.

And yes, 4th trimester is def a thing. I guess its just post-partum but why not just call it the next trimester. When your pregnant you focus a lot on what happens on what trimester and look forward to it and then check it off the list when happens. I feel very stressed when I house is a wreck. I feel very stressed that I have bought 3 or 4 shirts that I can wear since none of my pre pregnancy clothes will fit. I'm still wearing maternity pants and some shirts. I feel stressed because when I go out with my kids I can't get anything to the car except the kids and the diaper bag because I have to park a bock away from my car and can't make two trips without leaving the kids unattended. Plus the flight of stairs and 20 pounds worth of baby and carrier. Getting shopping bags into the house solo is also impossible. I also can't leave Tyler for more than 30 mins without him screaming for me to come back. No one can console him, not ever Eric sometimes. I feel bad even taking a shower or running to target.

There are good moments amidst all of the hard stuff. Cute pictures and fun memories. Ellie is part helpful part driving me mad. She is independent in a lot of ways but still finds ways to get attention and is not very good at "wait 5 mins". She wants what she wants and she wants it right now. she is very sweet to Tyler, fetching his paci, singing to him, bringing him toys. She is also 3. And she is just being 3. There is not enough room in this house to separate the noisy 3yo from the sleeping baby. We just do the best we can.

And with that I think my window of opportunity is closing. I'll add a few pictures and sign off for now.

Hospital stay 3.0: Tyler's Birth Story

A few weeks ago we learned that our baby boy was measuring larger than expected for his gestational age. We also learned that his sac of water was also higher than it should be. Bigger babies, bigger water sacs I guess. Didn't mean there was anything wrong, but both factors pointed to an earlier than originally estimated due date. Last Tuesday I had a repeat of that growth ultrasound to check to see how large he was and to check the water level. They told me his estimated weight was already at 9.9 pounds and I was only at 36 weeks. But he was otherwise looking good, head down, really low down in the pelvis. Nothing to do but wait and wonder when it was all going to happen. And I was uncomfortable! But I knew I had limited days left before birth and did my best to get errands done and get rest as much as I could. I also at that point began to accept that there was little chance I'd get the VBAC birth that I wanted. I just wanted him our healthy and alive.

Last Wednesday I made a mistake in cooking dinner and basically ruined it. To tired to come up with another dinner we decided to let me rest and went out to Fridays. Ellie was less than manageable. Its been a long time since we have taken her out to a real restaurant like that. But hey, at least I didn't have to cook the meal or clean it up. Afterwards we stopped for a couple of things at Target and headed home. Ellie was wired from the evenings events and took longer than usual to get to bed. Finally got myself to bed shortly after the Cubs game started. Sleep has been a challenge for a while now, I was just so uncomfortable. 11PM rolled around and I felt my water break. Got me out of bed quick to say the least. I ran to the bathroom to make sure it was what I thought it was. I ran to the living room (a fast waddle anyway) to tell Eric it was time to go. Problem was what to do with Ellie. I called my mom a dozen times and for some reason, the phone that was right next to her, did not wake her up. So we loaded up our hospital bags and a very tired Ellie and got in the car. Woke my mom at her house, left Ellie and drove to the hospital. I continued to gush water every where. I didn't want to ruin my shoes so I  walked into the hospital barefoot and soaked from the waist down. It was SO gross. I had to ask for towels to sit on on the wheelchair or I would have left a trail down the hallway. I had no idea I had that much water to loose! Yikes! Minor contractions had begun in the car along with a lot of pressure.

I was taken straight to a L&D room and finally changed out of the gross clothes. And then we waited. Waited for my doctor to show up, waited for contractions to get stronger, waited to see what all was going to happen. They had me on a monitor to watch contractions and baby's heartbeat. I was contracting and it was getting more painful. But baby wasn't doing well. He wasn't doing awful but even after several position changes, his heart was sluggish at best. My doctor was really great. He is a huge supporter of VBAC and really wanted what was best for us. Seeing that he was already estimated at over 9 pounds and that they were worried about his heartbeat and we hadn't even scratched the surface of labor yet, he did encourage me to have the csection. And I agreed. I refuse to risk loosing another baby simply because I desired a certain kind of birth.

So my second csection was much less stressful than my first. We kinda were all talking and laughing through most of it. Once they could see him the commentary went like this "His long hair is ready for a pony tail!" "Is that an umbilical cord or a fire hose?" "Look at the size of that head!" "Kim, this boy was never going to come out, he's huge." (Nurse) "I'm having a hard time holding him he is so heavy, Kim look to your left." "Dad, come on over and introduce yourself." I did look to my left and oh my word, all I saw were rolls of fat!. 4:27am, 9 pounds 5 ounces, 20.5 inches long. Ellie was 9 even and 19 inches. Born at 36w6d he actually qualifies as a preemie. Biggest preemie I ever heard of. That said, he also falls under the category of wimpy white boy as you'll see why. 

Thank the Lord, he did not require any NICU time. He had some trouble regulating his blood sugar directly after birth but that resolved pretty quickly. He even latched pretty quickly while in recovery but never really started feeding. Early babies tend to have more trouble with breastfeeding. they grow tired and fall asleep before they are able to coax out the colostrum (early milk) and/or have trouble creating/keeping the latch. So even though we are home, we are still working on feeding. After 24 hours he was testing high for bilirubin which could lead to jaundice if not addressed. He simply wasn't getting enough from me to flush the stuff out of his system. So we started supplementing with formula and pumping and working with lactation for a latch. 

The first night we got no sleep at all. The second night was only quick naps here and there. The third night was pretty good with only a few wake ups (he was in nursery for a car seat test) and the forth night I was up with him more than Eric since I was actually able to get out of bed more and tend to him. Now we are home and he has been sleeping pretty much all day. He barely wakes up to eat. Which adds to the latching problems. So that pretty much sums it up. Here are some favorite pictures. 

Baby Gradberg watch 2017

Today I am 35 weeks. I am huge. I've gain about 45 pounds and everything hurts. Sciatica, ligaments, the whole belly really. 'Tis the end of the journey. Baby should be around 7 pounds, plus the extra water I mentioned last entry. This past Sunday I started experiencing my first ever Braxton Hicks contractions. For those of you unaware, BH  can happen throughout a pregnancy but are rarely felt until 3rd trimester. I never felt them with Ellie so this is a new experience for me. They started out so irregular and so short that I wasn't paying a lot of attention to them. And it was usually when I was doing too much, like grocery shopping.  BH don't mean labor has begun, they are kind of like practice contractions and its just something my body does. They don't affect the baby or cause any dilation. Being my first experience with this  I have been hyper alert to them. My doctors say if I have more than 6-8 in an hour I should get checked out to make sure its not actually labor. Esp this early.

Well, yesterday I was getting 5-6 an hour but pretty irregular and not at all painful. Just like a tight squeeze. All while I was basically being a couch potato and doing very, very little. They tapered off just before I went to bed, of course after I broke down and finally called the on call doctor, and slept really well thankfully. But as soon as I got up this morning they were stronger and coming every 15 mins. I thought for sure it had turned into real contractions. But nope, tapered off again. I had a non-stress test scheduled for this morning so Eric decided to stay home just in case we needed to go to the hospital. Only one 'contraction' during the 15 min test and they said it was just BH, nothing real. So I didn't get to see a doctor today.

I do think it means by body is getting ready to kick this baby out. Walking anywhere to do anything is quite painful so I am sitting a lot. Drinking a lot of water and basically waiting for labor or my water to break. We would all like to meet him but 36 weeks would be a little better for him to be born. Every week he stays in the better off he will be and hopefully  not have nicu time. We still run a high csection risk. If water breaks and he is breach, csection. If water breaks and no labor starts (like Ellie), csection. I just pray that I can have my baby and keep him with me and bring him home with me like I want, like we did with Ellie. Financially it would be more than difficult for us to pay both his and my high deductible insurance. But having him get help if he needs it is so much more important than money.

So now we wait. When will be the little man's birthday?

nesting and other news

Well, we got the news this week that I am indeed carrying a larger than normal 33 week old baby. Larger by almost 2 pounds over the norm. Also my water is in the high side. This explains why everyone thinks I'm due a lot sooner than I actually am. It explains why I ache so much and probably why the sciatica is so bad. And possibly also why I've already gained the average weight gain. I'll have another ultrasound to check on him in 4 weeks, if I'm still pregnant by then. And I do hope that I am! Big baby or not, he still needs to cook long enough for his lungs to fully develop and to learn the drink/swallow/breath technique. I want to avoid the NICU stay if I can at all help it. But most importantly, I want my baby born alive and healthy.

These new developments do raise my anxiety level again. The big baby + the high water = increased likelihood of water breaking earlier than 40 weeks. It also increases some other risks that I wish I had not researched. He will be born when God plans for him to be born. I have a great circle of family and friends ready and willing to help with Ellie when the day comes. I've been putting an action plan together for worst-case scenerios and hoping for the best. Hope for the best, plan for the worst right? The best would be that labor would start in a typical fashion without any scary bleeding or pain. That it would start in the evening or overnight or on a weekend when Eric is not in the city. Not knowing when its all going to start is the hardest part. At the ultrasound this week he was head down which is good but because of the high water, he can easily flip into and out of breech. We just hope he is head down when water breaks or labor starts.

If his is running 3-4 weeks ahead on weight (doctors best estimate of his weight anyway) I am preparing for a 36-37 week delivery. Which is only 3-4 weeks from now. Scary thought! Been doing a lot of nesting this morning. The 3yo is always trying to help but after everything I say, and I do mean everything is the incessant "why." And honestly by the end of the day I wish I could just ignore her. The questions lately have been non stop. Today she is napping and I am taking a much needed breather for cleaning, organizing, shopping, and her questions. Sleep has been hard to come by thanks to heartburn :( So my patience, energy, fatigue levels have all been effected by that. There is so much cleaning and organizing to do that I am feeling overwhelmed. I can't do it all by myself but there is only so much I can put on Eric's honey-do list. So my sciatica is bad right now and I'm kicking myself for doing as much as I did this morning. I hate feeling handicapped just because I'm pregnant. So please, please, little boy, stay in for another 4 weeks! Let us get everything done, let your big body develop all the things it needs to and don't start your labor with anything scary!

Ellie's 3!

Our little miracle turned 3 last Friday. We had two days of birthday celebration fun and took some fun pictures. She saw her doctor today for her well-child checkup and she is spot on for all her developmental milestones if not slightly ahead. She is 31 pounds (54 percentile) and 36 1/2 inches tall (37 percentile) both all good and average.

She continues to amaze with her use of verbal expressions, tones, and facial expressions in her language. She is a total copy cat and will repeat most anything she hears. She learned "stupid" from Charlie Brown of all things and she's been corrected not to use it. So when Eric and I say it (not in a mean context or at someone) we get corrected. "Why daddy say 'stupid'"? yeah need to watch ourselves more. She is also the never ending question generator. What you are doing? Where are we going? Why are you doing that? What is that? What did you say? And on and on endlessly. She is stubborn and we have our behavior problems but we are managing it ok so far. Hard to say what will happen with her behaviors when baby boy arrives. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there.

She is 99% potty trained with only an accident or two per week. Seems to happen when she is really tired or having a difficult time with #2. But overall she is doing really good going potty where ever she is and with whomever. She rarely asks for her reward stickers anymore but will still ask for a prize every now and then. Trying to use them more now for rewards for obedience like cleaning up her toys, good behavior, finishing her meals, etc.

Even on a good day, my house looks like a tornado went through her toys. Trying to brainstorm ways to keep it organized and off the floor since its is increasingly difficult for me to sit on the floor or pick things up off of it. 35 pounds on my midsection will do that and I still have 9 weeks to go. I really want to ditch the toy box in favor of a shelving unit with small tubs and get some basket type things for a large living room bookshelf as well.

She continues to love to paint and I am always looking for easy toddler crafts to do with her. She really loves helping me make cookies so this week or next we will do some sugar cookies for valentines day. She does always want to "help" which is not easy to let her do. I try to find little things she can do without potentially hurting herself. At least when it comes to cooking. Helping with sweeping and cleaning she can 'help' all she wants, so long as its not actually contributing to the mess. Which does happen.

She loves chasing her friends around in circles, taking selfies, typing on the computer and spelling out her name and whatever words she asks us to spell for her. She is hit or miss these days with reading books but has a few classics she always brings out. She likes TV a little too much but is starting to pay attention to longer movies better. Want to take her to a theater soon but waiting for the right movie to come out. I wish I could say she eats everything I put in front of her but that would be a bold faced lie. She eats well enough to continue to grow but is very picky and meal times can be the most frustrating. Hope she grows out of it soon.

So here are some pictures from her birthday celebrations

Birthday breakfast at IHOP. Note to self: IHOP has become ridiculously overpriced. Never again. She enjoyed herself though

Birthday gift #1 from mom and dad

Painting smock!

Found an amazingly yummy gluten free cake at Jewel that we all enjoyed

At the end of the day, she is still my baby girl. Love her cuddles.

Family birthday party which we themed "silly hat party"

Gradberg grandpartents

Leardi Aunt, Unlce, cousins

Aunt Krissy, Uncle Vince, cousin Jae, and Grandma Leardi

There is more than one way to eat a piece of cake apprently

Just before blowing out the candles

little updates

Tomorrow marks 29 weeks with this little boy. Sometimes I feel like this pregnancy is going by at a snails pace. Other times I'm like, holy crap, I'm having a baby in 2 1/2 months! Only major complaint is fatigue. Totally normal and expected. Except when I was this far along with Ellie, I had already quit my job and it was the winter of the polar vortexes. I could sleep and eat and sleep whenever I darn well chose to. Now, I'm on a potty training toddlers schedule. She will be three very very soon and is 95 % potty trained. Her normal wake up time is between 6 and 6:30 and she rarely takes a nap anymore. She goes to bed around 7 those days. We have an "ok to wake" clock but so far its not been super effective. Probably need a sticker system or other reward for staying in the room till 7. She needs a chore chart too as we start to instill some basic principles into her routine. Some things, like setting the table and emptying the dishwasher, she loves to do. Things like cleaning up her toys or staying in her room, not-so-much.

 A lot of things are getting harder to do with my growing belly, again not an issue with Ellie. I was big but no toddler. Picking up the screaming toddler for time out is not the easiest thing as she flails and arches. Cuddling her on my lap takes some careful arranging. Picking up toys, searching under furniture, bath time, extracting myself from her bed (if I had to lay down with her to get her to sleep) without waking her up. All things that are very challenging. We manage though. Sometimes I just tell her she needs to wait till daddy comes home. I still have bad sciatic pain that if I'm not really careful will turn excruciating.

She may not be three for another week or so but she is definitely showing signs of being a three-nager. Esp when she needs to sleep but has refused. She communicates well until she decides to be a three-nager and grunt and scream at me instead. She is 90% delightful and is excited for the baby but oh my word, that 10% would drive me to drink (if I could drink!). We are planning a very small family party for her 3rd birthday. We don't have the finances to pull off something big right now. With the baby coming and possibly two health care deductibles to meet, just not gonna happen.

We have his names(s) picked out and are happy with them. I start my 2 week visits to the doctor next month and see MFM doctors for a growth ultrasound in 4 weeks. Next mile stone to reach is 32 weeks as his brain will pretty much be developed. After that is his lungs maturing and weight gain as I understand it. I'm eating A LOT more than I remember eating with Ellie, I've already gained 30 pounds and I still have 11 weeks to go. Kind of daunting. Heartburn is worse too. I'm still limiting exercise as I end up with pains to worry me. In April for sure I'll be doing some spring walking to encourage him to drop and for labor to start.

After talking through labor options with one of my doctors I'm still not super happy. My best bet is for labor to begin naturally and need no helps. So I am praying for that. If there is a need for Pitocin my risk factors for scar abruption (from my csection) come into play. It really depends on how everything ends up going and how well I progress.

Soon my baby will be 3. She will have her own update after her birthday. So so proud of my little girl and who she is becoming!

The post 24 weeks in the making

I've had 24 weeks to think about what I wanted to say in this blog post. To somehow capture all of my hopes, dreams, anxieties, and paranoia into these words. I've kept the news of our rainbow pregnancy off of Facebook. I just wasn't ready for the news to be shared to the ends of the earth (literally, hi friends!). Most people understand that. Simply put, losing Alexandra at 23.1 weeks has changed the way I think about pregnancy. Mine or anyone elses. With all the marvels of medical science, they were still not able to stop my labor or save my baby.

Every milestone we've reached thus far, the joy was always tempered by the thought "we aren't safe yet, only x amount of weeks to go. Then I can breathe." Some women count down to their due dates. I've been counting down to Viability. I say the V word to some people and I get a blank look. For women with totally normal, uncomplicated pregnancies, viability is not a word that ever gets tossed around. Its not a part of their world. I never heard the word during Ellie's pregnancy. I heard it with Lexie when a pregnanct friend mentioned she had passed viability and then not again until 22 weeks, when I went into extremely preterm labor.  2 weeks ago, I passed the gestational age that I started bleeding with Lexie. Last Saturday I passed the gestational age at which she was born. Today I celebrate a different kind of V-day. Viability Day. If something were to go wrong, and we pray daily that it doesn't, our boy could be delivered and the doctors would move heaven and earth to save him.

Viability does not mean my anxiety disappears. Nor my paranoia. What it does mean, is that I will take a little bit deeper of a breath. Every day past viability is a blessing. He will be bigger and stronger and will spend less and less time in the NICU. There is nothing to say that I won't carry to term. If I make 37 or more weeks, Praise the Lord! Ellie was born at 39 weeks and weighed 9#.

Local friends obviously know that I am pregnant. I'm quite big and not trying to hide it. I have gained 20 pounds already! I am looking forward to having conversations about this pregnancy that don't include the count down to viability. And the explanations that have to go with that statement. We have so many amazing family and friends who lift our family up in prayer, praying for a healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy. I don't know where I would be without their constant encouragement to help battle my anxiety.

More distant FB friends may or may not have observed I haven't posted any pictures of myself recently (head shots or carefully hidden waist up pictures only). Even our professional pictures we intentionally hid my stomach behind Ellie for the most part. Paranoia. I also have not posted anything about running since I completed my 10K in July. My embryo transfer was done less then 2 weeks later. I haven't done a lick of exercise, beside short walks, since July. Paranoia. I may slowly try to start more regular walks since we are past V-day. Will depend on how my body handles it. Maybe some yoga if I can get motivated to do it.

I've already been experiencing  pretty bad sciatic nerve pain. Some days I can hardly walk. I may have some physical therapy done to help that if it gets worse. I am seeing both a new OB and the Maternal-Fetal Medicine doctors (MFM). They are watching closely for any sign of complication. There was one earlier on but it resolved itself.  V-Day is simply the best Christmas present we could ask for, But it also has stolen some of the joy of the season for me. The snow and ice and sub zero temps have had me tied to the house a lot. I can only shop so long before my back starts killing me. Just doing crafts with Ellie has been a challenge if I'm bending over too much.

Amazingly, I know 5 other women who are pregnant with me and are due between January and June. It has been fun, yet filled with fear and anxiety, to go through our pregnancies together. So many babies! I will start collecting (borrowing for the most part) baby items for our little boy now. In my grief I sold or gave away all of our baby equipment. Borrowing is better so I can just give stuff back when he has outgrown it. I have steadfastly refused to buy anything for him until now because of things I bought and then had to sell for Lexie. The whole 'don't put the cart before the horse' thing I guess. I've really been trying to just take one day at a time and not make assumptions about this pregnancy. Unfortunately that is part of my PTSD. The majority of pregnant women I know don't think this way about their pregnancies. I try to be optimistic I do, but realistic as well. I know too dang much about all the things that can go wrong. I hope and pray this does not rub my friends the wrong way or cause them to be less than optimistic about their pregnancies. This is my burden to bear, no one elses.

Ellie has been doing very well with the progressing pregnancy. It helps a lot that one of her best little buddies recently had his baby sister born. The whole time my friend was pregnant (and big) we talked to Ellie about how that was her friends little sister inside that tummy, just like her little brother was inside mine. She also knew before we did that we were having a boy. Every time we asked her if it was a baby brother or sister, she said "brother". On occasion should would say puppy though, haha. It absolutely melts my heart when she gives him a hug or kiss, sings to him, or talks to him. She freaked out scared a little bit the first time she felt him kick but has gotten a little better. I told her that her brother would be coming out around Easter time. That sent her into a whole conversation with him about Easter baskets and picking up Easter eggs at church. She has also told him he would play candy land with her and ball. She asks me often if he is kicking me. This seems to concern her.

We talk about Lexie but not to the point where it would be psychologically difficult for her. We have Lexie Bear (stuffed animal), Lexie's ornaments, The A for Alexandra on my mothers necklace too. We have told her (I think) that Lexie was her sister. But we don't tell her that she was born too early or that she died. Because, to me, a two year old has no ability to understand something like that. I don't want her to be confused or be scared for her little brother. I'm scared enough for the both of us. When she is older we will talk about her more, when she can understand (and I'm not pregnant anymore obviously).

I haven't talked to the doctors too much about a birth plan for him since I feel so much of labor is actually outside of my control at this point. All I really care about this time is getting him out and alive and healthy. So many things can come up that mess with my plan anyway, just like it did with Ellie. Early labor, big baby, bleeding, not progressing, water breaking without labor starting, ect, ect. We invested a lot of time and money preparing for a natural birth with Ellie but it never happened. Its just not that important to me this time. I did briefly touch on the subject with the last doctor I saw and she said that if all goes well and there are no complications and I go into labor naturally I can do whatever I want. They will not force another csection but neither will they induce me. The earliest they will schedule the csection is 39 weeks. Which is about 10 days before Easter.

I see both my OB and my MFM next week, MFM will do an echo cardio graph thingy on the baby's heart. Standard for an IVF pregnancy. Then I'll see MFM at the beginning of the 3rd tri for a growth ultrasound.

Feel free to read back a few entries of this blog to see some of my thoughts pre-viability. I'll post a bit more on FB now too. This was a long and rambling entry but it was important to me to raise awareness about pregnancy after a loss like ours and what it does to a woman (or a couple ) psychologically. How it changes you. I hope it helps you to understand me a little better, to pray for me (us) better, to be a little more sensitive to those with infertility and/or infant loss. I call him my rainbow baby because he is our hope after a disaster. No he isn't a promise that everything is going to be ok from here on out. From the ashes rises something beautiful.

 Isaiah 61:3 "To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory." (Calm down folks if your up in arms about context. It fits)

20 week ultrasound

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24 week bump 

excited big sister!